I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge my step-father as an aggressive, self-absorbed, stubborn, assholeI lost someone who is was and always will be more than family, brother, father and friend. He died in October 2011. As far as I know he killed himself. His name was Anthony. The first memory I have of him is from when I was around 10-11 years old. My mother had recently married another man and he was an aggressive, self-absorbed type of man. He had physically hurt me a few times – not as extensively as some who was actually beaten but enough to make me fear and hate men older than me. The memory of Anthony I have is from when he was dating my sister and they had sat me down to talk to me about why I was so scared and aggressive towards him. I told them that I was scared that he was going to hurt me like my step-father did and started crying, so Anthony hugged me and told me that he would never hurt me. Some of the details may be off but this is one of the strongest memories I have of him. I cannot remember how long I had known Anthony before this.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my step-father since he was extremely aggressive towards me
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear men that are bigger and more athletic than I am, as I believe them to be stronger than me and as such, able to hurt me
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that people bigger than me are going to and are able to hurt me
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I need to be bigger than everyone so that they cannot hurt me
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into fear and ego when I am around my step-father, as I see myself as less than him because he is an extremely athletic person
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see myself as less than my step-father
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as weak and lazy as I always tried to “weasel” my way out of doing anything athletic when I was younger
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project the belief and presence of being better than athletics and athletic people, since I actually see and believe myself to be less than athletics and athletic people
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear people seeing that I see myself as too weak to participate in athletics
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe and judge that I am too weak to participate in athletics
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to actually create and manifest the physical weakness that I perceived, believed and judged myself to consist of
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be angry at my step-father for ruining the relationship I had with my mother as I saw who she actually was when she started giving over all of her power to him because she felt safe with such a strong man around
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame my step-father for my mother giving her power away and through that, blame him for ruining my relationship with my mother
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to believe that my mother would give herself and her power over to someone else willingly
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see it as a betrayal that my mother gave up and left me for my step-father
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that my mother betrayed me
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be angry at my mother for betraying me
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be angry at my mother for leaving me
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be angry at my mother for revealing to me that she believes herself to be weak and incapable to live on her own, which in turn causes me to see myself as weak and incapable of living on my own
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see my mother as weak and powerless for giving herself over to a man that she married for no other reason than protection and security in life
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that since my mother is weak, incapable of living on her own and looking for a partner that can provide for her, that in turn means that I must do all these things, as I have to follow in my mother’s footsteps, as she is supposed to be a “life model” that I have to follow
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be angry at my mother for damaging my life as I see her as the cause of me following all these ridiculous paths in life
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that my mother damaged my life
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realise that I chose to follow in her footsteps, that I chose my own life paths, that I damaged my life and that I am the one responsible for my choices in life and in who I choose to be
To Be Continued...
No comments:
Post a Comment