Day 52 - Fight to be Right

When I want something and I try to show someone else what it is that I want and they disagree I get angry and try to use that anger to enforce my will. I have followed this program from when I was a child with school friends and later in life with everyday living or with things like farm work. Instead of presenting my perspective and discussing it with others and together coming to the conclusion of what the best option is, I use anger and push them in an attempt to make them “break” and see things my way.

I see that this is something that is not only unproductive but also harmful to myself and the people around me, in particular my agreement partner. I see that I need to allow myself to be wrong as that is one of the points that I use to justify this pattern to myself, meaning that I would rather be right and not make a mistake as mistakes are a bruise to my ego and that if I am wrong, I fight and fight even if I have already seen what the other person is saying, as if I can make it my way regardless of what the best solution is.


What I see within this pattern is me trying to protect myself from being seen as wrong by others and that I would rather abuse people than consider what they are saying. I see that if I change this approach and allow myself to consider what others are saying without anger, we would be able to reach a solution that is the best for all involved and that I would not be so difficult to ask for perspective and would be able to learn from my mistakes and from other people’s perspective.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to follow the trigger of someone disagreeing with me to anger and allowing myself to try to enforce my will on the person using anger so that I can avoid being seen as wrong


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being seen as wrong by other people as I believe that they will not hear me on anything if I am ever wrong


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fight to be right even when I can see that I am wrong

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use anger as a way to manipulate people into doing what I want them to do regardless of whether what I want to do is the best solution or not

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see, realize and understand that when I follow this self-created habit or program of fighting to be right I am not only making it more difficult to find a solution to the original problem, but I am also using anger to manipulate those around me and in so doing I am damaging the relationships I have with people around me and creating consequences of people not wanting to work with me and if the point is forced into being through anger there is no way to trust that it is effective and has the chance of creating the consequence of more work in the future

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to disregard what others are saying when I believe that I am right because I have to be the one that is right otherwise I am not as smart as the others

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear not being as smart as the ones around me as I believe that it is a weakness and that people will use it to disregard anything I say

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see, realize and understand that when I become overwhelmed with fear of being ignored I start ignoring others and am therefore doing to them what I would not want them to do to me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am superior to the people around me and through this belief I am damaging my relationships with them as I am not allowing myself to consider anything that they say within the idea that they are not as smart as me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to build up the energy of anger and fear within me to use against others instead of breathing and letting go of the energy and consider what people say to me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being seen as less than them and so I create a persona of more than them, so that I cannot be less than them

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to be smarter than other people so that I never have to be looked down on again

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see, realize and understand that using the energy I create and build with anger and fear to motivate myself and to push others into my way of thinking, I am using something other than the directive principle within and as myself and that the energy will always run out whereas standing as the directive principle within and as myself I can push myself to let go and motivate myself to listen to others and consider their words instead of fighting to be right out of fear

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that if I am wrong people will never trust me again

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that rushing into energy is the better option

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to rush into energy and allow myself to be overwhelmed by the energy which I then allow myself to use as a weapon

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see, realise and understand that I use energy as a weapon against people who I believe are better than I am

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I have to be the best at everything and that if I am not the best or the smartest I am nothing

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being nothing, worthless and useless

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am nothing, worthless and useless

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see, realise and understand that so long as I see or believe myself to be nothing, worthless and useless I am actually giving energy into that idea of myself and therefore I am creating the persona of nothing, worthless and useless, so as to avoid having to push myself and so that I can hide behind the persona of pointlessness that I have created

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear pushing myself as I believe that I will fail and that if I fail I will then be confirming to myself that I am nothing, worthless and useless instead of accepting myself as I am now and pushing myself to become more stable and more aware of myself and others around me and the consequences of my actions to myself and others around me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hide behind the self-created persona or idea of nothing, worthless and useless

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see, realise and understand that I hide behind the persona or idea of nothing, worthless and useless to stop myself from having to take directive principle within and as myself and to stop myself from having to create and push relationships of trust with those around me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear stand as the directive principle within and as myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear having to create and push relationships of trust and vulnerability with those around me and within myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I don't have the courage to push through the fears and direct myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being ignored or disregarded as I see this as others telling me that I am worthless and useless

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that when someone disregards something I say it means that they are telling me that I am useless and worthless

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that people are intentionally ignoring me to tell me that I am useless and worthless

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to be needed as I use the energy from this desire to fuel my ego and make myself feel and seem bigger to hide the fear that I am feeling

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear having to face myself and those around me when I am not hidden by walls of persona and energy

Day 46 - Call of Duty

A point I noticed within anger is that it comes up as a small point and when I get angry I feel it as a wheel that spins. The angrier I get the faster and harder the wheel spins. Within the wheel I see past experiences of anger. I can place myself within the experience of anger even now with no reason and what I see within this is that the anger is always here just waiting to build up and explode. With working outside I use anger to push myself to do more and it causes me to do less. I see the point when I do stables especially, as doing stables seems like a waste of my time, but I do it as it is my Duty. I use the word Duty as if I am forced to do it against my will and then use it to manipulate people. When I use anger to do stables I start feeling annoyed with my body and take more time to do them, using the justification that I am sore, tired or have to do something else first. I actually enjoy working outside, but have now turned it into a chore or a Duty, instead of accepting responsibility of the work and allowing myself to thrive in it with all of the plans I have to make improvements. I make plans, but do not follow through like I used to, as I have poisoned the point with anger.

I commit myself to working on my anger and moving through it, as it is holding me back

I commit myself to not use anger as a hiding place

I commit myself to not rely on others to push and motivate me to accept and follow through on my responsibilities

I commit myself to motivate and push myself

I commit myself allow myself to accept the joy and satisfaction that writing has brought me and I commit myself to writing something every day no matter how small

Day 14 - Group Gaming SF

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear losing the relationships I have developed with people
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being alone
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being left out and ignored
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to push myself into others interactions with one another out of fear of being left out
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to try to hold onto and create groups of friends so as to not be alone
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see myself as the person responsible for pushing people away by trying to hold onto them
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to strive to recreate desirable energy and feelings
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see myself as a frustrating child
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to manipulate others into spending time with me

When and as I see myself looking for attention I stop, breathe and I realise that I am looking for attention out of fear of being alone. I commit myself to stop the fear and direct myself to give myself a purpose in that moment
When and as I see myself trying to force a situation of fun I stop, breathe and I realise that I am holding onto memories to tell me what having fun means. I commit myself to let go of the memories and simply be here, so that I can be open to different experiences and expressions of fun

Day 7 - Screaming to be Heard

I have been sick recently and while I have been sick I noticed an interesting point. My nose was blocked and my chest was tight in such a way that breathing and speaking was difficult. I have been speaking quite softly so as to not hurt my chest as speaking made it feel more constricted – and what I noticed was that I didn’t need to speak loudly so as to make people hear me as was my habit. Because even in speaking softly, everyone could hear everything I said without a problem.

I also would have a slight pressure in my head so when other people were speaking it would make the pressure worse but only in specific tonalities like laughter. Sometimes when I was still very sick just people speaking around me was too loud and would make me feel like going back to my room so as not to have to listen.

I realised that what I was doing when speaking was making my voice louder than it needed to be to get my point across and I noticed that it is something that everyone around me was doing. Also, everyone would speak on top of each other to different people in the same room and it was quite annoying to my sickness sensitised ears.

I realise that my reason for speaking loudly and over other people in the same room was so as to get my point across without any consideration for others. The cool thing was that since I was sick people had to be quiet, patient and listen to me speak because otherwise they wouldn’t be able to hear as I was speaking softly (or at least I wasn’t shouting) and slowly due to my breathing difficulties.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to speak loudly out of fear of not being heard or being misunderstood
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to speak over other people while they are talking to someone as it is out of a belief that I need to speak when there are people speaking so as to express that what I have to say is important enough to ignore what the other people are saying
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to build up my ego by talking over other people as if what I have to say is more important
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that whatever I have to say would be so important that I cannot wait for others to finish speaking
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to consider what other people might be speaking about and consider if I am not just “butting in” out of a desire to be seen as important
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I need to be seen as someone important so as to survive, even when it is at home
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear not being seen as worth listening to
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being ignored
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that if I was ignored than there would be no reason for me to exist
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear not existing
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear what might happen if I was not important
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am important
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to ignore people so as to express my dominance of importance over them so that they won’t ignore me
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use the ideas that I allowed people to create about me to manipulate them into doing things I want them to do
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe it necessary to manipulate people to give me attention and stature
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realise that this point exists within me without needing sickness to limit my ability to hide from myself
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see it as weakness to get sick
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to attempt to force my body not to get sick so that I will not give in to the point of weakness and be seen as weak because of it
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being seen as weak

When and as I see myself going into the point of fear of being seen as weak for getting sick I stop, breathe and I realise that the fear of being seen as weak is a point of ego and I commit myself to not allowing myself to fear being seen as weak and I commit myself to not allowing myself to be afraid of diminishing the “stature” that I believe myself to have with people

When and as I see myself going into the fear of not existing I stop myself, breathe and let go of the fear. I realise that the fear of not existing is actually a fear of the unknown and a fear of being forgotten which is a point of ego and I commit myself to not participate in fears of ‘what might happen’, instead I ground myself here and I simply walk

When and as I see myself going into the fear of being ignored I stop myself, breathe and let go of the fear. I realise that the fear of being ignored is an ego point and I commit myself to slow down and stop ignoring others in fear of being ignored, and thus – to do unto another as I would like to have done unto me

When and as I see myself going into the belief that I need to speak louder than everyone else I stop myself, breathe and let go of the belief. I realise that the belief that I need to speak louder than everyone else is a point of ego and a fear of not being seen as important and I commit myself to only speak as loud as is needed for others to hear me