Day 15 - The Game of Recognition

I have been looking at one of the main reasons I enjoy playing games, which is the ego boost I get when I win. What I mean by games is pretty much anything that you do in a day. I mean, you can whatever you are doing into a competition. For example : If you are working, you make it a competition to work faster, harder and better than the other person or if you are talking to lots of people you can make it a competition to speak louder, more often and have the most response from the people you are talking to. I realise when looking at this point that I am coming from a point of fear and desire - Desire for recognition and fear of not getting it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire recognition
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear not getting the recognition I believe I deserve
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I deserve recognition
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am better than people who cannot do what I do as well as I can – no matter what it is
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being inferior to other people especially when I see that they can do anything even slightly better than I can – no matter what it is
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to expect and believe that I am better than anyone with anything given the chance to learn
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that If I learned the same skill that I see In another, that I would be able to do it better than and learn it faster than the other person
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel envious about any skill that another has that I don’t
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel guilty that I don’t already possess that skill or never allowed myself to finish learning it
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that I am not useful enough or valuable enough for what we are doing
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see myself as unworthy of life
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see myself as unworthy of process
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see and experience as unworthy in all forms
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear not being able to make myself worthy
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see it as necessary to find some way so as to prove my worth to those around me and especially to myself
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear not living up to the expectations that I perceive are part of who I should be
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see myself as a failure
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being seen in the same way as I see myself, as that would mean that I would have to see myself in their eyes
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear looking at myself, as I believe that that would mean I would have to look at and see who I should and how I should’ve lived my live
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel guilty for living my life in such an irresponsible and selfish way
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel ashamed of my life and how much more difficult I have made my own life out of ignorant and selfish choices
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself according to my past instead of who I choose to be
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to forgive and let go of my past
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear letting go of my past because I believe that if I do I will make the same mistakes of the past
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realise that through holding onto my past I am actually keeping the same cycle of mistakes running
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to regret my life choices
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that need i recognition so as to motivate me into doing anything
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to justify not finishing what I started if I do not get the recognition I believe I deserve
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to spite others out of anger at myself for needing them to motivate myself
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I cannot motivate myself into doing anything

Day 14 - Group Gaming SF

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear losing the relationships I have developed with people
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being alone
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being left out and ignored
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to push myself into others interactions with one another out of fear of being left out
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to try to hold onto and create groups of friends so as to not be alone
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see myself as the person responsible for pushing people away by trying to hold onto them
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to strive to recreate desirable energy and feelings
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see myself as a frustrating child
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to manipulate others into spending time with me

When and as I see myself looking for attention I stop, breathe and I realise that I am looking for attention out of fear of being alone. I commit myself to stop the fear and direct myself to give myself a purpose in that moment
When and as I see myself trying to force a situation of fun I stop, breathe and I realise that I am holding onto memories to tell me what having fun means. I commit myself to let go of the memories and simply be here, so that I can be open to different experiences and expressions of fun

Day 13 - Group Gaming

A few years ago me and some of my friends used to get together on weekends to play some networked games. In the beginning of our gaming “phase” we would start gaming on Saturday mornings all day and sometimes all through the night into Sunday mornings, and during these times we would take short bathroom breaks and food or coffee breaks, but otherwise we would be playing whatever we would want to play. It was a lot of fun, to say the least.

After a while of doing this, most of the people in our little group started getting tired of doing it so often and so long so they would leave earlier or not be really willing to play, which made me feel disappointed and also feel as if it was my fault as I would always try to push them to play longer or try to have as much fun as we used to have, in other words I tried my best to force enjoyment and socialization upon the people around me which I only realise now would probably have contributed to them being more reluctant to play as I would act like an annoying little child which would’ve frustrated them.

I was the youngest of the group so I was seen and treated like a child which I did not enjoy but I endured it because I saw the gaming point as the only way to connect and form relationships with the people in the group – as they were a lot older than me - so I tried to hold onto the point of group gaming for as long as I could and through doing that I inadvertently contributed to the eventual discontinuance of the regular gaming events and it turned into a fairly rare occasion. I would still play with one or two of them at a time but it wouldn’t have the same energy and feeling of a group playing a game and enjoying themselves together.

To Be Continued…

Day 12 - Beauty and the Nerd

A few years ago I went with some friends to a local computer networking game at a big warehouse where there was at least two hundred guys playing games like Quake 3, Warcraft 3 and others. The one person in our group was a pretty girl so as we entered the warehouse almost all the guys looked up at her with looks of pure amazement on their faces like – OH MY GOD It’s a GIRL!!!!!! Lol . It’s interesting that just because of the fact that you enjoy computers or computer games you believe that you cannot even speak to a girl or consider a relationship.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that because I enjoy computers I cannot have a relationship
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear having computers be in the way of a relationship
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that, since society displays anyone with computer knowledge as a socially unacceptable person known as a nerd
I forgive myself for acceptable and allowing myself to fear being seen or defined as a nerd
I forgive myself for acceptable and allowing myself to define anyone with computer knowledge and gaming skills as a nerd
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be angry at myself for allowing myself to be defined as a nerd
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that being a nerd is a “bad” thing
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that if I am seen as a nerd it will “damage my reputation” and limit my communication with people as they will see and define me as less than them
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being seen as less than anyone else
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being unable to get my point across since people won’t be able to take me seriously as they have defined me as less than by being a nerd
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear not being taken seriously when speaking to people
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see and define a nerd as less than me
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I need to be seen as more than “just a nerd”
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear damaging my reputation – which is in fact my ego
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear damaging my ego
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that people that see me as a nerd will be able to take advantage of me because I will become a nerd to please them as an alternative to damaging my ego and idea of self-importance
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that if I do not live up to the expectations of being a nerd to the people that already see me as a nerd, that I will be less than a nerd which will mean to me that I am not even a nerd to them so then I will have nothing and be useless
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that if I have no self-belief of importance at any level that I will be nothing and that I will be useless
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being seen as nothing
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being seen as useless at any level
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for believing that if I have no use that I will have no purpose and will have no way of assisting others which will therefore make me completely redundant and expendable
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being seen as redundant and expendable
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being defined as purposeless
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear having no way to prove how useful I am
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear having people be disappointed in me
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project my fear onto others so that I can use them as an excuse to hide from facing the real point which is that fact that I perceive myself as useless
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing to see and define myself as useless
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being seen as useless
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear losing my idea/believe of self-importance
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe the idea that I am important
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that without the secure belief of self-importance

When and as I see myself entering the nerd character I stop, breathe and I realise that I am going into the self-programmed definition of being a nerd and thus limiting who I am, how I see myself, what I can do and who I can be. I commit myself to stop defining myself as the self-programmed, self-defined definition of being a nerd just because I have knowledge about computers and I commit myself to stop defining others as nerds just because they have knowledge about computers

When and as I see myself going into the fear of losing self-importance I stop, breathe and I realise that this is just me trying to defend my self-proclaimed definition of honour. I commit myself to stop defining my self-importance in terms of how other people see me and to simply apply my skills in a way that is best for all

Day 11 - Telling Stories

I have recently been made aware of a point that I never considered as a point, but I have realised that it stands as a point of contention between me and those around me as it is socially “undesirable” – so to speak, lol. The point is that I seem to repeat stories that I have told many times, but the interesting point is that I am completely unaware of the fact that I am repeating stories. If I look at the point, I realise that the point is based on a desire for attention and that is the point that I will be writing forgiveness on.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be consumed by the desire for attention out of fear of being forgotten
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realise that the point of me retelling stories that I have already told is a desire for attention
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that without the attention of others I would not fulfil my desire of being important
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I need to be important
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being forgotten
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being ignored
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to be noticed and recognised
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being defined as socially unacceptable
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being seen as awkward and weird
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am socially unacceptable

When and as I see myself starting to tell a story I stop and I commit myself to ask if I have told the story before and not telling it again if the people say yes

When and as I see myself going into the desire for attention I stop, breathe and I realise that the desire is based on fear. I commit myself to bring myself back into my body and stabilise myself without allowing myself to be consumed by fear

Day 10 - Driving Scared Part 2

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge the K53 defensive driving system as stupid and ridiculous
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be influenced by a system of education that is based solely on fear instead of assertiveness and common sense
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be angry at myself for being influenced by the K53 defensive driving system
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that the only way to pass the driving test is to allow myself to be influenced by the K53 defensive driving system
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that it is necessary to compromise myself so as to pass tests and show to the system that I am capable of doing whatever the test is related to
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realise that I can pass the test without being influenced by the starting point of fear that they are trying to program into people with the current driving system that is required to pass the test
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realise that it is only necessary to drive the way they want me to drive so as to pass the test and as soon as I pass I can drive in common sense without having to show the people next to me that I am watching the roads
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be influenced by a system that has been created as a way to instil fear and create car crashes so as to provide money for the system
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to expect to crash a car in my life as though it is inevitable
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realise that through expecting myself to get into a car crash I am actually creating a car crash scenario in my life so as to get over the self-perpetuated anticipation of a car crash
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be angry at myself for participating in the expectation of a car crash and thus, creating it
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realise that I have allowed myself to be influenced by the current driving education system
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be afraid of getting into a car crash
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be afraid of dying or getting hurt in a car crash
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be afraid of hurting those around me in a car crash

When and as I see myself going into fear of getting into a car crash or getting hurt in a car crash or hurting those around me in a car crash I stop, breathe and let go of the fear. I realise that that fear of a car crash is a point that I have created so as not to face the point of driving so that I never have to face the fear of a car crash and I commit myself to pushing myself through the fear of driving and stick to the practical physical actions of driving

When and as I see myself allowing myself to be influenced by the current driving education system I stop, breathe and I realise that I am allowing myself to be influenced by the system out of fear of failure. I commit myself to walk through the current system the best way that I can and once I am able to, do what I can to change the current driving education system so that it trains people to be assertive and considerate drivers, instead of fearful and self-centred drivers

Day 9 - Driving Scared - Writing only

On my last driving lesson I drove in town for an hour with the instructor taking me along the path that I will drive on my test day so that I will be “used to it” when I do my test. During my lesson the one point that I had to remember while driving was to check every road that connected to the road that I was busy driving on. While I was driving I had to slightly turn my head to every intersection that I drove through while I was driving to show the instructor that I was checking. Meaning that while I drove I had to turn my head so that the instructor could see and keep an eye on the road all at the same time, quite unnerving to say the least, I mean I have to watch the road while making sure that the instructor sees that I am checking the roads! I check the roads the roads as I drive but the showing the person next to you while in traffic thing is really freaking scaring!!!