Recently we have been quite busy on the farm with Bernard
passing so suddenly and we had contractors that just finished the new parrot
aviary and porch and the fact that Leila’s kid is going to come soon , we have
had to deal with all of these things happening and also carry on preparing all
the points for the baby. I feel like it is a weight that isn’t getting much
lighter. The workload seems to get bigger and bigger, it looks like we might
not get to do everything as soon as we had planned. I don’t like having to
shove things together and try to do or manage 10 things at once; I prefer
having to focus on one point at a time.
I realize that this is actually quite a cool test to see how
I and we do under excessive amounts of pressure, and I for one have been
pushing hard to get as much done in the short amount of time we have available
to us to the point of my body getting the flu just to make me realize that I have
to slow down. From the day after Bernard died I was off of the farm 5 out of 7
days, either sorting things out or doing shopping for the contractor or food
shopping and the one day I actually had to go into town, come back and go back
into town again!
The one night I just started feeling sickish and the next
day woke up sick – I was only sick for about 3 days really – and when I felt
how badly my body felt I realized that I had pushed myself too hard and not
considered that I had gone through a massive shock – physically and otherwise.
I accepted in that moment that I would push myself as much as I could but, that
it is impractical to be uselessly sick for days because of pushing too hard. Unfortunately
this means that I am not superman:).
I can only do so much before my body gives out and requires rest. My point with
sharing this is that keeping myself busy so as not too focus too much on the
point of Bernard is useful to be able to focus on what needs to be done day by
day but, that this can only work if I allow myself some time to adjust and
align myself with what must be done next. I mainly focused on keeping myself
stable and assisting other people as much as possible or working on the farm so
as to focus on avoiding to look at what Bernard’s death meant for me and how I
needed to move forward after he had died.
I have seen today that I still have the tendency of trying
to rush through points without considering all of the factors involved and that
I am trying to make myself move faster though the workload without considering
that it is more practical to look at points in their entirety instead of
skipping through the basics as if I know better.
I realize that all of these points culminate in the point of
me not focusing on my breathing but rather allowing myself to be consumed by
the desire to prove myself as worthy by pushing myself beyond common sense
practicality and into simple, distracting ego.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use
ego as a distraction and as a way to not focus on breath
I commit myself to when and as I see myself going into ego
or trying to distract myself with workloads and time limits – I stop, breathe
and look at the problem facing me with practical common sense
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be
overwhelm by the amount of work there is to be done and therefore utilising
this as an excuse to get out of the work thinking it will just go away
I commit myself to when and as I go into fear and anxiety
about how high my workload is – I stop, breathe and focus on one point at a
time to ensure that I am considering all outcomes instead of getting bitten in
the ass in the future because I forgot to check the quality of the work and not
rely on the quantity to tip the scales.
No comments:
Post a Comment