Day 46 - Call of Duty

A point I noticed within anger is that it comes up as a small point and when I get angry I feel it as a wheel that spins. The angrier I get the faster and harder the wheel spins. Within the wheel I see past experiences of anger. I can place myself within the experience of anger even now with no reason and what I see within this is that the anger is always here just waiting to build up and explode. With working outside I use anger to push myself to do more and it causes me to do less. I see the point when I do stables especially, as doing stables seems like a waste of my time, but I do it as it is my Duty. I use the word Duty as if I am forced to do it against my will and then use it to manipulate people. When I use anger to do stables I start feeling annoyed with my body and take more time to do them, using the justification that I am sore, tired or have to do something else first. I actually enjoy working outside, but have now turned it into a chore or a Duty, instead of accepting responsibility of the work and allowing myself to thrive in it with all of the plans I have to make improvements. I make plans, but do not follow through like I used to, as I have poisoned the point with anger.

I commit myself to working on my anger and moving through it, as it is holding me back

I commit myself to not use anger as a hiding place

I commit myself to not rely on others to push and motivate me to accept and follow through on my responsibilities

I commit myself to motivate and push myself

I commit myself allow myself to accept the joy and satisfaction that writing has brought me and I commit myself to writing something every day no matter how small

Day 37 - The Big Problem of "Little Things"

I was in town the other day buying equipment for the farm and picking up food for the animals and what happened was that I got distracted in terms of what I needed to do and I had not written everything down so, I forgot to collect some of the food that was bought earlier in the day. I had to go back the next day to collect it as some of the shops don’t like it when the stuff isn’t picked up soon after it is bought. It meant that I had to waste time and spend half of another day in town when I could’ve been working on the farm, especially since there isn’t many people capable of doing the physical work that I do.(There isn’t many guys - lol)

The point that I realised from this – and other instances – is that if you are not stable and focused, you easily get distracted from what you need to do. I also was in a rush as I don’t enjoy being in town and I had been there almost the whole day already.

I also realized that I need to be more diligent in writing points that need to be done as work is easily forgotten and you cannot rely on memory to keep track of all the work. There is many little things that get forgotten as they are not very important and other big problems that need fixing get in the way so, the little things start to pile up higher and higher until they are also big problems.

The point that I see is that whenever I can pay attention to the little things instead of leaving it for the next day – which often turns into the next month – I will place whatever spare time that I have available to taking on the small points so as to Prevent them from turning into Big problems.

The same thing can be said in terms of my personal process – meaning that when I see I am allowing a “small” point to influence me, I stop and correct it before it compiles into a possession/obsession or causes me to create conflict as an outflow onto the beings around me.

www.lite.desteniiprocess.com

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Day 24 - The Lazy Student

Anthony was an amazing man to me. He would always treat me like an adult and talk to me as such and point out when I was doing something wrong, but I do not have a single memory that I can find of him being angry at me or of him ever being angry. He was a lot of fun to be around. He was always able to put people into a good mood and make them laugh. He was open, honest and always willing to help me, but at that stage I wasn’t willing to get help from anyone about anything in my life. I was a bratty little child. He never told me that there was something I couldn’t do and was willing to show me anything I wanted to learn that he was able to teach, but I was never a very good student as I thought of myself as unable to do anything without help. Most of the time when I needed something, I went to him as I wasn’t willing to look and learn to do it myself. I used and abused him for his knowledge and was happy with having someone that I could get what I wanted from.

This blog is a continuation to Day 21 - I lost my Friend my Brother and Day 23 - My Mother BETRAYED Me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge Anthony as amazing, fun and honest
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be envious of Anthony and his character
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as less than Anthony
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge Anthony as a calm person
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as a bratty little child
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as selfish
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as lazy
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as incapable of learning
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see myself as a bad student
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see myself as someone that cannot be helped in any way by another
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to go to others for help
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see going to others for help as weakness
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as weak
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use someone for their knowledge
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abuse someone for their knowledge
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to manipulate people for their knowledge
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to manipulate people to help me out of laziness
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be happy that my ego is satisfied
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to satisfy my ego by winning through successfully manipulating someone
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to satisfy my ego by exerting my power over them
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to satisfy my ego by seeing myself as more powerful as the person I am influencing
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to follow and try to satisfy my ego to get energy, so I can feel in control, bigger, stronger and smarter than other people
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being seen as inferior
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to be seen as strong
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to be seen as strong, since I do not see myself as strong, I therefore need others to reaffirm the idea that I have created of myself of being strong
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to investigate for myself what actual strength is and redefining it within and as myself and from there developing the redefinition of strength as myself
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to be seen as powerful
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to be seen as powerful, since I do not see myself as powerful, I therefore need others to reaffirm the idea that I have created of myself of being powerful
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to investigate for myself what actual powerfulness is and redefining it within and as myself and from there developing the redefinition of powerful as myself
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to be seen as superior, as I use the character trait of superiority to suppress the fact that I see myself as inferior and also fear being seen as inferior by others, as I fear that they will take advantage of me
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to be respected
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to be seen as respected, since I do not respect myself, I therefore need others to reaffirm the idea that I have created of myself of being respected
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to investigate for myself what actual respect is and redefining it within and as myself and from there developing the redefinition of respect as myself
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to be feared, as I fear others and as I want to be the most feared being, since I see that if people fear you, they give to you their energy and submit to your power, which means that you are then in control of their life
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being ignored, because when I am being ignored, I see myself as not being good enough or worthy of the person’s attention
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being left behind, because when I feel like I am being left behind, I feel like I am not good enough to be a part of whatever is happening
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself within my perception of Anthony
and the character traits that I saw he had that I wanted, such as: strength, compassion, motivation, intelligence, skill, efficiency and dedication – instead of standing equal and one with him and learning from his example

To Be Continued...

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Day 23 - My Mother BETRAYED Me

This is a continuation to Day 21 - I lost my Friend, My Brother

I lost someone who is was and always will be more than family, brother, father and friend. He died in October 2011. As far as I know he killed himself. His name was Anthony. The first memory I have of him is from when I was around 10-11 years old. My mother had recently married another man and he was an aggressive, self-absorbed type of man. He had physically hurt me a few times – not as extensively as some who was actually beaten but enough to make me fear and hate men older than me. The memory of Anthony I have is from when he was dating my sister and they had sat me down to talk to me about why I was so scared and aggressive towards him. I told them that I was scared that he was going to hurt me like my step-father did and started crying, so Anthony hugged me and told me that he would never hurt me. Some of the details may be off but this is one of the strongest memories I have of him. I cannot remember how long I had known Anthony before this.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge my step-father as an aggressive, self-absorbed, stubborn, asshole
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my step-father since he was extremely aggressive towards me
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear men that are bigger and more athletic than I am, as I believe them to be stronger than me and as such, able to hurt me
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that people bigger than me are going to and are able to hurt me
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I need to be bigger than everyone so that they cannot hurt me
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into fear and ego when I am around my step-father, as I see myself as less than him because he is an extremely athletic person
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see myself as less than my step-father
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as weak and lazy as I always tried to “weasel” my way out of doing anything athletic when I was younger
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project the belief and presence of being better than athletics and athletic people, since I actually see and believe myself to be less than athletics and athletic people
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear people seeing that I see myself as too weak to participate in athletics
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe and judge that I am too weak to participate in athletics
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to actually create and manifest the physical weakness that I perceived, believed and judged myself to consist of
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be angry at my step-father for ruining the relationship I had with my mother as I saw who she actually was when she started giving over all of her power to him because she felt safe with such a strong man around
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame my step-father for my mother giving her power away and through that, blame him for ruining my relationship with my mother
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to believe that my mother would give herself and her power over to someone else willingly
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see it as a betrayal that my mother gave up and left me for my step-father
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that my mother betrayed me
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be angry at my mother for betraying me
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be angry at my mother for leaving me
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be angry at my mother for revealing to me that she believes herself to be weak and incapable to live on her own, which in turn causes me to see myself as weak and incapable of living on my own
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see my mother as weak and powerless for giving herself over to a man that she married for no other reason than protection and security in life
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that since my mother is weak, incapable of living on her own and looking for a partner that can provide for her, that in turn means that I must do all these things, as I have to follow in my mother’s footsteps, as she is supposed to be a “life model” that I have to follow
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be angry at my mother for damaging my life as I see her as the cause of me following all these ridiculous paths in life
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that my mother damaged my life
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realise that I chose to follow in her footsteps, that I chose my own life paths, that I damaged my life and that I am the one responsible for my choices in life and in who I choose to be

To Be Continued...

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Day 22 - Neo Apartheid: Steal from the Poor and give to the Rich

Recently in the Gauteng Province in South Africa the government has been pushing for a new road tolling system called “e-tolling”. My main focus in this blog is not going to be about the system of e-tolling, but rather the speed that the government has used in pushing the system. The government says that the money from the new tolling system would be used to implement road upgrades. The cost of these upgrades would be around R20 Billion, but the expected profits from the new tolling system would be around R70 Billion. The article compares how the government is pushing this new system with a lot more due diligence than – for instance – the slow pace of restricting labour brokers.

"When it comes to the capitalist class, the government had speed in its legs. But when it comes to the interests of the poor the government moves very slowly,"
This quote from the article pretty much describes the whole point of Neo Apartheid, steal from the poor to make the rich richer.
“Vavi said money lost through corruption had to be retrieved and put towards building roads."This e-tolling thing is another way to steal from the poor." "Don't be arrogant with power, because we as workers will take that power and then you will be ordinary people," Vavi said.”
There is a planned protest march against this new system, where the main speaker and instigator of this protest has asked the people to drive to the nearest toll gate and park their car in front of it for the whole day in protest to this system.
"Comrades bring along your cars, bicycles, and horses if you have one, to close down the freeways on Thursday."
I wonder though if any of these protests would make any sort of a difference as the upper class will always find a way to secure their own position. The only way to really change the point is to change the system, to change the rules of the game. To help redesign the system for what is best for all come join us at www.equalmoney.org 

Sources:
http://www.news24.com/SouthAfrica/News/Vavi-Govt-moved-fast-on-tolls-20121130
http://www.news24.com/SouthAfrica/News/Cosatu-threatens-to-destroy-toll-booths-20121128
http://www.news24.com/SouthAfrica/News/Toll-vandals-will-be-punished-govt-20121129-2
http://www.news24.com/SouthAfrica/News/Anti-tolling-marches-under-way-20121130

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Day 20 - ANC Squanders Taxpayers Money Under NeoApartheid

I read an interesting news article recently about how the two main international airports in South Africa have not been doing health checks for travellers from the rest of Africa. They specify that they should have been checking for “Yellow Fever” which according to the WHO is a virus that kills on average 30 000 people a year in Africa as there are no specific treatments for the virus. The WHO also said that the virus is usually transmitted by mosquitos.

The reason that they have not been doing the health checks due to – in part – the lack of staff, also the staff has not been willing to work on public holidays and weekends as they do not get paid overtime. The provincial health department and Airports Company SA could not be reached for comment. The Information was brought forward by the Democratic Alliance.

From my perspective one of the points that I saw within this article is that the current government is using state funds for personal reasons rather than putting the money where it should go. For example: The UK annually sends 19 million Pounds of aid to the South African government mainly aimed at reducing HIV. The reason I say this is because of the fact that there has been a recent scandal around President Zuma concerning the upgrades to his personal “palace”. The South African government spent around 17.5 million Pounds on the Presidents family home and about 40 million Pounds on upgrading the roads around and in his Palace, all of this money came from taxpaying citizens. Another point is that President Zuma asked many companies, mainly in the mining sector to “tighten their belts” so that they can pay their workers more. All the while he is doing things like this where he throws taxpayers money around like it is nothing and the government stops allocating the money that should go to things like public transport, public healthcare, job creation, education and food security. What this is saying to South African citizens is that the government has a lot of money but it is used for the betterment of the ruling party and its members rather than the people who the ruling party are supposed to be protecting and empowering.

To read more click here

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