Monday, 3 November 2014

Day 46 - Call of Duty

A point I noticed within anger is that it comes up as a small point and when I get angry I feel it as a wheel that spins. The angrier I get the faster and harder the wheel spins. Within the wheel I see past experiences of anger. I can place myself within the experience of anger even now with no reason and what I see within this is that the anger is always here just waiting to build up and explode. With working outside I use anger to push myself to do more and it causes me to do less. I see the point when I do stables especially, as doing stables seems like a waste of my time, but I do it as it is my Duty. I use the word Duty as if I am forced to do it against my will and then use it to manipulate people. When I use anger to do stables I start feeling annoyed with my body and take more time to do them, using the justification that I am sore, tired or have to do something else first. I actually enjoy working outside, but have now turned it into a chore or a Duty, instead of accepting responsibility of the work and allowing myself to thrive in it with all of the plans I have to make improvements. I make plans, but do not follow through like I used to, as I have poisoned the point with anger.

I commit myself to working on my anger and moving through it, as it is holding me back

I commit myself to not use anger as a hiding place

I commit myself to not rely on others to push and motivate me to accept and follow through on my responsibilities

I commit myself to motivate and push myself

I commit myself allow myself to accept the joy and satisfaction that writing has brought me and I commit myself to writing something every day no matter how small