Day 1 - Fear of Loss

Day 1 - Fear of Loss

Bumi Ran into the Barbecue

A few days ago Bumi me and Maite’s dog ran into the weber by accident, and I saw her run into and heard her squeal. I got angry because she can hurt her hips and get hip dysplasia which can be extremely dangerous as it is difficult to correct or more likely lead to us having to put her down which I really don’t want to have to do. Bumi has hurt her hip before by running in the house and slipping on the floor which caused her to limp for almost two weeks, when she was younger which scared me a lot.

Well I got angry when she ran into the weber because I was scared of her hurting herself badly and making me have to put her down and I don’t want to lose her. I was also angry because I told her to be more careful and she didn’t listen to me. I had a dog when I was younger that I had to put down because she was old but, in reality she lived longer then she should’ve because I pushed her out of fear of losing her. The year before Blackie died I found a bump on her chest and we took her to the vet and found out that it was a tumor and that we might have to put her down, but they ran tests and were able to surgically remove the tumor. I was so scared of losing her that I was crying a lot and was trying to help her as much as I could by trying to heal the tumor. I was also begging her not to die because I didn’t know if I would be able to survive losing her. The week she died I couldn’t find her and went looking for her around our house and found her close to the bottom of the garden where she was lying down and I tried to call her to get her to walk with me back to the house but she treid and couldn’t get up so I had to pick her up and carry her back up to the house. I also saw that her shit was black and when I spoke to Bernard he said that it was enough, that I had put her through enough pain and that it was time to put her down. We decided to take her to the vet the next day since it was late and when Cerise asked me if I wanted to come with I said no. I said no. I told them not to wake me up but just to take her and go. I set up a bed for her next to me so that she could sleep with me one last time. I couldn’t get to sleep for a long time. When I woke up she was gone and her collar was lying on my desk. I was so angry with myself for not going and I was angry with her for leaving me. I couldn’t bear to throw the collar away so I kept it and I wore it for almost a month at all times. I would shower with it and sleep with it and I would cry every night. I can’t do that again. I loved her but I neglected her when all she did was help me t the point where I killed her because I wasn’t changing Because I failed she killed herself to try and make me move to allow me to move on. My selfishness killed her, my guilt killed her I killed her. She was everything to me and I killed her and I wasn’t even strong enough to go to the vet with her I was too much of a coward I was too weak. I will not allow myself to do that ever again I will not forget what she did for me I will not forget her and I will never Forgive myself for allowing myself to do that to a being that loved and supported me unconditionally. I went through putting Blackie down which was and is and always will be the most difficult thing that I have ever done and I don’t want to have to go through it again with Bumi because I’m scared that I will not be strong enough to help her through it and that I will not be strong enough to live through the pain of losing her.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I cannot am unable to and are not allowed to forgive myself for pushing Blackie to the point where she had to die to make me move.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to forgive myself for pushing Blackie to die

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to force myself into an endless cycle of pain, misery and guilt to ‘make up’ for pushing Blackie to suffer for years for me

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to let go of and move past the guilt of pushing Blackie to suffer and die for me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that Blackie would not be able to forgive me so that I could continue the cycle

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I have to punish myself for all eternity to redeem myself for pushing Blackie to suffer and die for me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I forced Blackie to take on my points and suffer for me instead of realizing that she chose to assist and support for as long as I required it even to the point of killing herself so that I could move forward

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to postpone forgiving myself out of fear of losing her and out of fear of losing everything that I believe makes me who I am

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I can never move forward from this point because it would destroy everything Blackie did for me instead of realizing that moving past this point was the reason she chose to remove herself

 I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to let go of being angry at myself and in turn all of existence

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that if I spread my angry out onto everything else that it would make my anger towards myself diminish

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that I have to forgive myself for what I believe I did so as to move on

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use my guilt as a shield or mask so as not to allow myself to face who I am

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to face myself in relation to all that I have done in Blackie’s name and realize that what I am doing is actually coming from a point of guilt instead of what is best for all

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that hiding in my private little safe is what is best for all instead of realizing that it is only a way to hide myself from existence safe and secure instead of devoting myself fully to what is best for all

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am not allowed to face this point as it would destroy everything that I am

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to allow my mind and systems to try to stop me from facing this point

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that writing out sf wouldn’t change anything about me and my life

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see myself as weak and cowardly

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself according to what I did and who I was

I realize that I did not kill Blackie, she chose to die to assist and support me in moving forward

I realize that taking out my anger on everything and everyone around me is pointless and only hurts existence and myself

I realize that I have to allow myself to forgive myself so as to move past this point as it still holding me back because I am too scared to move past it

I realize that being scared of facing myself is my minds way of stopping me from assisting and supporting myself and all of existence

I realize that being afraid of losing Bumi or anything will create a situation where I must face the point or lose the thing that I am afraid of losing to push me to walk through the fear

I realize that allowing my mind to dictate that I need to go into a specific reactive state such as fear is complete and utter bullshit and only limits who I am and what I am capable of achieving in terms of what is best for all

I realize that when I allow myself to get emotional whenever I remember Blackie, that all I am doing is trapping myself in an endless loop of guilt and anger towards myself, which is totally unacceptable

I realize that I should not look at the memory of Blackie in regret, as that invalidates everything she did for me

I realize that allowing myself to see Blackie dying as my fault, all I am doing is creating a “safe place to hide” in an endless loop of guilt and anger, never allowing myself to move forward

I realize that I must allow myself to let go of Blackie and the idea that her death was my fault

When and as I see myself going into the pattern of “I killed Blackie and deserve to be punished and I must therefore take out my anger and self-pity on those around me to make me feel better” I instead stop breathe and realize that I am going into a loop of guilt and anger, I then stop myself from allowing myself to go into the loop that I have been trapped in and I move on

When and as I see myself going into a reactive state when I see Bumi or other dogs hurt themselves, instead of going into anger and fear, I stop and breathe and I realize that I am going into fear, I let go of the fear and instead go check on the dog and help in any way to prevent that situation from happening again, for instance move the weber out of reach of the dogs “play-zone”

When and as I see myself go into fear of facing myself and hiding from myself I realize that it is just a fear that I have created to stop myself from leaving my “safety net” – instead I stop, breathe and push myself to let go of the fear and move through the desire to hide in my “safety net” I then face myself in whatever point I am dealing with in the moment