Recently we have been quite busy on the farm with Bernard passing so suddenly and we had contractors that just finished the new parrot aviary and porch and the fact that Leila’s kid is going to come soon , we have had to deal with all of these things happening and also carry on preparing all the points for the baby. I feel like it is a weight that isn’t getting much lighter. The workload seems to get bigger and bigger, it looks like we might not get to do everything as soon as we had planned. I don’t like having to shove things together and try to do or manage 10 things at once; I prefer having to focus on one point at a time.
I realize that this is actually quite a cool test to see how I and we do under excessive amounts of pressure, and I for one have been pushing hard to get as much done in the short amount of time we have available to us to the point of my body getting the flu just to make me realize that I have to slow down. From the day after Bernard died I was off of the farm 5 out of 7 days, either sorting things out or doing shopping for the contractor or food shopping and the one day I actually had to go into town, come back and go back into town again!
The one night I just started feeling sickish and the next day woke up sick – I was only sick for about 3 days really – and when I felt how badly my body felt I realized that I had pushed myself too hard and not considered that I had gone through a massive shock – physically and otherwise. I accepted in that moment that I would push myself as much as I could but, that it is impractical to be uselessly sick for days because of pushing too hard. Unfortunately this means that I am not superman:). I can only do so much before my body gives out and requires rest. My point with sharing this is that keeping myself busy so as not too focus too much on the point of Bernard is useful to be able to focus on what needs to be done day by day but, that this can only work if I allow myself some time to adjust and align myself with what must be done next. I mainly focused on keeping myself stable and assisting other people as much as possible or working on the farm so as to focus on avoiding to look at what Bernard’s death meant for me and how I needed to move forward after he had died.
I have seen today that I still have the tendency of trying to rush through points without considering all of the factors involved and that I am trying to make myself move faster though the workload without considering that it is more practical to look at points in their entirety instead of skipping through the basics as if I know better.
I realize that all of these points culminate in the point of me not focusing on my breathing but rather allowing myself to be consumed by the desire to prove myself as worthy by pushing myself beyond common sense practicality and into simple, distracting ego.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use ego as a distraction and as a way to not focus on breath
I commit myself to when and as I see myself going into ego or trying to distract myself with workloads and time limits – I stop, breathe and look at the problem facing me with practical common sense
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be overwhelm by the amount of work there is to be done and therefore utilising this as an excuse to get out of the work thinking it will just go away
I commit myself to when and as I go into fear and anxiety about how high my workload is – I stop, breathe and focus on one point at a time to ensure that I am considering all outcomes instead of getting bitten in the ass in the future because I forgot to check the quality of the work and not rely on the quantity to tip the scales.