Day 13 - Group Gaming

A few years ago me and some of my friends used to get together on weekends to play some networked games. In the beginning of our gaming “phase” we would start gaming on Saturday mornings all day and sometimes all through the night into Sunday mornings, and during these times we would take short bathroom breaks and food or coffee breaks, but otherwise we would be playing whatever we would want to play. It was a lot of fun, to say the least.

After a while of doing this, most of the people in our little group started getting tired of doing it so often and so long so they would leave earlier or not be really willing to play, which made me feel disappointed and also feel as if it was my fault as I would always try to push them to play longer or try to have as much fun as we used to have, in other words I tried my best to force enjoyment and socialization upon the people around me which I only realise now would probably have contributed to them being more reluctant to play as I would act like an annoying little child which would’ve frustrated them.

I was the youngest of the group so I was seen and treated like a child which I did not enjoy but I endured it because I saw the gaming point as the only way to connect and form relationships with the people in the group – as they were a lot older than me - so I tried to hold onto the point of group gaming for as long as I could and through doing that I inadvertently contributed to the eventual discontinuance of the regular gaming events and it turned into a fairly rare occasion. I would still play with one or two of them at a time but it wouldn’t have the same energy and feeling of a group playing a game and enjoying themselves together.

To Be Continued…

Day 12 - Beauty and the Nerd

A few years ago I went with some friends to a local computer networking game at a big warehouse where there was at least two hundred guys playing games like Quake 3, Warcraft 3 and others. The one person in our group was a pretty girl so as we entered the warehouse almost all the guys looked up at her with looks of pure amazement on their faces like – OH MY GOD It’s a GIRL!!!!!! Lol . It’s interesting that just because of the fact that you enjoy computers or computer games you believe that you cannot even speak to a girl or consider a relationship.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that because I enjoy computers I cannot have a relationship
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear having computers be in the way of a relationship
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that, since society displays anyone with computer knowledge as a socially unacceptable person known as a nerd
I forgive myself for acceptable and allowing myself to fear being seen or defined as a nerd
I forgive myself for acceptable and allowing myself to define anyone with computer knowledge and gaming skills as a nerd
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be angry at myself for allowing myself to be defined as a nerd
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that being a nerd is a “bad” thing
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that if I am seen as a nerd it will “damage my reputation” and limit my communication with people as they will see and define me as less than them
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being seen as less than anyone else
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being unable to get my point across since people won’t be able to take me seriously as they have defined me as less than by being a nerd
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear not being taken seriously when speaking to people
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see and define a nerd as less than me
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I need to be seen as more than “just a nerd”
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear damaging my reputation – which is in fact my ego
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear damaging my ego
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that people that see me as a nerd will be able to take advantage of me because I will become a nerd to please them as an alternative to damaging my ego and idea of self-importance
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that if I do not live up to the expectations of being a nerd to the people that already see me as a nerd, that I will be less than a nerd which will mean to me that I am not even a nerd to them so then I will have nothing and be useless
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that if I have no self-belief of importance at any level that I will be nothing and that I will be useless
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being seen as nothing
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being seen as useless at any level
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for believing that if I have no use that I will have no purpose and will have no way of assisting others which will therefore make me completely redundant and expendable
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being seen as redundant and expendable
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being defined as purposeless
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear having no way to prove how useful I am
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear having people be disappointed in me
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project my fear onto others so that I can use them as an excuse to hide from facing the real point which is that fact that I perceive myself as useless
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing to see and define myself as useless
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being seen as useless
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear losing my idea/believe of self-importance
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe the idea that I am important
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that without the secure belief of self-importance

When and as I see myself entering the nerd character I stop, breathe and I realise that I am going into the self-programmed definition of being a nerd and thus limiting who I am, how I see myself, what I can do and who I can be. I commit myself to stop defining myself as the self-programmed, self-defined definition of being a nerd just because I have knowledge about computers and I commit myself to stop defining others as nerds just because they have knowledge about computers

When and as I see myself going into the fear of losing self-importance I stop, breathe and I realise that this is just me trying to defend my self-proclaimed definition of honour. I commit myself to stop defining my self-importance in terms of how other people see me and to simply apply my skills in a way that is best for all