Day 59 - Hiding from judgment

In this recording I share about the fear that I go through before making a recording. Enjoy!

Day 45 - Know Thyself, Correct Thyself

6. The realisation that for me to be able to change myself in thought, word and deed to the most effective living being that I can be and become – I first have to ‘know thyself’ and so commit myself to investigate, introspect and understand how I became who I am today, to prepare the road before me into self creation of a responsible, aware, self honest and trustworthy person for myself and so for all

I have come to realise that being consumed by emotion can be nothing but destructive in any given situation. I see that the emotion makes me spit out my backchat and points that I have observed to “attack” the other people in the situation and this is obviously hurtful to the other being and can possibly lead to the end of any relationship.

I practically apply this principle by observing myself in every moment and when I go into reaction I investigate the trigger of this reaction and clear it so that if and when similar situations arise I stop the reaction from coming up so as to see the situation clearly and direct from a stable standing instead of an emotional one.

In situations where I go into reaction I base my reaction off of my perception of certain points including the other person’s body language, their tonality, their words (or what I choose to hear) and my previous experiences.

For example:

When a person asks me for a tool and I tell them where to find it, then realise that I should ask them what they need it for. I ask them why they need it and the answer they give reveals to me that it is something that will damage the tool as it is not designed for it, so I explain to them that it will be damaged and that they should use something else and their reply is that they won’t – even though they do not need to use a tool like that and there are other tools that they could use makes me angry as they assume that they know better than me instead of hearing me on what I am trying to show them. I used to go straight into explosive anger but have now been able to stop myself from becoming angry and as such, I am able to show them that the tool is not right for the job without attacking them for wanting to be superior to me.

I have come to realise that I go into 3 “stages” of anger:

Stage 1: The anger sparks in me and I start trying to suppress it instead of directing myself to stop.

Stage 2: The anger starts to show by me starting to argue with the other person instead of explain the point clearly and hearing what the other person has to say.

Stage 3: I snap and go into what I call the “kicking and screaming” anger and start shouting to prove myself right.

I have been able to – using the practical application of this principle – successfully stop myself from allowing the anger to take hold and push me into stage 2 and 3 more and more as these types of situations come up.

I have realised that I have allowed myself to be consumed by anger more frequently than not and I have realised that it is simply a matter of stopping myself from allowing the anger to take over and directing the point from a stable point whilst considering the other persons position and not following my perception of who is “right or wrong”.

Day 3 - Walking Through Resistance

I have been resisting writing about redefining words and as I look at why I realize that the reason I keep coming to a point of completely resisting writing, as Redefining words is what I want to focus on but I cannot find a word to redefine, the point that I realise is that I need to redefine resistance or resisting facing a point.

If I look at how I have been living or existing as my current definition of resistance what I see is:

A point that I see as a waste of my time, useless, pointless to do or face or write about as I do not want to see that whatever point I am looking at exists within and as me as it doesn’t fit into my perception of myself.

The dictionary definition of resistance is:

— n

1. the act or an instance of resisting

2. the capacity to withstand something, esp the body's natural capacity to withstand disease

3. a. Compare reactance R  the opposition to a flow of electric current through a circuit component, medium, or substance. It is the magnitude of the real part of the impedance and is measured in ohms  b. ( as modifier ): resistance coupling ; a resistance thermometer

4. any force that tends to retard or oppose motion: air resistance ; wind resistance

5. (in psychoanalytical theory) the tendency of a person to prevent the translation of repressed thoughts and ideas from the unconscious to the conscious and esp to resist the analyst's attempt to bring this about

6. physics  the magnitude of the real part of the acoustic or mechanical impedance

7. line of least resistance  the easiest, but not necessarily the best or most honourable, course of action

Through sounding out the word the other words that I can hear are:

Tense, stance, cyst, rest, ants

If I look at all the information that I have gathered in terms of the word resistance and how it affects me:

My perception of the word resistance and my relation to this word makes it look to me as a bad word. The reason for this is that me resisting doing something shows me that I need to do what it is that I am resisting as it is a point that I am afraid of or too lazy to do and as I also see myself as better than the point that I am resisting( at least some of the time).

The associations that I have made to the word resistance are:

That the word is bad and that it means that I am lazy and not good enough to walk through the resistance as I am consumed by fear of change and the point that I am resisting would change me if I face or do it

The experience I have in relation to resistance if that I am lazy and that I start feeling ashamed of myself when I avoid walking through the resistance as I am afraid, so whenever I have had the word or form of resistance come up I feel immediately worse and like a huge weight has been put on my shoulders that I did not want as I feel like I am doing enough even though I know it is not true. I also use the word resistance to hide from changing my idea of who I am as I enjoy who I am even though I know who I am at the moment is comprised of fear, shame, guilt and laziness.

Self-Forgiveness:

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see the word resistance as something bad

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become angry at myself for going into resistance towards working through points or writing anything out

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to look at why I am resisting facing a point out of fear

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear resisting a point as it shows me that there points that I have not dealt with

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being seen as someone who cannot work through points, as someone weak and as someone useless

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to limit myself to the point where I go into a complete shutdown instead of dealing with a point

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see what I am doing to myself as a point of distraction and entrapment

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to enjoy the comfort of hiding behind my resistances and fear

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that if I am stuck in a point of resistance that people will see me as less than them

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being seen as less than

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to take it personally when the idea that someone is seeing me as less than me comes up

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become entirely consumed by resistance which is all fear based

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become entirely controlled by fear

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to let fear dictate my every move

If I look at what would best define the word resistance I come up with these possibilities:

A point that is being revealed as something to work on and requires direction as it is affecting myself as who I am as I am allowing myself to go into a reaction even if I do not realize it.

Definition:

Resistance is an experience from the mind that it uses to hold self back from facing whatever point is in front of me.

Resistance can be used as a tool to indicate when I am hiding from or using an excuse to not face a point and therefore an indication that I should push myself and walk through the resistance.

Checking the definition

a.   Is there a polarity in the definition that I have assigned to the word?

Answer: No

b.   Can I stand by this definition of the word eternally?

Answer: Yes

c.   Does the definition that I wrote represent what the word means?

Answer: Yes

Day 2 - Fear of change

Annoyance with ineffective shop operations

Today I went shopping and on two occasions I got annoyed because of how the shops were being ineffectively run in terms of the cashiers. 

The first time was in a shop called clicks were they have the cashier stations for about 8 cashiers to work at the same time but they only had one cashier operator working and when I got into the line there was a person in front of me and behind me and one being helped by the cashier, which was already quite annoying because they should have at least 2 there at all times otherwise they have a big congestion in their lines, which takes a long time and I don’t like it when I have to wait for no reason. The woman in front of me also happened to be an old lady so, as soon as she walked up to the cashier she started asking these ridiculous questions that she could’ve answered easily by just reading the labels of the product she was looking for. The woman was also very slow in paying for her stuff, when all she had was like two items, but she was slow in taking out her wallet and her card – which was starting to piss me off because I didn’t have time to wait in that shop. As soon as she was done I walked up to the cashier and gave stuff and paid as quick as possible because I had other places to go, but I left the shop annoyed so as I was leaving I was breathing and felt relief as soon as I had left the shop.

The next time it happened it was at a shop called victoria packaging which stocks allot of cheap, effective storage and packaging items. At this shop they only have 2 cashiers stations but they only had one cashier working and their shop is very small and stacked to the point where it is extremely difficult to move around. I was already a little annoyed when I went in because it was hot and this shop doesn’t have any air conditioning and is very packed as I said so it is very cramped with people moving all over the place. I find all the stuff I am looking for and get into the line for the cashier with 2 guys in front of me and 2 guys behind me all waiting to pay – which to me is ridiculous as they should really have more cashiers working since it was so busy. 

The cashier asks the guy that is busy paying what size plant bags he has and he tells her that what he wanted was 15l bags and that the guy that works that section told him that those were the right size, the cashier looks at them and sees that they are the 20l bags, so she shouts from her desk to the guy that helped the customer and asks him to bring the right size for him so we all had to wait while the shop guy found the right size for the customer before he could pay. As soon as that guy was gone it went allot quicker to pay. By the time I had left the shop, the other cashier goes to her station, but the line had almost disappeared so it seemed like too little too late. We were waiting for some of the other guys to finish in the shop, but they were taking long so I went to check on them and saw them at the cashier station. I went and asked if they were having trouble with something and they said that they were accidentally overcharged so the cashier was busy sorting out the problem. 

They told her that it was fine since it wasn’t much money. I also went in to get water to drink and the people asked if the extra could be allocated to paying for the drinks and the cashier said sure and told us what to take to even out the balance, so I got water. I was a little pissed at that situation as the cashier actually fucked up by overcharging but I felt better when it got resolved quickly because of the water evening out the balance. I was very happy to be out of that shop as it is an extremely cramped and hot space.

When reading over my writing I realize that I am continuously blaming the people in the shops for wasting my time and I realize that this in turn reflects unto me, in terms of I am still blaming myself for all the time I wasted when I was younger. Years ago all I did was play computer games, watch tv and sleep. All I was doing was nothing. I would sleep all day then stay awake as long as I could while timing myself, to see if this time was longer than last time. I ignored doing my home-schooling and working on my process and just sat around all day watching shit to pass the time. I was extremely lazy. Within this I see that I am still angry with myself for being lazy and I see that I am now taking out that anger on people that I deem as wasting my time, since all I used to do was waste my time. Even still today sometimes I feel like I am wasting my time because I would do all the things I needed to do but, when I was done with those things I wouldn’t go looking for something else to do I would just do almost nothing.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become annoyed when I perceive shops to be ineffectively operated

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that if I had the chance that I could run the shop better

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be impatient when there is someone ahead of me in a line that is taking longer than I want them to

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to breathe and remain stable, here and patient when there is someone taking longer than me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that the people and cashiers are just trying to waste my time

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that my time is worth more than anyone else’s

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that I have to be patient in such a situation instead of going into the mindset of annoyance and anger

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that me getting annoyed and angry is actually going to make the people work faster

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I have any form of control over what others do

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see and judge old or handicapped people as useless and inefficient and therefore expendable

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see myself as better than the cashiers or shop managers just because I believe that I could do their jobs much better than they can

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge something that I have no practical experience in as easy

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become uncomfortable and annoyed when I get hot and am standing in a cramped area

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge a cramped room/building as lazy and disorganized

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame others for wasting my time when I was actually blaming myself for wasting time

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use blaming other people as a way to hide from facing this point

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be lazy and not look for things to do

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to justify being lazy to make myself feel better

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hide behind justifications and excuses

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that blaming myself and others will not allow me to work with the point of being lazy or wasting time

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that wasting time and being lazy is an offence to life and creation

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that I need to push myself to do more for life

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to resist pushing myself to do more for life

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be angry at myself for wasting time

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to let go of the anger and the guilt and the blame

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that me taking out my anger on other people will help me work through my anger

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress my anger to the point where when it comes out it comes out in the form of aggression towards other beings

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold onto points long past instead of letting them go and moving forward

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to forgive myself for what I have done and let go of the point and the anger and move forward instead of allowing myself to become trapped in a loop of past events

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that holding a grudge like that against myself will not only hurt me but might come to the point of hurting those around me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to postpone writing this post out of fear of discussing this point

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be afraid of revealing points to those around me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be afraid of facing this point as it has defined almost half of my life

I realize that me blaming others is a way to hide the fact that I am angry with myself

When and as I see myself getting angry with someone I stop, I breathe, I realize that I am projecting my anger towards myself onto those around me, I stop projecting my anger and when I have a moment I investigate how what I see in the other is a reflection of what exists in me

I commit myself to stop projecting my anger onto others

I commit myself to investigating where and why the anger came up and how what I saw triggered the reaction of anger within myself and how what I saw in that being is a reflection of myself

I realize that allowing myself to be scared of revealing points and facing the point of wasting time is ridiculous as I am using the fear as a way to hide from change

When and as I see myself going into fear in terms of facing the point of laziness and fear of change I stop, I breathe, I stop the ranting in my mind and I realize that I can never lose myself no matter what changes

I realize that me fearing change is just my minds way of holding me back and keeping me stuck in the same time-loops

When and as I see myself going into anxiety in terms of changing myself I realize that it is just my mind holding me back and I realize that even if all the worst case scenarios that are flashing through my head where to come true, I could never lose myself no matter how bad it got

I commit myself to not allow my mind to hold me back using fear

I realize that allowing myself to be controlled by my mind is just a way to hide from myself behind a big shield

I realize that allowing myself to hide from myself behind a big shield is completely ridiculous and will only cause suffering for me and those around me

When and as I see myself “taking out the big shield” I stop, I breathe and I let go and allow myself to participate as an equal in sharing and expressing myself openly

I commit myself to allowing myself to participate as an equal in sharing and expressing myself openly