Day 51 - My Scrawny Legs - Do I Look Masculine Enough?

This is a continuation of my previous blog, Day 50 My Scrawny Legs

When and as I see myself wanting to judge my legs and therefore myself, I stop the judgement, breathe - I see, realize and understand that I am judging myself as not masculine enough within the belief that I do not look scary enough to be seen as a strong man who is able to protect the ones around him and I realise that by judging myself I am only feeding energy into my insecurity which, if I allow myself to follow down this path, will leads to outbursts of anger towards myself and those around me and so I commit myself to stopping myself from allowing myself to judge my legs as not masculine enough and I instead accept my legs as they are and I allow myself to be grateful for the unconditional daily support that they give me.

When and as I see myself reacting to someone else either judging my legs or I perceive them to be judging my legs I stop, breathe and I see, realize and understand that I am judging myself based on a desire to be perfect in other people’s eyes and that I am judging myself based on the idea that other people need to be afraid of me when they see me as I see people fearing me as a sign of respect and I realise that I desire people to see me as scary so as to hide my insecurity and feed energy into my ego and if I allow myself to follow down this path I will be stuck in a loop of judgment and fear until I stop myself form participating in the energy and so I commit myself to stopping myself from reacting to someone judging my legs and I instead accept my legs as they are and I am grateful for the unconditional daily support they give me

When and as I see myself going into fear of someone judging my legs I stop, breathe and I see, realise and understand that I am projecting myself into the future and creating the expectation of someone judging my legs and I am creating the energy of fear and using it to feed my insecurities and I realise that I am creating a fear of something that may or may not happen and reacting to the possibility of being judged and so I commit myself to stopping myself from projecting myself into the future and creating the expectation of and fear of someone judging me and I instead accept my legs as they are and I am grateful for the unconditional daily support they give me and I keep myself stable in the present without projecting into the future out of fear of judgment

When and as I see myself going into fear of being vulnerable I stop, breathe and I see, realise and understand that I am reacting to the idea that vulnerability is not a trait of a masculine man and I realise that I am projecting myself into the future and creating the fear and expectation of being judged as not masculine enough and I realise that through creating this fear and expectation I am creating energy and feeding my insecurities and so I commit myself to be vulnerable and share myself with others as I realize and understand that it is within opening up and walking with others that I can walk my process most effectively

When and as I see myself going into a desire for the approval and envy of others I stop, breathe and I see, realise and understand that I am seeking confirmation of an idea of perfection that I have created to hide my insecurities and that I am seeking outside energy to boost my ego and make myself feel good so as to hide my fear of what others see me as and I realise that through creating and feeding this idea of strength and perfection I am feeding energy into my insecurities and that I am building a wall around myself to stop myself from being vulnerable and to stop others seeing how scared I really am and so I commit myself to stopping myself from building walls around myself and to stop myself from projecting/presenting a certain idea of myself - to instead allow others to see me as I am

Day 24 - The Lazy Student

Anthony was an amazing man to me. He would always treat me like an adult and talk to me as such and point out when I was doing something wrong, but I do not have a single memory that I can find of him being angry at me or of him ever being angry. He was a lot of fun to be around. He was always able to put people into a good mood and make them laugh. He was open, honest and always willing to help me, but at that stage I wasn’t willing to get help from anyone about anything in my life. I was a bratty little child. He never told me that there was something I couldn’t do and was willing to show me anything I wanted to learn that he was able to teach, but I was never a very good student as I thought of myself as unable to do anything without help. Most of the time when I needed something, I went to him as I wasn’t willing to look and learn to do it myself. I used and abused him for his knowledge and was happy with having someone that I could get what I wanted from.

This blog is a continuation to Day 21 - I lost my Friend my Brother and Day 23 - My Mother BETRAYED Me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge Anthony as amazing, fun and honest
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be envious of Anthony and his character
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as less than Anthony
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge Anthony as a calm person
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as a bratty little child
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as selfish
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as lazy
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as incapable of learning
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see myself as a bad student
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see myself as someone that cannot be helped in any way by another
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to go to others for help
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see going to others for help as weakness
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as weak
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use someone for their knowledge
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abuse someone for their knowledge
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to manipulate people for their knowledge
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to manipulate people to help me out of laziness
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be happy that my ego is satisfied
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to satisfy my ego by winning through successfully manipulating someone
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to satisfy my ego by exerting my power over them
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to satisfy my ego by seeing myself as more powerful as the person I am influencing
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to follow and try to satisfy my ego to get energy, so I can feel in control, bigger, stronger and smarter than other people
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being seen as inferior
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to be seen as strong
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to be seen as strong, since I do not see myself as strong, I therefore need others to reaffirm the idea that I have created of myself of being strong
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to investigate for myself what actual strength is and redefining it within and as myself and from there developing the redefinition of strength as myself
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to be seen as powerful
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to be seen as powerful, since I do not see myself as powerful, I therefore need others to reaffirm the idea that I have created of myself of being powerful
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to investigate for myself what actual powerfulness is and redefining it within and as myself and from there developing the redefinition of powerful as myself
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to be seen as superior, as I use the character trait of superiority to suppress the fact that I see myself as inferior and also fear being seen as inferior by others, as I fear that they will take advantage of me
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to be respected
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to be seen as respected, since I do not respect myself, I therefore need others to reaffirm the idea that I have created of myself of being respected
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to investigate for myself what actual respect is and redefining it within and as myself and from there developing the redefinition of respect as myself
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to be feared, as I fear others and as I want to be the most feared being, since I see that if people fear you, they give to you their energy and submit to your power, which means that you are then in control of their life
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being ignored, because when I am being ignored, I see myself as not being good enough or worthy of the person’s attention
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being left behind, because when I feel like I am being left behind, I feel like I am not good enough to be a part of whatever is happening
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself within my perception of Anthony
and the character traits that I saw he had that I wanted, such as: strength, compassion, motivation, intelligence, skill, efficiency and dedication – instead of standing equal and one with him and learning from his example

To Be Continued...

Related articles

• Day 23 - My Mother BETRAYED Me
• Day 19 - Thats NOT FAIR!
• Day 211 - I always have a frown part 6
• Day 15 - The Game of Recognition
• Day 133: Managing vs. Correcting My Inner Reality
• Day 12 - Beauty and the Nerd
• Day 187 - Spiritualism and Me - The Broken Character Part 5
• Day 132: How we Bring Personality Traits into Being
• Day 7 - Screaming to be Heard
• Day 230 - Emotions trapped in the Flesh part 3.

Day 23 - My Mother BETRAYED Me

This is a continuation to Day 21 - I lost my Friend, My Brother

I lost someone who is was and always will be more than family, brother, father and friend. He died in October 2011. As far as I know he killed himself. His name was Anthony. The first memory I have of him is from when I was around 10-11 years old. My mother had recently married another man and he was an aggressive, self-absorbed type of man. He had physically hurt me a few times – not as extensively as some who was actually beaten but enough to make me fear and hate men older than me. The memory of Anthony I have is from when he was dating my sister and they had sat me down to talk to me about why I was so scared and aggressive towards him. I told them that I was scared that he was going to hurt me like my step-father did and started crying, so Anthony hugged me and told me that he would never hurt me. Some of the details may be off but this is one of the strongest memories I have of him. I cannot remember how long I had known Anthony before this.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge my step-father as an aggressive, self-absorbed, stubborn, asshole
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my step-father since he was extremely aggressive towards me
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear men that are bigger and more athletic than I am, as I believe them to be stronger than me and as such, able to hurt me
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that people bigger than me are going to and are able to hurt me
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I need to be bigger than everyone so that they cannot hurt me
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into fear and ego when I am around my step-father, as I see myself as less than him because he is an extremely athletic person
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see myself as less than my step-father
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as weak and lazy as I always tried to “weasel” my way out of doing anything athletic when I was younger
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project the belief and presence of being better than athletics and athletic people, since I actually see and believe myself to be less than athletics and athletic people
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear people seeing that I see myself as too weak to participate in athletics
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe and judge that I am too weak to participate in athletics
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to actually create and manifest the physical weakness that I perceived, believed and judged myself to consist of
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be angry at my step-father for ruining the relationship I had with my mother as I saw who she actually was when she started giving over all of her power to him because she felt safe with such a strong man around
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame my step-father for my mother giving her power away and through that, blame him for ruining my relationship with my mother
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to believe that my mother would give herself and her power over to someone else willingly
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see it as a betrayal that my mother gave up and left me for my step-father
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that my mother betrayed me
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be angry at my mother for betraying me
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be angry at my mother for leaving me
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be angry at my mother for revealing to me that she believes herself to be weak and incapable to live on her own, which in turn causes me to see myself as weak and incapable of living on my own
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see my mother as weak and powerless for giving herself over to a man that she married for no other reason than protection and security in life
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that since my mother is weak, incapable of living on her own and looking for a partner that can provide for her, that in turn means that I must do all these things, as I have to follow in my mother’s footsteps, as she is supposed to be a “life model” that I have to follow
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be angry at my mother for damaging my life as I see her as the cause of me following all these ridiculous paths in life
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that my mother damaged my life
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realise that I chose to follow in her footsteps, that I chose my own life paths, that I damaged my life and that I am the one responsible for my choices in life and in who I choose to be

To Be Continued...

Related articles

• Day 167 - I need a Hero.
• Day 19 - Thats NOT FAIR!
• 231. I'm Not like all of the Other Girls
• Day 223 - Resistance to Learn from others.
• Day 209 - I always have a frown Part 4.
• Day 172 - giving Courage to myself.
• Day 75: Relationships, desires and fears
• Day 110: Fear as Quick Fix Parenting Technique
• Day 12 - Beauty and the Nerd
• Day 91: Always Expect the Worst, Like that you won't get Disappointed

Day 3 - Walking Through Resistance

I have been resisting writing about redefining words and as I look at why I realize that the reason I keep coming to a point of completely resisting writing, as Redefining words is what I want to focus on but I cannot find a word to redefine, the point that I realise is that I need to redefine resistance or resisting facing a point.

If I look at how I have been living or existing as my current definition of resistance what I see is:

A point that I see as a waste of my time, useless, pointless to do or face or write about as I do not want to see that whatever point I am looking at exists within and as me as it doesn’t fit into my perception of myself.

The dictionary definition of resistance is:

— n

1. the act or an instance of resisting

2. the capacity to withstand something, esp the body's natural capacity to withstand disease

3. a. Compare reactance R  the opposition to a flow of electric current through a circuit component, medium, or substance. It is the magnitude of the real part of the impedance and is measured in ohms  b. ( as modifier ): resistance coupling ; a resistance thermometer

4. any force that tends to retard or oppose motion: air resistance ; wind resistance

5. (in psychoanalytical theory) the tendency of a person to prevent the translation of repressed thoughts and ideas from the unconscious to the conscious and esp to resist the analyst's attempt to bring this about

6. physics  the magnitude of the real part of the acoustic or mechanical impedance

7. line of least resistance  the easiest, but not necessarily the best or most honourable, course of action

Through sounding out the word the other words that I can hear are:

Tense, stance, cyst, rest, ants

If I look at all the information that I have gathered in terms of the word resistance and how it affects me:

My perception of the word resistance and my relation to this word makes it look to me as a bad word. The reason for this is that me resisting doing something shows me that I need to do what it is that I am resisting as it is a point that I am afraid of or too lazy to do and as I also see myself as better than the point that I am resisting( at least some of the time).

The associations that I have made to the word resistance are:

That the word is bad and that it means that I am lazy and not good enough to walk through the resistance as I am consumed by fear of change and the point that I am resisting would change me if I face or do it

The experience I have in relation to resistance if that I am lazy and that I start feeling ashamed of myself when I avoid walking through the resistance as I am afraid, so whenever I have had the word or form of resistance come up I feel immediately worse and like a huge weight has been put on my shoulders that I did not want as I feel like I am doing enough even though I know it is not true. I also use the word resistance to hide from changing my idea of who I am as I enjoy who I am even though I know who I am at the moment is comprised of fear, shame, guilt and laziness.

Self-Forgiveness:

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see the word resistance as something bad

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become angry at myself for going into resistance towards working through points or writing anything out

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to look at why I am resisting facing a point out of fear

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear resisting a point as it shows me that there points that I have not dealt with

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being seen as someone who cannot work through points, as someone weak and as someone useless

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to limit myself to the point where I go into a complete shutdown instead of dealing with a point

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see what I am doing to myself as a point of distraction and entrapment

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to enjoy the comfort of hiding behind my resistances and fear

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that if I am stuck in a point of resistance that people will see me as less than them

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being seen as less than

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to take it personally when the idea that someone is seeing me as less than me comes up

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become entirely consumed by resistance which is all fear based

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become entirely controlled by fear

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to let fear dictate my every move

If I look at what would best define the word resistance I come up with these possibilities:

A point that is being revealed as something to work on and requires direction as it is affecting myself as who I am as I am allowing myself to go into a reaction even if I do not realize it.

Definition:

Resistance is an experience from the mind that it uses to hold self back from facing whatever point is in front of me.

Resistance can be used as a tool to indicate when I am hiding from or using an excuse to not face a point and therefore an indication that I should push myself and walk through the resistance.

Checking the definition

a.   Is there a polarity in the definition that I have assigned to the word?

Answer: No

b.   Can I stand by this definition of the word eternally?

Answer: Yes

c.   Does the definition that I wrote represent what the word means?

Answer: Yes