Day 62 - Learn from your mistakes

I am sharing my perspective on admitting and learning from my mistakes. Enjoy!

Day 39 - Stepping out of Bernard’s Shadow

I don’t know what to say

How do I say the unsayable?

How do I explain the inexplicable?

How do I see what I don’t want to look at?

Bernard is dead

I don’t know what to do

I don’t know how to feel

All I feel is fear and anger

I am me

I will no longer allow myself to define myself according to what Bernard did

I will no longer allow myself to use him as a shield

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as no more or less than Bernard’s Son

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hide behind Bernard and use him as a shield to block myself from my process

I miss him

I see that he is within everything

I see that I am afraid that he left too soon

I see that I am afraid that I am not strong enough to stand

I see that he trusted us all to push ourselves to change, but that he saw that not all would be able to allow themselves to choose

I see that – in truth – there is no real choice as we are all responsible for what we have created and as such, the responsibility to change is what all of us must allow ourselves to realise

He was not my father

He was not my friend

All he was, was what each of us must see in ourselves

He stood for all

He sacrificed whatever was necessary to allow everyone to make a choice between life and slavery

I cannot say that any of us would be able to do the same

He feared nothing

He was always stable

He taught us all, anything we were able to understand

I cannot say that I always listened

I cannot say that I always understood

I cannot say that I always honoured his principles

I can say that I am in the process of changing myself to truly be able to follow his principles to the utmost of my ability

I can say that I am in the process of working through my fears

I can say many things

I can say anything

What I have lived and what I do live is who and what I really am

What I live is selfishness

What I live is ego

What I live is anger

I see that I am angry at him for not fixing all of my problems

I see that I am angry that I did not allow myself to work harder on changing myself with his assistance while he was still alive

I forgive Bernard for leaving

I forgive Bernard for choosing to leave

I forgive Bernard for not preparing us more

I forgive Bernard for asking us to continue without him

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be angry at Bernard for leaving

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be angry at Bernard for leaving me and cerise

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be angry at Bernard for not preparing us more

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be angry at Bernard for asking us to continue without him guiding us

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see myself as too weak to stand

The decision I have made is to change

The decision I have made entails the responsibility of pushing myself beyond my current cycle of comfortability

I realise that this means that I have to push myself to be consistent within basic principles of self-motivation, self-discipline and self-dedication to the process of change

I dedicate myself to the simple act of writing a blog everyday

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to make mistakes

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use the self-created idea that anything I do has to be perfect as “I am the Son of Bernard”

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be angry at myself for making mistakes as the mistakes reveal my imperfection

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear revealing my imperfections as the imperfections reveal my vulnerabilities

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being vulnerable

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use paranoia and fear of how people will react to my blogs as an excuse and justification to not write

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use specific words to redesign my self-forgiveness statement so as not to actually assist myself, but to keep myself in a never ending cycle of self-abuse

I commit myself to when and as I see that I am trying to abuse my self-forgiveness through how I place my words, I stop and correct the design of the sf statement so that I can allow myself to forgive myself for real

I commit myself to consistently blog, where I do not accept and allow myself to use excuses and justifications to not blog

I commit myself to learn from my mistakes and not use them as an excuse or justification to go into isolation, hiding and fear

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Day 15 - The Game of Recognition

I have been looking at one of the main reasons I enjoy playing games, which is the ego boost I get when I win. What I mean by games is pretty much anything that you do in a day. I mean, you can whatever you are doing into a competition. For example : If you are working, you make it a competition to work faster, harder and better than the other person or if you are talking to lots of people you can make it a competition to speak louder, more often and have the most response from the people you are talking to. I realise when looking at this point that I am coming from a point of fear and desire - Desire for recognition and fear of not getting it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire recognition
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear not getting the recognition I believe I deserve
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I deserve recognition
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am better than people who cannot do what I do as well as I can – no matter what it is
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being inferior to other people especially when I see that they can do anything even slightly better than I can – no matter what it is
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to expect and believe that I am better than anyone with anything given the chance to learn
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that If I learned the same skill that I see In another, that I would be able to do it better than and learn it faster than the other person
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel envious about any skill that another has that I don’t
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel guilty that I don’t already possess that skill or never allowed myself to finish learning it
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that I am not useful enough or valuable enough for what we are doing
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see myself as unworthy of life
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see myself as unworthy of process
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see and experience as unworthy in all forms
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear not being able to make myself worthy
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see it as necessary to find some way so as to prove my worth to those around me and especially to myself
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear not living up to the expectations that I perceive are part of who I should be
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see myself as a failure
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being seen in the same way as I see myself, as that would mean that I would have to see myself in their eyes
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear looking at myself, as I believe that that would mean I would have to look at and see who I should and how I should’ve lived my live
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel guilty for living my life in such an irresponsible and selfish way
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel ashamed of my life and how much more difficult I have made my own life out of ignorant and selfish choices
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself according to my past instead of who I choose to be
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to forgive and let go of my past
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear letting go of my past because I believe that if I do I will make the same mistakes of the past
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realise that through holding onto my past I am actually keeping the same cycle of mistakes running
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to regret my life choices
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that need i recognition so as to motivate me into doing anything
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to justify not finishing what I started if I do not get the recognition I believe I deserve
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to spite others out of anger at myself for needing them to motivate myself
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I cannot motivate myself into doing anything

Day 3 - Walking Through Resistance

I have been resisting writing about redefining words and as I look at why I realize that the reason I keep coming to a point of completely resisting writing, as Redefining words is what I want to focus on but I cannot find a word to redefine, the point that I realise is that I need to redefine resistance or resisting facing a point.

If I look at how I have been living or existing as my current definition of resistance what I see is:

A point that I see as a waste of my time, useless, pointless to do or face or write about as I do not want to see that whatever point I am looking at exists within and as me as it doesn’t fit into my perception of myself.

The dictionary definition of resistance is:

— n

1. the act or an instance of resisting

2. the capacity to withstand something, esp the body's natural capacity to withstand disease

3. a. Compare reactance R  the opposition to a flow of electric current through a circuit component, medium, or substance. It is the magnitude of the real part of the impedance and is measured in ohms  b. ( as modifier ): resistance coupling ; a resistance thermometer

4. any force that tends to retard or oppose motion: air resistance ; wind resistance

5. (in psychoanalytical theory) the tendency of a person to prevent the translation of repressed thoughts and ideas from the unconscious to the conscious and esp to resist the analyst's attempt to bring this about

6. physics  the magnitude of the real part of the acoustic or mechanical impedance

7. line of least resistance  the easiest, but not necessarily the best or most honourable, course of action

Through sounding out the word the other words that I can hear are:

Tense, stance, cyst, rest, ants

If I look at all the information that I have gathered in terms of the word resistance and how it affects me:

My perception of the word resistance and my relation to this word makes it look to me as a bad word. The reason for this is that me resisting doing something shows me that I need to do what it is that I am resisting as it is a point that I am afraid of or too lazy to do and as I also see myself as better than the point that I am resisting( at least some of the time).

The associations that I have made to the word resistance are:

That the word is bad and that it means that I am lazy and not good enough to walk through the resistance as I am consumed by fear of change and the point that I am resisting would change me if I face or do it

The experience I have in relation to resistance if that I am lazy and that I start feeling ashamed of myself when I avoid walking through the resistance as I am afraid, so whenever I have had the word or form of resistance come up I feel immediately worse and like a huge weight has been put on my shoulders that I did not want as I feel like I am doing enough even though I know it is not true. I also use the word resistance to hide from changing my idea of who I am as I enjoy who I am even though I know who I am at the moment is comprised of fear, shame, guilt and laziness.

Self-Forgiveness:

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see the word resistance as something bad

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become angry at myself for going into resistance towards working through points or writing anything out

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to look at why I am resisting facing a point out of fear

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear resisting a point as it shows me that there points that I have not dealt with

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being seen as someone who cannot work through points, as someone weak and as someone useless

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to limit myself to the point where I go into a complete shutdown instead of dealing with a point

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see what I am doing to myself as a point of distraction and entrapment

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to enjoy the comfort of hiding behind my resistances and fear

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that if I am stuck in a point of resistance that people will see me as less than them

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being seen as less than

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to take it personally when the idea that someone is seeing me as less than me comes up

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become entirely consumed by resistance which is all fear based

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become entirely controlled by fear

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to let fear dictate my every move

If I look at what would best define the word resistance I come up with these possibilities:

A point that is being revealed as something to work on and requires direction as it is affecting myself as who I am as I am allowing myself to go into a reaction even if I do not realize it.

Definition:

Resistance is an experience from the mind that it uses to hold self back from facing whatever point is in front of me.

Resistance can be used as a tool to indicate when I am hiding from or using an excuse to not face a point and therefore an indication that I should push myself and walk through the resistance.

Checking the definition

a.   Is there a polarity in the definition that I have assigned to the word?

Answer: No

b.   Can I stand by this definition of the word eternally?

Answer: Yes

c.   Does the definition that I wrote represent what the word means?

Answer: Yes

Day 1 - Fear of Loss

Day 1 - Fear of Loss

Bumi Ran into the Barbecue

A few days ago Bumi me and Maite’s dog ran into the weber by accident, and I saw her run into and heard her squeal. I got angry because she can hurt her hips and get hip dysplasia which can be extremely dangerous as it is difficult to correct or more likely lead to us having to put her down which I really don’t want to have to do. Bumi has hurt her hip before by running in the house and slipping on the floor which caused her to limp for almost two weeks, when she was younger which scared me a lot.

Well I got angry when she ran into the weber because I was scared of her hurting herself badly and making me have to put her down and I don’t want to lose her. I was also angry because I told her to be more careful and she didn’t listen to me. I had a dog when I was younger that I had to put down because she was old but, in reality she lived longer then she should’ve because I pushed her out of fear of losing her. The year before Blackie died I found a bump on her chest and we took her to the vet and found out that it was a tumor and that we might have to put her down, but they ran tests and were able to surgically remove the tumor. I was so scared of losing her that I was crying a lot and was trying to help her as much as I could by trying to heal the tumor. I was also begging her not to die because I didn’t know if I would be able to survive losing her. The week she died I couldn’t find her and went looking for her around our house and found her close to the bottom of the garden where she was lying down and I tried to call her to get her to walk with me back to the house but she treid and couldn’t get up so I had to pick her up and carry her back up to the house. I also saw that her shit was black and when I spoke to Bernard he said that it was enough, that I had put her through enough pain and that it was time to put her down. We decided to take her to the vet the next day since it was late and when Cerise asked me if I wanted to come with I said no. I said no. I told them not to wake me up but just to take her and go. I set up a bed for her next to me so that she could sleep with me one last time. I couldn’t get to sleep for a long time. When I woke up she was gone and her collar was lying on my desk. I was so angry with myself for not going and I was angry with her for leaving me. I couldn’t bear to throw the collar away so I kept it and I wore it for almost a month at all times. I would shower with it and sleep with it and I would cry every night. I can’t do that again. I loved her but I neglected her when all she did was help me t the point where I killed her because I wasn’t changing Because I failed she killed herself to try and make me move to allow me to move on. My selfishness killed her, my guilt killed her I killed her. She was everything to me and I killed her and I wasn’t even strong enough to go to the vet with her I was too much of a coward I was too weak. I will not allow myself to do that ever again I will not forget what she did for me I will not forget her and I will never Forgive myself for allowing myself to do that to a being that loved and supported me unconditionally. I went through putting Blackie down which was and is and always will be the most difficult thing that I have ever done and I don’t want to have to go through it again with Bumi because I’m scared that I will not be strong enough to help her through it and that I will not be strong enough to live through the pain of losing her.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I cannot am unable to and are not allowed to forgive myself for pushing Blackie to the point where she had to die to make me move.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to forgive myself for pushing Blackie to die

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to force myself into an endless cycle of pain, misery and guilt to ‘make up’ for pushing Blackie to suffer for years for me

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to let go of and move past the guilt of pushing Blackie to suffer and die for me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that Blackie would not be able to forgive me so that I could continue the cycle

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I have to punish myself for all eternity to redeem myself for pushing Blackie to suffer and die for me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I forced Blackie to take on my points and suffer for me instead of realizing that she chose to assist and support for as long as I required it even to the point of killing herself so that I could move forward

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to postpone forgiving myself out of fear of losing her and out of fear of losing everything that I believe makes me who I am

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I can never move forward from this point because it would destroy everything Blackie did for me instead of realizing that moving past this point was the reason she chose to remove herself

 I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to let go of being angry at myself and in turn all of existence

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that if I spread my angry out onto everything else that it would make my anger towards myself diminish

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that I have to forgive myself for what I believe I did so as to move on

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use my guilt as a shield or mask so as not to allow myself to face who I am

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to face myself in relation to all that I have done in Blackie’s name and realize that what I am doing is actually coming from a point of guilt instead of what is best for all

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that hiding in my private little safe is what is best for all instead of realizing that it is only a way to hide myself from existence safe and secure instead of devoting myself fully to what is best for all

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am not allowed to face this point as it would destroy everything that I am

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to allow my mind and systems to try to stop me from facing this point

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that writing out sf wouldn’t change anything about me and my life

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see myself as weak and cowardly

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself according to what I did and who I was

I realize that I did not kill Blackie, she chose to die to assist and support me in moving forward

I realize that taking out my anger on everything and everyone around me is pointless and only hurts existence and myself

I realize that I have to allow myself to forgive myself so as to move past this point as it still holding me back because I am too scared to move past it

I realize that being scared of facing myself is my minds way of stopping me from assisting and supporting myself and all of existence

I realize that being afraid of losing Bumi or anything will create a situation where I must face the point or lose the thing that I am afraid of losing to push me to walk through the fear

I realize that allowing my mind to dictate that I need to go into a specific reactive state such as fear is complete and utter bullshit and only limits who I am and what I am capable of achieving in terms of what is best for all

I realize that when I allow myself to get emotional whenever I remember Blackie, that all I am doing is trapping myself in an endless loop of guilt and anger towards myself, which is totally unacceptable

I realize that I should not look at the memory of Blackie in regret, as that invalidates everything she did for me

I realize that allowing myself to see Blackie dying as my fault, all I am doing is creating a “safe place to hide” in an endless loop of guilt and anger, never allowing myself to move forward

I realize that I must allow myself to let go of Blackie and the idea that her death was my fault

When and as I see myself going into the pattern of “I killed Blackie and deserve to be punished and I must therefore take out my anger and self-pity on those around me to make me feel better” I instead stop breathe and realize that I am going into a loop of guilt and anger, I then stop myself from allowing myself to go into the loop that I have been trapped in and I move on

When and as I see myself going into a reactive state when I see Bumi or other dogs hurt themselves, instead of going into anger and fear, I stop and breathe and I realize that I am going into fear, I let go of the fear and instead go check on the dog and help in any way to prevent that situation from happening again, for instance move the weber out of reach of the dogs “play-zone”

When and as I see myself go into fear of facing myself and hiding from myself I realize that it is just a fear that I have created to stop myself from leaving my “safety net” – instead I stop, breathe and push myself to let go of the fear and move through the desire to hide in my “safety net” I then face myself in whatever point I am dealing with in the moment