Day 9 - Driving Scared - Writing only

On my last driving lesson I drove in town for an hour with the instructor taking me along the path that I will drive on my test day so that I will be “used to it” when I do my test. During my lesson the one point that I had to remember while driving was to check every road that connected to the road that I was busy driving on. While I was driving I had to slightly turn my head to every intersection that I drove through while I was driving to show the instructor that I was checking. Meaning that while I drove I had to turn my head so that the instructor could see and keep an eye on the road all at the same time, quite unnerving to say the least, I mean I have to watch the road while making sure that the instructor sees that I am checking the roads! I check the roads the roads as I drive but the showing the person next to you while in traffic thing is really freaking scaring!!!

Day 8 - Assassin's Creed Mania

Recently I went to watch a movie in the cinema and as usual they played a whole bunch of advertisements. As the advertisements were playing the people in the cinema were either applauding or booing the advertisements based on if they were good or not. The one advertisement was for a game called Assassin’s Creed 3 and the advertisement was quite vague as it started but when the main character’s image came onto the screen the crowd applauded with a lot more vigour than before. The game series is one of the most popular games at the moment and one of the games that I really enjoy playing, but that is for another time…

The point that I am trying to make is just how energetic the people in the audience became over as simple a thing as a picture of a man – animated or not – it was just a picture. This reveals to me just how brainwashed people are as to their reaction to a picture. I realized that as I have also been anticipating this game’s arrival, I also reacted with an energy build-up of excitement.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be affected by the energy of people around me
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into energy over images
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be excited over a game
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be influenced by energy
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into an energy state of anticipation over the prospect of playing a game that I believe I will enjoy solely based on my experiences with the previous games in the series
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge people based on their reactions to images
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become angry when I realized how “brainwashed” myself and others are in terms of pictures
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be influenced by pictures
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be affected by the way pictures are used for programming
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become angry when seeing that I was affected by the programming that is placed in the formation of pictures

When and as I go into energy because of pictures I stop, breathe and let go of the energy. I realize that the energy build-up is a pre-programmed response to stimulus and is used to charge the mind system and I commit myself to not be affected by the programming of the picture and instead breathe and walk in the moment without going into pre-programmed desires

When and as I see myself going into anger because of going into pre-programmed energy desires I stop, breathe and let go of the anger. I realize that the anger I go into is out of guilt and shame of being affected by pre-programmed desires and I commit myself to not go into the guilt, shame and anger and instead breathe and walk in the moment without going into self-anger, guilt and shame

When and as I see myself going into judgement of others I stop, breathe and let go of the judgement. I realise that I go into judgement to stop myself from realising that I am doing the same as the person that I am judging and I commit myself to not go into judgment and instead breathe and walk in the moment without going into judgment

Day 7 - Screaming to be Heard

I have been sick recently and while I have been sick I noticed an interesting point. My nose was blocked and my chest was tight in such a way that breathing and speaking was difficult. I have been speaking quite softly so as to not hurt my chest as speaking made it feel more constricted – and what I noticed was that I didn’t need to speak loudly so as to make people hear me as was my habit. Because even in speaking softly, everyone could hear everything I said without a problem.

I also would have a slight pressure in my head so when other people were speaking it would make the pressure worse but only in specific tonalities like laughter. Sometimes when I was still very sick just people speaking around me was too loud and would make me feel like going back to my room so as not to have to listen.

I realised that what I was doing when speaking was making my voice louder than it needed to be to get my point across and I noticed that it is something that everyone around me was doing. Also, everyone would speak on top of each other to different people in the same room and it was quite annoying to my sickness sensitised ears.

I realise that my reason for speaking loudly and over other people in the same room was so as to get my point across without any consideration for others. The cool thing was that since I was sick people had to be quiet, patient and listen to me speak because otherwise they wouldn’t be able to hear as I was speaking softly (or at least I wasn’t shouting) and slowly due to my breathing difficulties.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to speak loudly out of fear of not being heard or being misunderstood
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to speak over other people while they are talking to someone as it is out of a belief that I need to speak when there are people speaking so as to express that what I have to say is important enough to ignore what the other people are saying
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to build up my ego by talking over other people as if what I have to say is more important
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that whatever I have to say would be so important that I cannot wait for others to finish speaking
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to consider what other people might be speaking about and consider if I am not just “butting in” out of a desire to be seen as important
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I need to be seen as someone important so as to survive, even when it is at home
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear not being seen as worth listening to
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being ignored
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that if I was ignored than there would be no reason for me to exist
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear not existing
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear what might happen if I was not important
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am important
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to ignore people so as to express my dominance of importance over them so that they won’t ignore me
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use the ideas that I allowed people to create about me to manipulate them into doing things I want them to do
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe it necessary to manipulate people to give me attention and stature
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realise that this point exists within me without needing sickness to limit my ability to hide from myself
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see it as weakness to get sick
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to attempt to force my body not to get sick so that I will not give in to the point of weakness and be seen as weak because of it
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being seen as weak

When and as I see myself going into the point of fear of being seen as weak for getting sick I stop, breathe and I realise that the fear of being seen as weak is a point of ego and I commit myself to not allowing myself to fear being seen as weak and I commit myself to not allowing myself to be afraid of diminishing the “stature” that I believe myself to have with people

When and as I see myself going into the fear of not existing I stop myself, breathe and let go of the fear. I realise that the fear of not existing is actually a fear of the unknown and a fear of being forgotten which is a point of ego and I commit myself to not participate in fears of ‘what might happen’, instead I ground myself here and I simply walk

When and as I see myself going into the fear of being ignored I stop myself, breathe and let go of the fear. I realise that the fear of being ignored is an ego point and I commit myself to slow down and stop ignoring others in fear of being ignored, and thus – to do unto another as I would like to have done unto me

When and as I see myself going into the belief that I need to speak louder than everyone else I stop myself, breathe and let go of the belief. I realise that the belief that I need to speak louder than everyone else is a point of ego and a fear of not being seen as important and I commit myself to only speak as loud as is needed for others to hear me

Day 6 Driving Lesson and Self-Sabotage

I have started taking driving lessons and the other day I drove with a professional instructor for the first time. I was quite nervous about a few things, mainly about driving with someone I didn’t know. I was also nervous about her letting me drive in town with lots of traffic and people. When I have been in town with other people I have seen how some of the people drive in town and I was afraid of something happening and me not being able to stay calm and not go into fear and …well freak out.

While I was driving I was apparently going too slow for this guy behind me, so he speeds past me and almost crashes into me and the guy that was in front of me. I didn’t freak out though! Lol. I just breathed and had to swerve a little but all in all it was ok. I then drove us to the mall nearby.

For those of you who don’t know, when you learn to drive from a company/school the car you use has a second set of brakes and clutch in the passenger’s side. The whole time that I was driving she would push the brake just before I would push it. It was a little frustrating, as she would tell me to push the brake but she would already be pushing it. It was confusing to say the least but I would breathe and focus on what I was doing. I realize that she was telling me so that I can learn when to start doing it myself without her and she was pushing the stuff since she cannot trust in my ability to drive yet and so we don’t crash into someone! :)

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be afraid of having to speak to people outside of process

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be afraid of driving a car with a passenger in it

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be afraid of being judged as a bad driver by whatever passenger is in the car

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be scared of driving in traffic with many other cars

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be afraid of damaging whoevers car I am driving, especially the driver instructor’s car

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be afraid that other people on the road would be hooting at me for driving too slowly or something

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become irritated with people when they tell me to do something that they are already doing –like the driving instructor telling me to brake, while she had already taken over the point herself by braking.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to resist the assistance others give me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I don’t need help

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to force myself into the difficult paths instead of just simply doing the simple common sense route to anything

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that the best way to ensure that I “learn my lesson” is through pain and suffering

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project this anger towards myself onto others as a way to hide from facing any point

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I would go into fear if something bad happened on the road

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not trust my breathing in driving even though I have proven to myself that I can handle anything through breathing and remaining stable and not going into fear

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into fear about the whole driving and lesson and test process

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I will go into fear on my test day and fuck up while taking my test

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be afraid of disappointing myself and Maite if I fail my driving test

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be afraid of failure

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be afraid of having to start the whole driving process again as it costs time and money

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be afraid that if I do fail my driving test, I will have wasted a lot of money and time.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am going to fail my driving test as many of the people failed their first time

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be afraid of turning out like everyone else by failing my driving test

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that if I pass my driving test that I will be better than the other people who failed their first time

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for accepting and allowing myself to use the point of it being practical to pass the first time, to hide the ego-point of me winning by passing the first time

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that if I pass my driving test it will mean that I am a better driver than the people who failed

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to expect that I am going to fail because of me wanting to pass

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create failure in my life as a way for me to learn even though it is completely unnecessary and impractical

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that there is no way for me to pass the test as I want to pass to win

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that since I have created my failure already, that I cannot undo it

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that it is just a matter of changing my starting point and then walk in breath and self-trust

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am a perfectionist and as such, I cannot allow myself to fail no matter how ridiculous the point is

When and as I see myself going into the fear of failure I stop myself breathe and let go of the point that I am afraid of in that moment. I realize that fearing failure is a way for me to sabotage my personal process and to make working with myself more difficult. I commit myself to allowing myself to breathe through the fear, look at it in terms of why I am afraid to fail and not allow myself to sabotage my process out of fear of failure

When and as I see myself going into the believe of being a perfectionist I stop myself, breathe and let go of the point that I am currently using to impress people with. I realize that the belief that I need to be perfect so as to impress people is just me trying to build up my ego. I commit myself to not allowing myself to participate in the point of building up my ego so as to feel self-important and better-than as it is just another point of self-sabotage directed at my process.

When and as I see myself going into the fear of disappointing myself and other people I stop myself, breathe and let go of the fear. I realize that when I go into fear of being a disappointment it is only because I believe that I have to live up to those ideas of myself and what other people think of me which is just another form of self-sabotage. I commit myself to look at why I feel like I need to live up to expectations of my preconceived idea of myself and the preconceived ideas others have formed about me, I commit myself to not allowing myself to restrict myself into a being controlled by the expectations created by myself and what others have come to see me as and I commit myself to not allow myself to go into fear of what people might do or say when I do not act as who I have turned myself into based on the preconceived ideas of myself that others and I have created about myself

When and as I see myself projecting my anger onto others I stop, breathe and let go of the anger before I continue speaking. I realize that when I project my anger onto others I am using it as a shield so as not to be seen and so that I do not have to see the point I am afraid of facing, which is also a point of self-sabotage. I commit myself to not allow myself to use my anger as a shield for my fear and I commit myself to not allow myself to be afraid of being seen as someone that is afraid of facing myself

Day 5 - Stuttering

I have recently realized that I need to look at my communication with people as I tend to ramble and stutter instead of speaking clearly and directly and get my point across without confusing people and getting annoyed with them for not understanding me as if it is their fault.

When looking at the point I realise that I do it out of nervousness and fear of being misunderstood or getting into a fight over miscommunication that I will blame on the other person to give me a reason to be angry at them.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame others for what I see in them that I am actually projecting onto them
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project onto others the points that I have been suppressing
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to hide my fear with anger
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use blaming others as a way to hide form myself
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be afraid of speaking to other people
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into nervousness and fear when speaking to other people
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being misunderstood when speaking to other people
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to start rambling and stuttering out of fear of being misunderstood

I commit myself to stopping myself from going into fear when the concept of speaking to other people comes up
I commit myself to stop myself when I see myself start rambling and stuttering, breathe and slow myself down and choose my words specifically without being afraid of being misunderstood
I commit myself to stopping myself from blaming others when I start rambling or stuttering and realize that I am actually angry at myself for allowing myself to make a fool of myself and let go of my anger towards myself
I commit myself to not allowing myself to project my anger towards myself unto other people

Day 4- The Game of Taxes

If you have any experience in playing computer games, where you have to construct and maintain a civilisation with taxes and food and so on, then you will easily be able to see what I am talking about, otherwise I will try to explain this as best as I can.

In the game I am currently playing (when I have free time) I have to build a small city with people and fulfil their needs and desire to keep them happy otherwise they go on riots and I lose the mission. For each level of civilisation I have to fulfil different needs, for example – the first level of civilisation requires food and community, the second level requires the same as the previous level plus cloth and a chapel, the third level requires the same as the previous level plus alcohol, tobacco and education, and so on – you get the idea.

Apart from keeping the people happy through fulfilling their needs and desires (which takes money), these are the responsibilities you have as the ‘ruler’ of the game:

• Building houses for the people (which takes money)
• Build ships (which takes money)
• Build harbours, shipyards (which takes money)
• Build roads (which takes money)
• Build lumberjack facilities (which takes money)
• Build warehouses (which takes money)
• Set up food supply infrastructure (which takes money)
• Set up mining facilities to supply you with resource (which takes money)
• Maintain infrastructure, ships and soldiers (which takes money)

The best way to get money is through raising taxes that people have to pay. The trick is to keep the tax rate high enough so that you have sufficient money to cover all your costs yet keeping it low enough to not anger the people and prevent a revolt. So – to get more money, get more people – but more people means higher costs. As the ‘ruler’ of the game you’re thus constantly having to find a balance in making sure everyone is happy and you have enough money to fulfil your responsibilities and complete your mission. 

The thing that is so interesting about this game and games like this (and there are many) is the fact that the people revolt if their needs are not met and the tax rate goes too high. If, as I assume, the game designers are trying to imitate the world as it is now, they failed, badly. If you look at the world today all the government does is raise taxes and ignore about 90% of the people in this world’s needs, meaning that most of the world is suffering from either starvation or just really disgusting living conditions where they are forced to work shit jobs for almost no money and the price of basic living goes ever higher while the wages stay low, or in some cases get lower or become non-existent. 

In a game the people would have revolted and slaughtered everyone that stands in a position of power that allowed this world to turn into the shithole that it currently exists as, but in the real world do people actually do anything at all? The answer for the most part is no, people talk about changing the world but almost nothing ever happens. The reasons why people don’t stand up and say no are out of fear, for example – the fear of failure, the fear of not getting paid or losing their job and therefore not being able to survive, the fear of losing whatever wealth they had accumulated in their lives, the fear of insubordination and so-on. Then you also have the idea of not being able to change anything anyway, the idea of being too insignificant and weak to change anything – and if people do overcome their fears and ideas and gather on the streets, the police/military would be waiting for them with guns and water-cannons.

If you really look at it – who turned the world into this? Who allowed the rich and the powerful to do whatever they want so as to maintain their power and wealth? Guess. Ask yourself how it is that the rich and the powerful consist of about 1% of the population and the ones who give them their power is us, the ones who suffer in the trenches or in the office cubicle or in the desert or in the barren fields that have been stripped clean. We give them the ability to do all this because we are scared of saying no.

Ask yourself if this is the world you would like to leave to your children.

Ask yourself if this is the world you want to live in.

If the answer is no then support the people pushing for an equal money system as that is the last and only true answer available to correct what we have allowed to be created around us.

There are billions of people in this world and when enough of them stand together and say no the world will change. There is nothing the minuscule 1% can do if the 99% stand together.

Standing together doesn’t mean that you have to gather on the streets and start a revolt by force, real change comes through re-education and a joint understanding. What we propose will take time but what you have to decide is whether or not you are willing to stand together and turn this world into a place we actually want to live in and are proud to leave to our children.

Make your choice.

Here are the links of the websites dedicated to an equal money system and where the people who have made a choice are busy working on how to implement it no matter how long it takes.

http://equalmoney.org/

Day 3 - Walking Through Resistance

I have been resisting writing about redefining words and as I look at why I realize that the reason I keep coming to a point of completely resisting writing, as Redefining words is what I want to focus on but I cannot find a word to redefine, the point that I realise is that I need to redefine resistance or resisting facing a point.

If I look at how I have been living or existing as my current definition of resistance what I see is:

A point that I see as a waste of my time, useless, pointless to do or face or write about as I do not want to see that whatever point I am looking at exists within and as me as it doesn’t fit into my perception of myself.

The dictionary definition of resistance is:

— n

1. the act or an instance of resisting

2. the capacity to withstand something, esp the body's natural capacity to withstand disease

3. a. Compare reactance R  the opposition to a flow of electric current through a circuit component, medium, or substance. It is the magnitude of the real part of the impedance and is measured in ohms  b. ( as modifier ): resistance coupling ; a resistance thermometer

4. any force that tends to retard or oppose motion: air resistance ; wind resistance

5. (in psychoanalytical theory) the tendency of a person to prevent the translation of repressed thoughts and ideas from the unconscious to the conscious and esp to resist the analyst's attempt to bring this about

6. physics  the magnitude of the real part of the acoustic or mechanical impedance

7. line of least resistance  the easiest, but not necessarily the best or most honourable, course of action

Through sounding out the word the other words that I can hear are:

Tense, stance, cyst, rest, ants

If I look at all the information that I have gathered in terms of the word resistance and how it affects me:

My perception of the word resistance and my relation to this word makes it look to me as a bad word. The reason for this is that me resisting doing something shows me that I need to do what it is that I am resisting as it is a point that I am afraid of or too lazy to do and as I also see myself as better than the point that I am resisting( at least some of the time).

The associations that I have made to the word resistance are:

That the word is bad and that it means that I am lazy and not good enough to walk through the resistance as I am consumed by fear of change and the point that I am resisting would change me if I face or do it

The experience I have in relation to resistance if that I am lazy and that I start feeling ashamed of myself when I avoid walking through the resistance as I am afraid, so whenever I have had the word or form of resistance come up I feel immediately worse and like a huge weight has been put on my shoulders that I did not want as I feel like I am doing enough even though I know it is not true. I also use the word resistance to hide from changing my idea of who I am as I enjoy who I am even though I know who I am at the moment is comprised of fear, shame, guilt and laziness.

Self-Forgiveness:

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see the word resistance as something bad

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become angry at myself for going into resistance towards working through points or writing anything out

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to look at why I am resisting facing a point out of fear

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear resisting a point as it shows me that there points that I have not dealt with

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being seen as someone who cannot work through points, as someone weak and as someone useless

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to limit myself to the point where I go into a complete shutdown instead of dealing with a point

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see what I am doing to myself as a point of distraction and entrapment

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to enjoy the comfort of hiding behind my resistances and fear

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that if I am stuck in a point of resistance that people will see me as less than them

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being seen as less than

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to take it personally when the idea that someone is seeing me as less than me comes up

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become entirely consumed by resistance which is all fear based

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become entirely controlled by fear

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to let fear dictate my every move

If I look at what would best define the word resistance I come up with these possibilities:

A point that is being revealed as something to work on and requires direction as it is affecting myself as who I am as I am allowing myself to go into a reaction even if I do not realize it.

Definition:

Resistance is an experience from the mind that it uses to hold self back from facing whatever point is in front of me.

Resistance can be used as a tool to indicate when I am hiding from or using an excuse to not face a point and therefore an indication that I should push myself and walk through the resistance.

Checking the definition

a.   Is there a polarity in the definition that I have assigned to the word?

Answer: No

b.   Can I stand by this definition of the word eternally?

Answer: Yes

c.   Does the definition that I wrote represent what the word means?

Answer: Yes