Thursday, 29 August 2013

Day 41 - The Children of our Future

My agreement partner and I have been looking at having a child soon and I have come to realise a few points in terms of taking on the responsibility of a child. From my perspective the responsibility of a child is in principle the same as the responsibility of taking care of animals. What I mean is that the core principles remain and what I see as the core principles is that we have to be willing to dedicate our time to train the child how to live in a world full of abuse but, never let go of his principles and that we have to be able to accept the financial responsibility that comes with their upbringing.

I see a lot of people go into fear about having children. For me the fear is that I will pass on “bad” physical genes and that the points that the child has to overcome from my DNA will be more than necessary. I realise that the child will have points both physical and personal that are passed on through our DNA that the child must work through no matter how much I want them to be ‘invulnerable’.

The main point - from my perspective – that is different to the responsibility of raising an animal or raising a child, is that the animal does not have my DNA within themselves and that the child does. Within this, the perception is easily created that it is like fixing someone else’s fuckup instead of my own. From my mind’s perspective, it enables me to place the responsibility for a lot of the animal’s base character designs within something other than myself, whereas with a child the responsibility for his base character design comes undeniably from me and my partner.

I am not saying that the act of raising a child and an animal is the same; I am only trying to say the principles of how to raise them are. I will teach them how to live within common sense and show them how to consider what is best for all in every decision they make. I show my animals this point as much as possible, but there is a communication ‘barrier’ that makes it more difficult. I am confident in the fact that I will be able to bring the message of “do unto another as you would like to be done unto” either as clearly or more clearly to my children.

I ask my animals to treat me with the same respect I show to them and that is all I would ask of my child, taking into account the unfortunate difficulties of this world that the child would have to be shown – how to work with and how to survive in a world of greed. I will have to teach them about the world even though I did not enjoy it when I was young. I will ensure that the child is able to stand no matter how hard the shit hits the fan – which would mean that it will not be easy but it will be necessary for them to learn about the how and the why the world works the way it does now.

I would’ve preferred to bring my child into a world that I can be proud of and that the child would be safe but, children that are taught that they must stand together to change the world are necessary to assist in the change that will come. (Note: I am not saying that everyone should have kids now, I am rather placing my current process into understanding and due to the fact that I have had an upbringing mainly based on support within the principle of what is best for all – as my father was standing this example throughout my life – I am clear on the fact that at this stage in my process and my life, I can support a child effectively. The decision to have a child will be made by each one according to their own process and of course the ability to support a child financially.)

I ask now for the forgiveness of my child or children for the amount of responsibility I am laying on their shoulders.

I ask that they realise that there is no other way to ensure that the world will change sooner rather than them having to pass it on to their children.

I realise that my children will have the best life that I can provide for them, but they will not be able to live free until all can stand together, equal as one, for what is best for all.

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Friday, 23 August 2013

Day 40 - The Weight of my Day

Recently we have been quite busy on the farm with Bernard passing so suddenly and we had contractors that just finished the new parrot aviary and porch and the fact that Leila’s kid is going to come soon , we have had to deal with all of these things happening and also carry on preparing all the points for the baby. I feel like it is a weight that isn’t getting much lighter. The workload seems to get bigger and bigger, it looks like we might not get to do everything as soon as we had planned. I don’t like having to shove things together and try to do or manage 10 things at once; I prefer having to focus on one point at a time. 

I realize that this is actually quite a cool test to see how I and we do under excessive amounts of pressure, and I for one have been pushing hard to get as much done in the short amount of time we have available to us to the point of my body getting the flu just to make me realize that I have to slow down. From the day after Bernard died I was off of the farm 5 out of 7 days, either sorting things out or doing shopping for the contractor or food shopping and the one day I actually had to go into town, come back and go back into town again! 

The one night I just started feeling sickish and the next day woke up sick – I was only sick for about 3 days really – and when I felt how badly my body felt I realized that I had pushed myself too hard and not considered that I had gone through a massive shock – physically and otherwise. I accepted in that moment that I would push myself as much as I could but, that it is impractical to be uselessly sick for days because of pushing too hard. Unfortunately this means that I am not superman:). I can only do so much before my body gives out and requires rest. My point with sharing this is that keeping myself busy so as not too focus too much on the point of Bernard is useful to be able to focus on what needs to be done day by day but, that this can only work if I allow myself some time to adjust and align myself with what must be done next. I mainly focused on keeping myself stable and assisting other people as much as possible or working on the farm so as to focus on avoiding to look at what Bernard’s death meant for me and how I needed to move forward after he had died. 

I have seen today that I still have the tendency of trying to rush through points without considering all of the factors involved and that I am trying to make myself move faster though the workload without considering that it is more practical to look at points in their entirety instead of skipping through the basics as if I know better. 

I realize that all of these points culminate in the point of me not focusing on my breathing but rather allowing myself to be consumed by the desire to prove myself as worthy by pushing myself beyond common sense practicality and into simple, distracting ego.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use ego as a distraction and as a way to not focus on breath

I commit myself to when and as I see myself going into ego or trying to distract myself with workloads and time limits – I stop, breathe and look at the problem facing me with practical common sense

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be overwhelm by the amount of work there is to be done and therefore utilising this as an excuse to get out of the work thinking it will just go away

I commit myself to when and as I go into fear and anxiety about how high my workload is – I stop, breathe and focus on one point at a time to ensure that I am considering all outcomes instead of getting bitten in the ass in the future because I forgot to check the quality of the work and not rely on the quantity to tip the scales.

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Thursday, 22 August 2013

Day 39 - Stepping out of Bernard’s Shadow

I don’t know what to say
How do I say the unsayable?
How do I explain the inexplicable?
How do I see what I don’t want to look at?
Bernard is dead
I don’t know what to do
I don’t know how to feel
All I feel is fear and anger
I am me
I will no longer allow myself to define myself according to what Bernard did
I will no longer allow myself to use him as a shield
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as no more or less than Bernard’s Son
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hide behind Bernard and use him as a shield to block myself from my process
I miss him
I see that he is within everything
I see that I am afraid that he left too soon
I see that I am afraid that I am not strong enough to stand
I see that he trusted us all to push ourselves to change, but that he saw that not all would be able to allow themselves to choose
I see that – in truth – there is no real choice as we are all responsible for what we have created and as such, the responsibility to change is what all of us must allow ourselves to realise
He was not my father
He was not my friend
All he was, was what each of us must see in ourselves
He stood for all
He sacrificed whatever was necessary to allow everyone to make a choice between life and slavery
I cannot say that any of us would be able to do the same
He feared nothing
He was always stable
He taught us all, anything we were able to understand
I cannot say that I always listened
I cannot say that I always understood
I cannot say that I always honoured his principles
I can say that I am in the process of changing myself to truly be able to follow his principles to the utmost of my ability
I can say that I am in the process of working through my fears
I can say many things
I can say anything
What I have lived and what I do live is who and what I really am
What I live is selfishness
What I live is ego
What I live is anger
I see that I am angry at him for not fixing all of my problems
I see that I am angry that I did not allow myself to work harder on changing myself with his assistance while he was still alive
I forgive Bernard for leaving
I forgive Bernard for choosing to leave
I forgive Bernard for not preparing us more
I forgive Bernard for asking us to continue without him
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be angry at Bernard for leaving
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be angry at Bernard for leaving me and cerise
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be angry at Bernard for not preparing us more
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be angry at Bernard for asking us to continue without him guiding us
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see myself as too weak to stand
The decision I have made is to change
The decision I have made entails the responsibility of pushing myself beyond my current cycle of comfortability
I realise that this means that I have to push myself to be consistent within basic principles of self-motivation, self-discipline and self-dedication to the process of change
I dedicate myself to the simple act of writing a blog everyday
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to make mistakes
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use the self-created idea that anything I do has to be perfect as “I am the Son of Bernard”
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be angry at myself for making mistakes as the mistakes reveal my imperfection
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear revealing my imperfections as the imperfections reveal my vulnerabilities
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being vulnerable
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use paranoia and fear of how people will react to my blogs as an excuse and justification to not write
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use specific words to redesign my self-forgiveness statement so as not to actually assist myself, but to keep myself in a never ending cycle of self-abuse

I commit myself to when and as I see that I am trying to abuse my self-forgiveness through how I place my words, I stop and correct the design of the sf statement so that I can allow myself to forgive myself for real
I commit myself to consistently blog, where I do not accept and allow myself to use excuses and justifications to not blog
I commit myself to learn from my mistakes and not use them as an excuse or justification to go into isolation, hiding and fear
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Sunday, 7 July 2013

Day 38 - I can vote?????

This article explains how the two main political parties in South Africa are effectively bickering like an old married couple.

What I saw in this article is how the two apparent ruling parties are wasting time and money to win favour from the people and to gather more power for their respective parties instead of working together to do what they were created for.

What I mean is that: Are not all political parties basely designed as “working for what is best for the people of their country”? By that logic would not all political parties be working for the same thing? Would it not be better for the current ruling parties to use their resources for the betterment of the people of this country?

If you look at the point you would realise that the point of opposition parties are unnecessary for any true democracy as the people are the ones that should be in control of the country, not the political parties – as the people that live in the country are the ones that should decide what is best for them, as - is it not their choice to make?

You would not want another to decide how your life is supposed to be would you? The answer is no. Everyone should have the right to vote on every single policy decision – no matter how small – to ensure that the policies that are chosen and implemented are based on how the policy can improve life for all instead of, what is best for the government and their bank accounts.

If you agree with this, join us for discussion here:

Sunday, 9 June 2013

Day 37 - The Big Problem of "Little Things"

I was in town the other day buying equipment for the farm and picking up food for the animals and what happened was that I got distracted in terms of what I needed to do and I had not written everything down so, I forgot to collect some of the food that was bought earlier in the day. I had to go back the next day to collect it as some of the shops don’t like it when the stuff isn’t picked up soon after it is bought. It meant that I had to waste time and spend half of another day in town when I could’ve been working on the farm, especially since there isn’t many people capable of doing the physical work that I do.(There isn’t many guys - lol)

The point that I realised from this – and other instances – is that if you are not stable and focused, you easily get distracted from what you need to do. I also was in a rush as I don’t enjoy being in town and I had been there almost the whole day already.

I also realized that I need to be more diligent in writing points that need to be done as work is easily forgotten and you cannot rely on memory to keep track of all the work. There is many little things that get forgotten as they are not very important and other big problems that need fixing get in the way so, the little things start to pile up higher and higher until they are also big problems.

The point that I see is that whenever I can pay attention to the little things instead of leaving it for the next day – which often turns into the next month – I will place whatever spare time that I have available to taking on the small points so as to Prevent them from turning into Big problems.

The same thing can be said in terms of my personal process – meaning that when I see I am allowing a “small” point to influence me, I stop and correct it before it compiles into a possession/obsession or causes me to create conflict as an outflow onto the beings around me.

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