I don’t know
what to say
How do I say
the unsayable?
How do I
explain the inexplicable?
How do I see
what I don’t want to look at?
Bernard is
dead
I don’t know
what to do
I don’t know
how to feel
All I feel
is fear and anger
I am me
I will no
longer allow myself to define myself according to what Bernard did
I will no
longer allow myself to use him as a shield
I forgive
myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as no more or less
than Bernard’s Son
I forgive
myself for accepting and allowing myself to hide behind Bernard and use him as
a shield to block myself from my process
I miss him
I see that
he is within everything
I see that I
am afraid that he left too soon
I see that I
am afraid that I am not strong enough to stand
I see that
he trusted us all to push ourselves to change, but that he saw that not all
would be able to allow themselves to choose
I see that –
in truth – there is no real choice as we are all responsible for what we have
created and as such, the responsibility to change is what all of us must allow
ourselves to realise
He was not
my father
He was not
my friend
All he was,
was what each of us must see in ourselves
He stood for
all
He
sacrificed whatever was necessary to allow everyone to make a choice between
life and slavery
I cannot say
that any of us would be able to do the same
He feared
nothing
He was
always stable
He taught us
all, anything we were able to understand
I cannot say
that I always listened
I cannot say
that I always understood
I cannot say
that I always honoured his principles
I can say
that I am in the process of changing myself to truly be able to follow his
principles to the utmost of my ability
I can say
that I am in the process of working through my fears
I can say
many things
I can say
anything
What I have
lived and what I do live is who and what I really am
What I live
is selfishness
What I live
is ego
What I live
is anger
I see that I
am angry at him for not fixing all of my problems
I see that I
am angry that I did not allow myself to work harder on changing myself with his
assistance while he was still alive
I forgive
Bernard for leaving
I forgive
Bernard for choosing to leave
I forgive
Bernard for not preparing us more
I forgive
Bernard for asking us to continue without him
I forgive
myself for accepting and allowing myself to be angry at Bernard for leaving
I forgive
myself for accepting and allowing myself to be angry at Bernard for leaving me
and cerise
I forgive
myself for accepting and allowing myself to be angry at Bernard for not
preparing us more
I forgive
myself for accepting and allowing myself to be angry at Bernard for asking us
to continue without him guiding us
I forgive
myself for accepting and allowing myself to see myself as too weak to stand
The decision
I have made is to change
The decision
I have made entails the responsibility of pushing myself beyond my current
cycle of comfortability
I realise
that this means that I have to push myself to be consistent within basic
principles of self-motivation, self-discipline and self-dedication to the
process of change
I dedicate
myself to the simple act of writing a blog everyday
I forgive
myself for not accepting and allowing myself to make mistakes
I forgive
myself for accepting and allowing myself to use the self-created idea that
anything I do has to be perfect as “I am the Son of Bernard”
I forgive
myself for accepting and allowing myself to be angry at myself for making
mistakes as the mistakes reveal my imperfection
I forgive
myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear revealing my imperfections as
the imperfections reveal my vulnerabilities
I forgive
myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being vulnerable
I forgive
myself for accepting and allowing myself to use paranoia and fear of how people
will react to my blogs as an excuse and justification to not write
I forgive
myself for accepting and allowing myself to use specific words to redesign my
self-forgiveness statement so as not to actually assist myself, but to keep
myself in a never ending cycle of self-abuse
I commit
myself to when and as I see that I am trying to abuse my self-forgiveness
through how I place my words, I stop and correct the design of the sf statement
so that I can allow myself to forgive myself for real
I commit
myself to consistently blog, where I do not accept and allow myself to use
excuses and justifications to not blog
I commit myself to learn from my mistakes and
not use them as an excuse or justification to go into isolation, hiding and
fear
cool LJ. Looking forward to your sharing
ReplyDeleteThank you LJ!
ReplyDeleteThanks LJ for sharing. Really supportive.
ReplyDeletethanks LJ!!
ReplyDelete