Day 15 - The Game of Recognition

I have been looking at one of the main reasons I enjoy playing games, which is the ego boost I get when I win. What I mean by games is pretty much anything that you do in a day. I mean, you can whatever you are doing into a competition. For example : If you are working, you make it a competition to work faster, harder and better than the other person or if you are talking to lots of people you can make it a competition to speak louder, more often and have the most response from the people you are talking to. I realise when looking at this point that I am coming from a point of fear and desire - Desire for recognition and fear of not getting it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire recognition
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear not getting the recognition I believe I deserve
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I deserve recognition
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am better than people who cannot do what I do as well as I can – no matter what it is
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being inferior to other people especially when I see that they can do anything even slightly better than I can – no matter what it is
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to expect and believe that I am better than anyone with anything given the chance to learn
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that If I learned the same skill that I see In another, that I would be able to do it better than and learn it faster than the other person
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel envious about any skill that another has that I don’t
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel guilty that I don’t already possess that skill or never allowed myself to finish learning it
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that I am not useful enough or valuable enough for what we are doing
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see myself as unworthy of life
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see myself as unworthy of process
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see and experience as unworthy in all forms
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear not being able to make myself worthy
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see it as necessary to find some way so as to prove my worth to those around me and especially to myself
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear not living up to the expectations that I perceive are part of who I should be
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see myself as a failure
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being seen in the same way as I see myself, as that would mean that I would have to see myself in their eyes
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear looking at myself, as I believe that that would mean I would have to look at and see who I should and how I should’ve lived my live
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel guilty for living my life in such an irresponsible and selfish way
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel ashamed of my life and how much more difficult I have made my own life out of ignorant and selfish choices
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself according to my past instead of who I choose to be
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to forgive and let go of my past
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear letting go of my past because I believe that if I do I will make the same mistakes of the past
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realise that through holding onto my past I am actually keeping the same cycle of mistakes running
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to regret my life choices
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that need i recognition so as to motivate me into doing anything
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to justify not finishing what I started if I do not get the recognition I believe I deserve
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to spite others out of anger at myself for needing them to motivate myself
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I cannot motivate myself into doing anything

Day 11 - Telling Stories

I have recently been made aware of a point that I never considered as a point, but I have realised that it stands as a point of contention between me and those around me as it is socially “undesirable” – so to speak, lol. The point is that I seem to repeat stories that I have told many times, but the interesting point is that I am completely unaware of the fact that I am repeating stories. If I look at the point, I realise that the point is based on a desire for attention and that is the point that I will be writing forgiveness on.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be consumed by the desire for attention out of fear of being forgotten
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realise that the point of me retelling stories that I have already told is a desire for attention
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that without the attention of others I would not fulfil my desire of being important
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I need to be important
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being forgotten
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being ignored
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to be noticed and recognised
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being defined as socially unacceptable
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being seen as awkward and weird
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am socially unacceptable

When and as I see myself starting to tell a story I stop and I commit myself to ask if I have told the story before and not telling it again if the people say yes

When and as I see myself going into the desire for attention I stop, breathe and I realise that the desire is based on fear. I commit myself to bring myself back into my body and stabilise myself without allowing myself to be consumed by fear