Day 2 - Fear of change

Annoyance with ineffective shop operations

Today I went shopping and on two occasions I got annoyed because of how the shops were being ineffectively run in terms of the cashiers. 

The first time was in a shop called clicks were they have the cashier stations for about 8 cashiers to work at the same time but they only had one cashier operator working and when I got into the line there was a person in front of me and behind me and one being helped by the cashier, which was already quite annoying because they should have at least 2 there at all times otherwise they have a big congestion in their lines, which takes a long time and I don’t like it when I have to wait for no reason. The woman in front of me also happened to be an old lady so, as soon as she walked up to the cashier she started asking these ridiculous questions that she could’ve answered easily by just reading the labels of the product she was looking for. The woman was also very slow in paying for her stuff, when all she had was like two items, but she was slow in taking out her wallet and her card – which was starting to piss me off because I didn’t have time to wait in that shop. As soon as she was done I walked up to the cashier and gave stuff and paid as quick as possible because I had other places to go, but I left the shop annoyed so as I was leaving I was breathing and felt relief as soon as I had left the shop.

The next time it happened it was at a shop called victoria packaging which stocks allot of cheap, effective storage and packaging items. At this shop they only have 2 cashiers stations but they only had one cashier working and their shop is very small and stacked to the point where it is extremely difficult to move around. I was already a little annoyed when I went in because it was hot and this shop doesn’t have any air conditioning and is very packed as I said so it is very cramped with people moving all over the place. I find all the stuff I am looking for and get into the line for the cashier with 2 guys in front of me and 2 guys behind me all waiting to pay – which to me is ridiculous as they should really have more cashiers working since it was so busy. 

The cashier asks the guy that is busy paying what size plant bags he has and he tells her that what he wanted was 15l bags and that the guy that works that section told him that those were the right size, the cashier looks at them and sees that they are the 20l bags, so she shouts from her desk to the guy that helped the customer and asks him to bring the right size for him so we all had to wait while the shop guy found the right size for the customer before he could pay. As soon as that guy was gone it went allot quicker to pay. By the time I had left the shop, the other cashier goes to her station, but the line had almost disappeared so it seemed like too little too late. We were waiting for some of the other guys to finish in the shop, but they were taking long so I went to check on them and saw them at the cashier station. I went and asked if they were having trouble with something and they said that they were accidentally overcharged so the cashier was busy sorting out the problem. 

They told her that it was fine since it wasn’t much money. I also went in to get water to drink and the people asked if the extra could be allocated to paying for the drinks and the cashier said sure and told us what to take to even out the balance, so I got water. I was a little pissed at that situation as the cashier actually fucked up by overcharging but I felt better when it got resolved quickly because of the water evening out the balance. I was very happy to be out of that shop as it is an extremely cramped and hot space.

When reading over my writing I realize that I am continuously blaming the people in the shops for wasting my time and I realize that this in turn reflects unto me, in terms of I am still blaming myself for all the time I wasted when I was younger. Years ago all I did was play computer games, watch tv and sleep. All I was doing was nothing. I would sleep all day then stay awake as long as I could while timing myself, to see if this time was longer than last time. I ignored doing my home-schooling and working on my process and just sat around all day watching shit to pass the time. I was extremely lazy. Within this I see that I am still angry with myself for being lazy and I see that I am now taking out that anger on people that I deem as wasting my time, since all I used to do was waste my time. Even still today sometimes I feel like I am wasting my time because I would do all the things I needed to do but, when I was done with those things I wouldn’t go looking for something else to do I would just do almost nothing.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become annoyed when I perceive shops to be ineffectively operated

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that if I had the chance that I could run the shop better

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be impatient when there is someone ahead of me in a line that is taking longer than I want them to

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to breathe and remain stable, here and patient when there is someone taking longer than me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that the people and cashiers are just trying to waste my time

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that my time is worth more than anyone else’s

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that I have to be patient in such a situation instead of going into the mindset of annoyance and anger

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that me getting annoyed and angry is actually going to make the people work faster

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I have any form of control over what others do

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see and judge old or handicapped people as useless and inefficient and therefore expendable

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see myself as better than the cashiers or shop managers just because I believe that I could do their jobs much better than they can

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge something that I have no practical experience in as easy

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become uncomfortable and annoyed when I get hot and am standing in a cramped area

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge a cramped room/building as lazy and disorganized

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame others for wasting my time when I was actually blaming myself for wasting time

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use blaming other people as a way to hide from facing this point

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be lazy and not look for things to do

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to justify being lazy to make myself feel better

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hide behind justifications and excuses

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that blaming myself and others will not allow me to work with the point of being lazy or wasting time

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that wasting time and being lazy is an offence to life and creation

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that I need to push myself to do more for life

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to resist pushing myself to do more for life

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be angry at myself for wasting time

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to let go of the anger and the guilt and the blame

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that me taking out my anger on other people will help me work through my anger

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress my anger to the point where when it comes out it comes out in the form of aggression towards other beings

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold onto points long past instead of letting them go and moving forward

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to forgive myself for what I have done and let go of the point and the anger and move forward instead of allowing myself to become trapped in a loop of past events

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that holding a grudge like that against myself will not only hurt me but might come to the point of hurting those around me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to postpone writing this post out of fear of discussing this point

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be afraid of revealing points to those around me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be afraid of facing this point as it has defined almost half of my life

I realize that me blaming others is a way to hide the fact that I am angry with myself

When and as I see myself getting angry with someone I stop, I breathe, I realize that I am projecting my anger towards myself onto those around me, I stop projecting my anger and when I have a moment I investigate how what I see in the other is a reflection of what exists in me

I commit myself to stop projecting my anger onto others

I commit myself to investigating where and why the anger came up and how what I saw triggered the reaction of anger within myself and how what I saw in that being is a reflection of myself

I realize that allowing myself to be scared of revealing points and facing the point of wasting time is ridiculous as I am using the fear as a way to hide from change

When and as I see myself going into fear in terms of facing the point of laziness and fear of change I stop, I breathe, I stop the ranting in my mind and I realize that I can never lose myself no matter what changes

I realize that me fearing change is just my minds way of holding me back and keeping me stuck in the same time-loops

When and as I see myself going into anxiety in terms of changing myself I realize that it is just my mind holding me back and I realize that even if all the worst case scenarios that are flashing through my head where to come true, I could never lose myself no matter how bad it got

I commit myself to not allow my mind to hold me back using fear

I realize that allowing myself to be controlled by my mind is just a way to hide from myself behind a big shield

I realize that allowing myself to hide from myself behind a big shield is completely ridiculous and will only cause suffering for me and those around me

When and as I see myself “taking out the big shield” I stop, I breathe and I let go and allow myself to participate as an equal in sharing and expressing myself openly

I commit myself to allowing myself to participate as an equal in sharing and expressing myself openly