Day 61 - Responsibility of an animal lover

We hold the lives of animals in our hands when we take on the responsibility of their care, cherish it and place yourself in their shoes when the time comes.

Day 39 - Stepping out of Bernard’s Shadow

I don’t know what to say

How do I say the unsayable?

How do I explain the inexplicable?

How do I see what I don’t want to look at?

Bernard is dead

I don’t know what to do

I don’t know how to feel

All I feel is fear and anger

I am me

I will no longer allow myself to define myself according to what Bernard did

I will no longer allow myself to use him as a shield

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as no more or less than Bernard’s Son

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hide behind Bernard and use him as a shield to block myself from my process

I miss him

I see that he is within everything

I see that I am afraid that he left too soon

I see that I am afraid that I am not strong enough to stand

I see that he trusted us all to push ourselves to change, but that he saw that not all would be able to allow themselves to choose

I see that – in truth – there is no real choice as we are all responsible for what we have created and as such, the responsibility to change is what all of us must allow ourselves to realise

He was not my father

He was not my friend

All he was, was what each of us must see in ourselves

He stood for all

He sacrificed whatever was necessary to allow everyone to make a choice between life and slavery

I cannot say that any of us would be able to do the same

He feared nothing

He was always stable

He taught us all, anything we were able to understand

I cannot say that I always listened

I cannot say that I always understood

I cannot say that I always honoured his principles

I can say that I am in the process of changing myself to truly be able to follow his principles to the utmost of my ability

I can say that I am in the process of working through my fears

I can say many things

I can say anything

What I have lived and what I do live is who and what I really am

What I live is selfishness

What I live is ego

What I live is anger

I see that I am angry at him for not fixing all of my problems

I see that I am angry that I did not allow myself to work harder on changing myself with his assistance while he was still alive

I forgive Bernard for leaving

I forgive Bernard for choosing to leave

I forgive Bernard for not preparing us more

I forgive Bernard for asking us to continue without him

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be angry at Bernard for leaving

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be angry at Bernard for leaving me and cerise

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be angry at Bernard for not preparing us more

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be angry at Bernard for asking us to continue without him guiding us

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see myself as too weak to stand

The decision I have made is to change

The decision I have made entails the responsibility of pushing myself beyond my current cycle of comfortability

I realise that this means that I have to push myself to be consistent within basic principles of self-motivation, self-discipline and self-dedication to the process of change

I dedicate myself to the simple act of writing a blog everyday

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to make mistakes

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use the self-created idea that anything I do has to be perfect as “I am the Son of Bernard”

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be angry at myself for making mistakes as the mistakes reveal my imperfection

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear revealing my imperfections as the imperfections reveal my vulnerabilities

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being vulnerable

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use paranoia and fear of how people will react to my blogs as an excuse and justification to not write

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use specific words to redesign my self-forgiveness statement so as not to actually assist myself, but to keep myself in a never ending cycle of self-abuse

I commit myself to when and as I see that I am trying to abuse my self-forgiveness through how I place my words, I stop and correct the design of the sf statement so that I can allow myself to forgive myself for real

I commit myself to consistently blog, where I do not accept and allow myself to use excuses and justifications to not blog

I commit myself to learn from my mistakes and not use them as an excuse or justification to go into isolation, hiding and fear

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Day 24 - The Lazy Student

Anthony was an amazing man to me. He would always treat me like an adult and talk to me as such and point out when I was doing something wrong, but I do not have a single memory that I can find of him being angry at me or of him ever being angry. He was a lot of fun to be around. He was always able to put people into a good mood and make them laugh. He was open, honest and always willing to help me, but at that stage I wasn’t willing to get help from anyone about anything in my life. I was a bratty little child. He never told me that there was something I couldn’t do and was willing to show me anything I wanted to learn that he was able to teach, but I was never a very good student as I thought of myself as unable to do anything without help. Most of the time when I needed something, I went to him as I wasn’t willing to look and learn to do it myself. I used and abused him for his knowledge and was happy with having someone that I could get what I wanted from.

This blog is a continuation to Day 21 - I lost my Friend my Brother and Day 23 - My Mother BETRAYED Me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge Anthony as amazing, fun and honest
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be envious of Anthony and his character
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as less than Anthony
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge Anthony as a calm person
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as a bratty little child
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as selfish
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as lazy
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as incapable of learning
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see myself as a bad student
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see myself as someone that cannot be helped in any way by another
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to go to others for help
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see going to others for help as weakness
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as weak
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use someone for their knowledge
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abuse someone for their knowledge
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to manipulate people for their knowledge
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to manipulate people to help me out of laziness
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be happy that my ego is satisfied
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to satisfy my ego by winning through successfully manipulating someone
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to satisfy my ego by exerting my power over them
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to satisfy my ego by seeing myself as more powerful as the person I am influencing
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to follow and try to satisfy my ego to get energy, so I can feel in control, bigger, stronger and smarter than other people
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being seen as inferior
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to be seen as strong
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to be seen as strong, since I do not see myself as strong, I therefore need others to reaffirm the idea that I have created of myself of being strong
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to investigate for myself what actual strength is and redefining it within and as myself and from there developing the redefinition of strength as myself
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to be seen as powerful
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to be seen as powerful, since I do not see myself as powerful, I therefore need others to reaffirm the idea that I have created of myself of being powerful
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to investigate for myself what actual powerfulness is and redefining it within and as myself and from there developing the redefinition of powerful as myself
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to be seen as superior, as I use the character trait of superiority to suppress the fact that I see myself as inferior and also fear being seen as inferior by others, as I fear that they will take advantage of me
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to be respected
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to be seen as respected, since I do not respect myself, I therefore need others to reaffirm the idea that I have created of myself of being respected
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to investigate for myself what actual respect is and redefining it within and as myself and from there developing the redefinition of respect as myself
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to be feared, as I fear others and as I want to be the most feared being, since I see that if people fear you, they give to you their energy and submit to your power, which means that you are then in control of their life
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being ignored, because when I am being ignored, I see myself as not being good enough or worthy of the person’s attention
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being left behind, because when I feel like I am being left behind, I feel like I am not good enough to be a part of whatever is happening
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself within my perception of Anthony
and the character traits that I saw he had that I wanted, such as: strength, compassion, motivation, intelligence, skill, efficiency and dedication – instead of standing equal and one with him and learning from his example

To Be Continued...

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Day 21 - I lost my Friend, My Brother

I lost someone who is was and always will be more than family, brother, father and friend. He died in October 2011. As far as I know he killed himself. His name was Anthony. The first memory I have of him is from when I was around 10-11 years old. My mother had recently married another man and he was an aggressive, self-absorbed type of man. He had physically hurt me a few times – not as extensively as some who was actually beaten but enough to make me fear and hate men older than me. The memory of Anthony I have is from when he was dating my sister and they had sat me down to talk to me about why I was so scared and aggressive towards him. I told them that I was scared that he was going to hurt me like my step-father did and started crying, so Anthony hugged me and told me that he would never hurt me. Some of the details may be off but this is one of the strongest memories I have of him. I cannot remember how long I had known Anthony before this.

Anthony was an amazing man to me. He would always treat me like an adult and talk to me as such and point out when I was doing something wrong, but I do not have a single memory that I can find of him being angry at me or of him ever being angry. He was a lot of fun to be around. He was always able to put people into a good mood and make them laugh. He was open, honest and always willing to help me, but at that stage I wasn’t willing to get help from anyone about anything in my life. I was a bratty little child. He never told me that there was something I couldn’t do and was willing to show me anything I wanted to learn that he was able to teach, but I was never a very good student as I thought of myself as unable to do anything without help. Most of the time when I needed something, I went to him as I wasn’t willing to look and learn to do it myself. I used and abused him for his knowledge and was happy with having someone that I could get what I wanted from.

At one stage we were going to learn to do game programming together. He was a computer software programmer. He was the guy that knew everything about computers and taught me almost everything that I know – other than what I have needed to learn by myself since his death. He tried to teach me to do programming but I was being a lazy idiot who wouldn’t show up for lessons and wouldn’t learn as much as I could have – in the time that I was actually there. I wanted to learn to do it but I wasn’t committed, as I thought that he would do it and I would just “ride along with him” so to speak. After a while of this we stopped this project as it just wasn’t moving. Learning to program games and software is still something I would like to learn, but I am not sure if there will ever be the same opportunity again. I wasted my chance to learn from his expertise, which means that when I do find the time to do this it will take longer as I will not have someone that is already experienced in the field to assist and guide me.

Anthony taught himself how to write programming code by Bernard taking him out of the computer repair department the one day and taking him to the programmer that was working for us at that stage and telling him to teach Anthony how to write code. The programmer showed Anthony to a computer with the appropriate software and gave him a book and told him, here’s the book now teach yourself how to write software. He taught himself using self-motivation and a book. I envied him for the motivation he had in relation to whatever he wanted to learn or do. I thought that I was unable to do that for myself as I thought that I need someone to push and motivate me instead of me motivating myself – I problem that I still have today.

After that we bought and renovated a new office building that had 4 flats built into the property. Anthony, a few others and I had to stay while we renovated so as to “protect” the property as we didn’t have a security system yet and a lot of the flats were still partly open – in terms of no doors on the verandas and so on. We slept on the floors for about 2 months (if I remember correctly) before we moved into the flats. Anthony and I took one, while a friend of ours that also worked for the company took the other. It was the first experience I had of “living on my own” in my life. Anthony and I learned how to cook since we were eating way, way, way too much take out and junk food, lol. Anthony had recently been in a car crash so he had money that the insurance company had paid out to him. We used that money to buy a fridge and some other basic kitchen stuff so that we could cook and eat. We also used the money to buy a TV and an Xbox 360. This was just after they came out. We would all sit together and play games, talk about the world and talk about our lives. It was an extremely awesome and fun time in my life. After a while of us living there we started getting sick and the one morning where I didn’t sleep which was a normal thing for me at that stage – I would mostly sleep for an hour or two a day and stay awake as much as I could, I would also sleep during the day and stay awake at night – the one night Anthony was sick and coughing badly quite often. I was so scared that he would die that I almost broke into tears. I begged him to not die. I begged him not to leave me. I didn’t do this near him but in my room. I was still upset over Blackie dying – see my earlier blog… - so I was scared that he would die and leave me all alone in the world. Soon after this Bernard came to take me home telling me that I wasn’t ready to live on my own yet. This wasn’t a matter of age but a matter of stability in who I was, as I was using the flat as a way to run away and hide from myself. Bernard brought Anthony home soon afterwards as well.

After this we moved to the farm and Anthony came with at first. He started isolating himself more and more over time. He moved out of the room he was sharing with his partner and moved into a tent outside the house. He was less and less interested in the day to day of the farm. He eventually decided that he was going to leave and move back to his parents and try to get a job and find out who he really was. I didn’t take him seriously so I thought the whole idea was ridiculous. He showed me the things that he was responsible for and I took it over from him. He left and I barely said goodbye as I expected that he would be back soon. He got a job and his own little apartment and was doing ok for a little while. He didn’t like his job as it was a high stress environment and the people treated him badly as he was the new guy. He quit after a month I think. He lost his apartment. He sold his car, computer and whatever else he could for food and cigarettes. He eventually ran out of money and moved back to his parents. He would often fight with his parents and they sent him to a few psychiatrists since he was becoming more and more aggressive and forceful in talking to them about his life.

Anthony came back after staying with his parents for a while. He started working with us again outside and he also was busy making a few websites for us – which was another self-taught skill. He was still quite suppressed and isolated but he was getting better. He was teaching me to make websites. I was again more interested in his attention and approval then learning what he had to teach. I ignored much of what was going on inside of him so that I could try to see him as the same fun loving, outgoing, friendly, supportive stable man he used to be. I ignored his pain by seeing it, knowing it was there but not going to him and assisting him with his points out of fear of scaring him away and destroying the shaky relationship that we had developed. I was unwilling to help him out of fear of losing him. So I left him in his state of instability so I wouldn’t lose him. By doing that I pushed him away and that didn’t help him.

After about 3 months he “borrowed” my sister’s car for a trip to town and didn’t come back. He took the car on Friday and on the following Sunday we had to get the police to activate the car’s tracker to find him. We found the car and him at a shopping mall in a town close to Durban. We took him to his parents and suggested to them to send him to a mental institution since he had gone into a deep depression and we were worried that he might hurt himself. When we got the car back it was full of empty alcohol bottles and other junk.

We didn’t hear from him for a while. We needed his help with some computer stuff. He wouldn’t respond to anyone’s email so my sister asked me to try to contact him for help. He responded and helped me with everything I asked for. He wouldn’t talk about what was going on in his life he would just ignore the question. He told me once that he was busy working on himself and just wanted to do this by himself for himself. He was cold and calculating in his responses as if I was a business client. I backed off on the questions but felt that I could’ve helped him if he let me, but just like me he was stubborn and thought he could do it all himself. After he helped us with our problem he didn’t contact me again. He was on Facebook so I would check on what he was doing. He was going out with friends a lot so I thought that he may have stopped his process, so I figured that he might come back eventually.

A while later we found an article saying that Anthony had died. We tried to confirm it through old friends and his parents. I saw on his Facebook profile that his friends were all saying goodbye and so-on. I sent a message to his Facebook profile. I asked if this was true. I begged him for it not to be true. I didn’t want to believe it. I cried while writing it. I blame myself. I punished myself. I isolated myself. I told myself that he was my friend and I killed him. I told myself that I should’ve tried harder.


To Be Continued...

Day 1 - Fear of Loss

Day 1 - Fear of Loss

Bumi Ran into the Barbecue

A few days ago Bumi me and Maite’s dog ran into the weber by accident, and I saw her run into and heard her squeal. I got angry because she can hurt her hips and get hip dysplasia which can be extremely dangerous as it is difficult to correct or more likely lead to us having to put her down which I really don’t want to have to do. Bumi has hurt her hip before by running in the house and slipping on the floor which caused her to limp for almost two weeks, when she was younger which scared me a lot.

Well I got angry when she ran into the weber because I was scared of her hurting herself badly and making me have to put her down and I don’t want to lose her. I was also angry because I told her to be more careful and she didn’t listen to me. I had a dog when I was younger that I had to put down because she was old but, in reality she lived longer then she should’ve because I pushed her out of fear of losing her. The year before Blackie died I found a bump on her chest and we took her to the vet and found out that it was a tumor and that we might have to put her down, but they ran tests and were able to surgically remove the tumor. I was so scared of losing her that I was crying a lot and was trying to help her as much as I could by trying to heal the tumor. I was also begging her not to die because I didn’t know if I would be able to survive losing her. The week she died I couldn’t find her and went looking for her around our house and found her close to the bottom of the garden where she was lying down and I tried to call her to get her to walk with me back to the house but she treid and couldn’t get up so I had to pick her up and carry her back up to the house. I also saw that her shit was black and when I spoke to Bernard he said that it was enough, that I had put her through enough pain and that it was time to put her down. We decided to take her to the vet the next day since it was late and when Cerise asked me if I wanted to come with I said no. I said no. I told them not to wake me up but just to take her and go. I set up a bed for her next to me so that she could sleep with me one last time. I couldn’t get to sleep for a long time. When I woke up she was gone and her collar was lying on my desk. I was so angry with myself for not going and I was angry with her for leaving me. I couldn’t bear to throw the collar away so I kept it and I wore it for almost a month at all times. I would shower with it and sleep with it and I would cry every night. I can’t do that again. I loved her but I neglected her when all she did was help me t the point where I killed her because I wasn’t changing Because I failed she killed herself to try and make me move to allow me to move on. My selfishness killed her, my guilt killed her I killed her. She was everything to me and I killed her and I wasn’t even strong enough to go to the vet with her I was too much of a coward I was too weak. I will not allow myself to do that ever again I will not forget what she did for me I will not forget her and I will never Forgive myself for allowing myself to do that to a being that loved and supported me unconditionally. I went through putting Blackie down which was and is and always will be the most difficult thing that I have ever done and I don’t want to have to go through it again with Bumi because I’m scared that I will not be strong enough to help her through it and that I will not be strong enough to live through the pain of losing her.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I cannot am unable to and are not allowed to forgive myself for pushing Blackie to the point where she had to die to make me move.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to forgive myself for pushing Blackie to die

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to force myself into an endless cycle of pain, misery and guilt to ‘make up’ for pushing Blackie to suffer for years for me

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to let go of and move past the guilt of pushing Blackie to suffer and die for me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that Blackie would not be able to forgive me so that I could continue the cycle

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I have to punish myself for all eternity to redeem myself for pushing Blackie to suffer and die for me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I forced Blackie to take on my points and suffer for me instead of realizing that she chose to assist and support for as long as I required it even to the point of killing herself so that I could move forward

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to postpone forgiving myself out of fear of losing her and out of fear of losing everything that I believe makes me who I am

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I can never move forward from this point because it would destroy everything Blackie did for me instead of realizing that moving past this point was the reason she chose to remove herself

 I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to let go of being angry at myself and in turn all of existence

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that if I spread my angry out onto everything else that it would make my anger towards myself diminish

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that I have to forgive myself for what I believe I did so as to move on

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use my guilt as a shield or mask so as not to allow myself to face who I am

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to face myself in relation to all that I have done in Blackie’s name and realize that what I am doing is actually coming from a point of guilt instead of what is best for all

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that hiding in my private little safe is what is best for all instead of realizing that it is only a way to hide myself from existence safe and secure instead of devoting myself fully to what is best for all

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am not allowed to face this point as it would destroy everything that I am

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to allow my mind and systems to try to stop me from facing this point

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that writing out sf wouldn’t change anything about me and my life

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see myself as weak and cowardly

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself according to what I did and who I was

I realize that I did not kill Blackie, she chose to die to assist and support me in moving forward

I realize that taking out my anger on everything and everyone around me is pointless and only hurts existence and myself

I realize that I have to allow myself to forgive myself so as to move past this point as it still holding me back because I am too scared to move past it

I realize that being scared of facing myself is my minds way of stopping me from assisting and supporting myself and all of existence

I realize that being afraid of losing Bumi or anything will create a situation where I must face the point or lose the thing that I am afraid of losing to push me to walk through the fear

I realize that allowing my mind to dictate that I need to go into a specific reactive state such as fear is complete and utter bullshit and only limits who I am and what I am capable of achieving in terms of what is best for all

I realize that when I allow myself to get emotional whenever I remember Blackie, that all I am doing is trapping myself in an endless loop of guilt and anger towards myself, which is totally unacceptable

I realize that I should not look at the memory of Blackie in regret, as that invalidates everything she did for me

I realize that allowing myself to see Blackie dying as my fault, all I am doing is creating a “safe place to hide” in an endless loop of guilt and anger, never allowing myself to move forward

I realize that I must allow myself to let go of Blackie and the idea that her death was my fault

When and as I see myself going into the pattern of “I killed Blackie and deserve to be punished and I must therefore take out my anger and self-pity on those around me to make me feel better” I instead stop breathe and realize that I am going into a loop of guilt and anger, I then stop myself from allowing myself to go into the loop that I have been trapped in and I move on

When and as I see myself going into a reactive state when I see Bumi or other dogs hurt themselves, instead of going into anger and fear, I stop and breathe and I realize that I am going into fear, I let go of the fear and instead go check on the dog and help in any way to prevent that situation from happening again, for instance move the weber out of reach of the dogs “play-zone”

When and as I see myself go into fear of facing myself and hiding from myself I realize that it is just a fear that I have created to stop myself from leaving my “safety net” – instead I stop, breathe and push myself to let go of the fear and move through the desire to hide in my “safety net” I then face myself in whatever point I am dealing with in the moment