Day 5 - Stuttering

I have recently realized that I need to look at my communication with people as I tend to ramble and stutter instead of speaking clearly and directly and get my point across without confusing people and getting annoyed with them for not understanding me as if it is their fault.

When looking at the point I realise that I do it out of nervousness and fear of being misunderstood or getting into a fight over miscommunication that I will blame on the other person to give me a reason to be angry at them.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame others for what I see in them that I am actually projecting onto them
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project onto others the points that I have been suppressing
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to hide my fear with anger
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use blaming others as a way to hide form myself
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be afraid of speaking to other people
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into nervousness and fear when speaking to other people
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being misunderstood when speaking to other people
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to start rambling and stuttering out of fear of being misunderstood

I commit myself to stopping myself from going into fear when the concept of speaking to other people comes up
I commit myself to stop myself when I see myself start rambling and stuttering, breathe and slow myself down and choose my words specifically without being afraid of being misunderstood
I commit myself to stopping myself from blaming others when I start rambling or stuttering and realize that I am actually angry at myself for allowing myself to make a fool of myself and let go of my anger towards myself
I commit myself to not allowing myself to project my anger towards myself unto other people

Day 4- The Game of Taxes

If you have any experience in playing computer games, where you have to construct and maintain a civilisation with taxes and food and so on, then you will easily be able to see what I am talking about, otherwise I will try to explain this as best as I can.

In the game I am currently playing (when I have free time) I have to build a small city with people and fulfil their needs and desire to keep them happy otherwise they go on riots and I lose the mission. For each level of civilisation I have to fulfil different needs, for example – the first level of civilisation requires food and community, the second level requires the same as the previous level plus cloth and a chapel, the third level requires the same as the previous level plus alcohol, tobacco and education, and so on – you get the idea.

Apart from keeping the people happy through fulfilling their needs and desires (which takes money), these are the responsibilities you have as the ‘ruler’ of the game:

• Building houses for the people (which takes money)
• Build ships (which takes money)
• Build harbours, shipyards (which takes money)
• Build roads (which takes money)
• Build lumberjack facilities (which takes money)
• Build warehouses (which takes money)
• Set up food supply infrastructure (which takes money)
• Set up mining facilities to supply you with resource (which takes money)
• Maintain infrastructure, ships and soldiers (which takes money)

The best way to get money is through raising taxes that people have to pay. The trick is to keep the tax rate high enough so that you have sufficient money to cover all your costs yet keeping it low enough to not anger the people and prevent a revolt. So – to get more money, get more people – but more people means higher costs. As the ‘ruler’ of the game you’re thus constantly having to find a balance in making sure everyone is happy and you have enough money to fulfil your responsibilities and complete your mission. 

The thing that is so interesting about this game and games like this (and there are many) is the fact that the people revolt if their needs are not met and the tax rate goes too high. If, as I assume, the game designers are trying to imitate the world as it is now, they failed, badly. If you look at the world today all the government does is raise taxes and ignore about 90% of the people in this world’s needs, meaning that most of the world is suffering from either starvation or just really disgusting living conditions where they are forced to work shit jobs for almost no money and the price of basic living goes ever higher while the wages stay low, or in some cases get lower or become non-existent. 

In a game the people would have revolted and slaughtered everyone that stands in a position of power that allowed this world to turn into the shithole that it currently exists as, but in the real world do people actually do anything at all? The answer for the most part is no, people talk about changing the world but almost nothing ever happens. The reasons why people don’t stand up and say no are out of fear, for example – the fear of failure, the fear of not getting paid or losing their job and therefore not being able to survive, the fear of losing whatever wealth they had accumulated in their lives, the fear of insubordination and so-on. Then you also have the idea of not being able to change anything anyway, the idea of being too insignificant and weak to change anything – and if people do overcome their fears and ideas and gather on the streets, the police/military would be waiting for them with guns and water-cannons.

If you really look at it – who turned the world into this? Who allowed the rich and the powerful to do whatever they want so as to maintain their power and wealth? Guess. Ask yourself how it is that the rich and the powerful consist of about 1% of the population and the ones who give them their power is us, the ones who suffer in the trenches or in the office cubicle or in the desert or in the barren fields that have been stripped clean. We give them the ability to do all this because we are scared of saying no.

Ask yourself if this is the world you would like to leave to your children.

Ask yourself if this is the world you want to live in.

If the answer is no then support the people pushing for an equal money system as that is the last and only true answer available to correct what we have allowed to be created around us.

There are billions of people in this world and when enough of them stand together and say no the world will change. There is nothing the minuscule 1% can do if the 99% stand together.

Standing together doesn’t mean that you have to gather on the streets and start a revolt by force, real change comes through re-education and a joint understanding. What we propose will take time but what you have to decide is whether or not you are willing to stand together and turn this world into a place we actually want to live in and are proud to leave to our children.

Make your choice.

Here are the links of the websites dedicated to an equal money system and where the people who have made a choice are busy working on how to implement it no matter how long it takes.

http://equalmoney.org/

Day 3 - Walking Through Resistance

I have been resisting writing about redefining words and as I look at why I realize that the reason I keep coming to a point of completely resisting writing, as Redefining words is what I want to focus on but I cannot find a word to redefine, the point that I realise is that I need to redefine resistance or resisting facing a point.

If I look at how I have been living or existing as my current definition of resistance what I see is:

A point that I see as a waste of my time, useless, pointless to do or face or write about as I do not want to see that whatever point I am looking at exists within and as me as it doesn’t fit into my perception of myself.

The dictionary definition of resistance is:

— n

1. the act or an instance of resisting

2. the capacity to withstand something, esp the body's natural capacity to withstand disease

3. a. Compare reactance R  the opposition to a flow of electric current through a circuit component, medium, or substance. It is the magnitude of the real part of the impedance and is measured in ohms  b. ( as modifier ): resistance coupling ; a resistance thermometer

4. any force that tends to retard or oppose motion: air resistance ; wind resistance

5. (in psychoanalytical theory) the tendency of a person to prevent the translation of repressed thoughts and ideas from the unconscious to the conscious and esp to resist the analyst's attempt to bring this about

6. physics  the magnitude of the real part of the acoustic or mechanical impedance

7. line of least resistance  the easiest, but not necessarily the best or most honourable, course of action

Through sounding out the word the other words that I can hear are:

Tense, stance, cyst, rest, ants

If I look at all the information that I have gathered in terms of the word resistance and how it affects me:

My perception of the word resistance and my relation to this word makes it look to me as a bad word. The reason for this is that me resisting doing something shows me that I need to do what it is that I am resisting as it is a point that I am afraid of or too lazy to do and as I also see myself as better than the point that I am resisting( at least some of the time).

The associations that I have made to the word resistance are:

That the word is bad and that it means that I am lazy and not good enough to walk through the resistance as I am consumed by fear of change and the point that I am resisting would change me if I face or do it

The experience I have in relation to resistance if that I am lazy and that I start feeling ashamed of myself when I avoid walking through the resistance as I am afraid, so whenever I have had the word or form of resistance come up I feel immediately worse and like a huge weight has been put on my shoulders that I did not want as I feel like I am doing enough even though I know it is not true. I also use the word resistance to hide from changing my idea of who I am as I enjoy who I am even though I know who I am at the moment is comprised of fear, shame, guilt and laziness.

Self-Forgiveness:

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see the word resistance as something bad

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become angry at myself for going into resistance towards working through points or writing anything out

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to look at why I am resisting facing a point out of fear

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear resisting a point as it shows me that there points that I have not dealt with

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being seen as someone who cannot work through points, as someone weak and as someone useless

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to limit myself to the point where I go into a complete shutdown instead of dealing with a point

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see what I am doing to myself as a point of distraction and entrapment

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to enjoy the comfort of hiding behind my resistances and fear

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that if I am stuck in a point of resistance that people will see me as less than them

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being seen as less than

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to take it personally when the idea that someone is seeing me as less than me comes up

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become entirely consumed by resistance which is all fear based

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become entirely controlled by fear

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to let fear dictate my every move

If I look at what would best define the word resistance I come up with these possibilities:

A point that is being revealed as something to work on and requires direction as it is affecting myself as who I am as I am allowing myself to go into a reaction even if I do not realize it.

Definition:

Resistance is an experience from the mind that it uses to hold self back from facing whatever point is in front of me.

Resistance can be used as a tool to indicate when I am hiding from or using an excuse to not face a point and therefore an indication that I should push myself and walk through the resistance.

Checking the definition

a.   Is there a polarity in the definition that I have assigned to the word?

Answer: No

b.   Can I stand by this definition of the word eternally?

Answer: Yes

c.   Does the definition that I wrote represent what the word means?

Answer: Yes

Day 2 - Fear of change

Annoyance with ineffective shop operations

Today I went shopping and on two occasions I got annoyed because of how the shops were being ineffectively run in terms of the cashiers. 

The first time was in a shop called clicks were they have the cashier stations for about 8 cashiers to work at the same time but they only had one cashier operator working and when I got into the line there was a person in front of me and behind me and one being helped by the cashier, which was already quite annoying because they should have at least 2 there at all times otherwise they have a big congestion in their lines, which takes a long time and I don’t like it when I have to wait for no reason. The woman in front of me also happened to be an old lady so, as soon as she walked up to the cashier she started asking these ridiculous questions that she could’ve answered easily by just reading the labels of the product she was looking for. The woman was also very slow in paying for her stuff, when all she had was like two items, but she was slow in taking out her wallet and her card – which was starting to piss me off because I didn’t have time to wait in that shop. As soon as she was done I walked up to the cashier and gave stuff and paid as quick as possible because I had other places to go, but I left the shop annoyed so as I was leaving I was breathing and felt relief as soon as I had left the shop.

The next time it happened it was at a shop called victoria packaging which stocks allot of cheap, effective storage and packaging items. At this shop they only have 2 cashiers stations but they only had one cashier working and their shop is very small and stacked to the point where it is extremely difficult to move around. I was already a little annoyed when I went in because it was hot and this shop doesn’t have any air conditioning and is very packed as I said so it is very cramped with people moving all over the place. I find all the stuff I am looking for and get into the line for the cashier with 2 guys in front of me and 2 guys behind me all waiting to pay – which to me is ridiculous as they should really have more cashiers working since it was so busy. 

The cashier asks the guy that is busy paying what size plant bags he has and he tells her that what he wanted was 15l bags and that the guy that works that section told him that those were the right size, the cashier looks at them and sees that they are the 20l bags, so she shouts from her desk to the guy that helped the customer and asks him to bring the right size for him so we all had to wait while the shop guy found the right size for the customer before he could pay. As soon as that guy was gone it went allot quicker to pay. By the time I had left the shop, the other cashier goes to her station, but the line had almost disappeared so it seemed like too little too late. We were waiting for some of the other guys to finish in the shop, but they were taking long so I went to check on them and saw them at the cashier station. I went and asked if they were having trouble with something and they said that they were accidentally overcharged so the cashier was busy sorting out the problem. 

They told her that it was fine since it wasn’t much money. I also went in to get water to drink and the people asked if the extra could be allocated to paying for the drinks and the cashier said sure and told us what to take to even out the balance, so I got water. I was a little pissed at that situation as the cashier actually fucked up by overcharging but I felt better when it got resolved quickly because of the water evening out the balance. I was very happy to be out of that shop as it is an extremely cramped and hot space.

When reading over my writing I realize that I am continuously blaming the people in the shops for wasting my time and I realize that this in turn reflects unto me, in terms of I am still blaming myself for all the time I wasted when I was younger. Years ago all I did was play computer games, watch tv and sleep. All I was doing was nothing. I would sleep all day then stay awake as long as I could while timing myself, to see if this time was longer than last time. I ignored doing my home-schooling and working on my process and just sat around all day watching shit to pass the time. I was extremely lazy. Within this I see that I am still angry with myself for being lazy and I see that I am now taking out that anger on people that I deem as wasting my time, since all I used to do was waste my time. Even still today sometimes I feel like I am wasting my time because I would do all the things I needed to do but, when I was done with those things I wouldn’t go looking for something else to do I would just do almost nothing.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become annoyed when I perceive shops to be ineffectively operated

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that if I had the chance that I could run the shop better

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be impatient when there is someone ahead of me in a line that is taking longer than I want them to

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to breathe and remain stable, here and patient when there is someone taking longer than me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that the people and cashiers are just trying to waste my time

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that my time is worth more than anyone else’s

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that I have to be patient in such a situation instead of going into the mindset of annoyance and anger

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that me getting annoyed and angry is actually going to make the people work faster

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I have any form of control over what others do

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see and judge old or handicapped people as useless and inefficient and therefore expendable

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see myself as better than the cashiers or shop managers just because I believe that I could do their jobs much better than they can

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge something that I have no practical experience in as easy

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become uncomfortable and annoyed when I get hot and am standing in a cramped area

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge a cramped room/building as lazy and disorganized

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame others for wasting my time when I was actually blaming myself for wasting time

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use blaming other people as a way to hide from facing this point

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be lazy and not look for things to do

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to justify being lazy to make myself feel better

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hide behind justifications and excuses

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that blaming myself and others will not allow me to work with the point of being lazy or wasting time

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that wasting time and being lazy is an offence to life and creation

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that I need to push myself to do more for life

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to resist pushing myself to do more for life

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be angry at myself for wasting time

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to let go of the anger and the guilt and the blame

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that me taking out my anger on other people will help me work through my anger

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress my anger to the point where when it comes out it comes out in the form of aggression towards other beings

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold onto points long past instead of letting them go and moving forward

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to forgive myself for what I have done and let go of the point and the anger and move forward instead of allowing myself to become trapped in a loop of past events

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that holding a grudge like that against myself will not only hurt me but might come to the point of hurting those around me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to postpone writing this post out of fear of discussing this point

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be afraid of revealing points to those around me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be afraid of facing this point as it has defined almost half of my life

I realize that me blaming others is a way to hide the fact that I am angry with myself

When and as I see myself getting angry with someone I stop, I breathe, I realize that I am projecting my anger towards myself onto those around me, I stop projecting my anger and when I have a moment I investigate how what I see in the other is a reflection of what exists in me

I commit myself to stop projecting my anger onto others

I commit myself to investigating where and why the anger came up and how what I saw triggered the reaction of anger within myself and how what I saw in that being is a reflection of myself

I realize that allowing myself to be scared of revealing points and facing the point of wasting time is ridiculous as I am using the fear as a way to hide from change

When and as I see myself going into fear in terms of facing the point of laziness and fear of change I stop, I breathe, I stop the ranting in my mind and I realize that I can never lose myself no matter what changes

I realize that me fearing change is just my minds way of holding me back and keeping me stuck in the same time-loops

When and as I see myself going into anxiety in terms of changing myself I realize that it is just my mind holding me back and I realize that even if all the worst case scenarios that are flashing through my head where to come true, I could never lose myself no matter how bad it got

I commit myself to not allow my mind to hold me back using fear

I realize that allowing myself to be controlled by my mind is just a way to hide from myself behind a big shield

I realize that allowing myself to hide from myself behind a big shield is completely ridiculous and will only cause suffering for me and those around me

When and as I see myself “taking out the big shield” I stop, I breathe and I let go and allow myself to participate as an equal in sharing and expressing myself openly

I commit myself to allowing myself to participate as an equal in sharing and expressing myself openly

Day 1 - Fear of Loss

Day 1 - Fear of Loss

Bumi Ran into the Barbecue

A few days ago Bumi me and Maite’s dog ran into the weber by accident, and I saw her run into and heard her squeal. I got angry because she can hurt her hips and get hip dysplasia which can be extremely dangerous as it is difficult to correct or more likely lead to us having to put her down which I really don’t want to have to do. Bumi has hurt her hip before by running in the house and slipping on the floor which caused her to limp for almost two weeks, when she was younger which scared me a lot.

Well I got angry when she ran into the weber because I was scared of her hurting herself badly and making me have to put her down and I don’t want to lose her. I was also angry because I told her to be more careful and she didn’t listen to me. I had a dog when I was younger that I had to put down because she was old but, in reality she lived longer then she should’ve because I pushed her out of fear of losing her. The year before Blackie died I found a bump on her chest and we took her to the vet and found out that it was a tumor and that we might have to put her down, but they ran tests and were able to surgically remove the tumor. I was so scared of losing her that I was crying a lot and was trying to help her as much as I could by trying to heal the tumor. I was also begging her not to die because I didn’t know if I would be able to survive losing her. The week she died I couldn’t find her and went looking for her around our house and found her close to the bottom of the garden where she was lying down and I tried to call her to get her to walk with me back to the house but she treid and couldn’t get up so I had to pick her up and carry her back up to the house. I also saw that her shit was black and when I spoke to Bernard he said that it was enough, that I had put her through enough pain and that it was time to put her down. We decided to take her to the vet the next day since it was late and when Cerise asked me if I wanted to come with I said no. I said no. I told them not to wake me up but just to take her and go. I set up a bed for her next to me so that she could sleep with me one last time. I couldn’t get to sleep for a long time. When I woke up she was gone and her collar was lying on my desk. I was so angry with myself for not going and I was angry with her for leaving me. I couldn’t bear to throw the collar away so I kept it and I wore it for almost a month at all times. I would shower with it and sleep with it and I would cry every night. I can’t do that again. I loved her but I neglected her when all she did was help me t the point where I killed her because I wasn’t changing Because I failed she killed herself to try and make me move to allow me to move on. My selfishness killed her, my guilt killed her I killed her. She was everything to me and I killed her and I wasn’t even strong enough to go to the vet with her I was too much of a coward I was too weak. I will not allow myself to do that ever again I will not forget what she did for me I will not forget her and I will never Forgive myself for allowing myself to do that to a being that loved and supported me unconditionally. I went through putting Blackie down which was and is and always will be the most difficult thing that I have ever done and I don’t want to have to go through it again with Bumi because I’m scared that I will not be strong enough to help her through it and that I will not be strong enough to live through the pain of losing her.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I cannot am unable to and are not allowed to forgive myself for pushing Blackie to the point where she had to die to make me move.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to forgive myself for pushing Blackie to die

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to force myself into an endless cycle of pain, misery and guilt to ‘make up’ for pushing Blackie to suffer for years for me

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to let go of and move past the guilt of pushing Blackie to suffer and die for me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that Blackie would not be able to forgive me so that I could continue the cycle

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I have to punish myself for all eternity to redeem myself for pushing Blackie to suffer and die for me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I forced Blackie to take on my points and suffer for me instead of realizing that she chose to assist and support for as long as I required it even to the point of killing herself so that I could move forward

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to postpone forgiving myself out of fear of losing her and out of fear of losing everything that I believe makes me who I am

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I can never move forward from this point because it would destroy everything Blackie did for me instead of realizing that moving past this point was the reason she chose to remove herself

 I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to let go of being angry at myself and in turn all of existence

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that if I spread my angry out onto everything else that it would make my anger towards myself diminish

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that I have to forgive myself for what I believe I did so as to move on

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use my guilt as a shield or mask so as not to allow myself to face who I am

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to face myself in relation to all that I have done in Blackie’s name and realize that what I am doing is actually coming from a point of guilt instead of what is best for all

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that hiding in my private little safe is what is best for all instead of realizing that it is only a way to hide myself from existence safe and secure instead of devoting myself fully to what is best for all

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am not allowed to face this point as it would destroy everything that I am

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to allow my mind and systems to try to stop me from facing this point

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that writing out sf wouldn’t change anything about me and my life

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see myself as weak and cowardly

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself according to what I did and who I was

I realize that I did not kill Blackie, she chose to die to assist and support me in moving forward

I realize that taking out my anger on everything and everyone around me is pointless and only hurts existence and myself

I realize that I have to allow myself to forgive myself so as to move past this point as it still holding me back because I am too scared to move past it

I realize that being scared of facing myself is my minds way of stopping me from assisting and supporting myself and all of existence

I realize that being afraid of losing Bumi or anything will create a situation where I must face the point or lose the thing that I am afraid of losing to push me to walk through the fear

I realize that allowing my mind to dictate that I need to go into a specific reactive state such as fear is complete and utter bullshit and only limits who I am and what I am capable of achieving in terms of what is best for all

I realize that when I allow myself to get emotional whenever I remember Blackie, that all I am doing is trapping myself in an endless loop of guilt and anger towards myself, which is totally unacceptable

I realize that I should not look at the memory of Blackie in regret, as that invalidates everything she did for me

I realize that allowing myself to see Blackie dying as my fault, all I am doing is creating a “safe place to hide” in an endless loop of guilt and anger, never allowing myself to move forward

I realize that I must allow myself to let go of Blackie and the idea that her death was my fault

When and as I see myself going into the pattern of “I killed Blackie and deserve to be punished and I must therefore take out my anger and self-pity on those around me to make me feel better” I instead stop breathe and realize that I am going into a loop of guilt and anger, I then stop myself from allowing myself to go into the loop that I have been trapped in and I move on

When and as I see myself going into a reactive state when I see Bumi or other dogs hurt themselves, instead of going into anger and fear, I stop and breathe and I realize that I am going into fear, I let go of the fear and instead go check on the dog and help in any way to prevent that situation from happening again, for instance move the weber out of reach of the dogs “play-zone”

When and as I see myself go into fear of facing myself and hiding from myself I realize that it is just a fear that I have created to stop myself from leaving my “safety net” – instead I stop, breathe and push myself to let go of the fear and move through the desire to hide in my “safety net” I then face myself in whatever point I am dealing with in the moment