Day 52 - Fight to be Right

When I want something and I try to show someone else what it is that I want and they disagree I get angry and try to use that anger to enforce my will. I have followed this program from when I was a child with school friends and later in life with everyday living or with things like farm work. Instead of presenting my perspective and discussing it with others and together coming to the conclusion of what the best option is, I use anger and push them in an attempt to make them “break” and see things my way.

I see that this is something that is not only unproductive but also harmful to myself and the people around me, in particular my agreement partner. I see that I need to allow myself to be wrong as that is one of the points that I use to justify this pattern to myself, meaning that I would rather be right and not make a mistake as mistakes are a bruise to my ego and that if I am wrong, I fight and fight even if I have already seen what the other person is saying, as if I can make it my way regardless of what the best solution is.


What I see within this pattern is me trying to protect myself from being seen as wrong by others and that I would rather abuse people than consider what they are saying. I see that if I change this approach and allow myself to consider what others are saying without anger, we would be able to reach a solution that is the best for all involved and that I would not be so difficult to ask for perspective and would be able to learn from my mistakes and from other people’s perspective.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to follow the trigger of someone disagreeing with me to anger and allowing myself to try to enforce my will on the person using anger so that I can avoid being seen as wrong


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being seen as wrong by other people as I believe that they will not hear me on anything if I am ever wrong


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fight to be right even when I can see that I am wrong

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use anger as a way to manipulate people into doing what I want them to do regardless of whether what I want to do is the best solution or not

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see, realize and understand that when I follow this self-created habit or program of fighting to be right I am not only making it more difficult to find a solution to the original problem, but I am also using anger to manipulate those around me and in so doing I am damaging the relationships I have with people around me and creating consequences of people not wanting to work with me and if the point is forced into being through anger there is no way to trust that it is effective and has the chance of creating the consequence of more work in the future

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to disregard what others are saying when I believe that I am right because I have to be the one that is right otherwise I am not as smart as the others

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear not being as smart as the ones around me as I believe that it is a weakness and that people will use it to disregard anything I say

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see, realize and understand that when I become overwhelmed with fear of being ignored I start ignoring others and am therefore doing to them what I would not want them to do to me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am superior to the people around me and through this belief I am damaging my relationships with them as I am not allowing myself to consider anything that they say within the idea that they are not as smart as me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to build up the energy of anger and fear within me to use against others instead of breathing and letting go of the energy and consider what people say to me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being seen as less than them and so I create a persona of more than them, so that I cannot be less than them

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to be smarter than other people so that I never have to be looked down on again

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see, realize and understand that using the energy I create and build with anger and fear to motivate myself and to push others into my way of thinking, I am using something other than the directive principle within and as myself and that the energy will always run out whereas standing as the directive principle within and as myself I can push myself to let go and motivate myself to listen to others and consider their words instead of fighting to be right out of fear

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that if I am wrong people will never trust me again

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that rushing into energy is the better option

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to rush into energy and allow myself to be overwhelmed by the energy which I then allow myself to use as a weapon

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see, realise and understand that I use energy as a weapon against people who I believe are better than I am

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I have to be the best at everything and that if I am not the best or the smartest I am nothing

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being nothing, worthless and useless

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am nothing, worthless and useless

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see, realise and understand that so long as I see or believe myself to be nothing, worthless and useless I am actually giving energy into that idea of myself and therefore I am creating the persona of nothing, worthless and useless, so as to avoid having to push myself and so that I can hide behind the persona of pointlessness that I have created

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear pushing myself as I believe that I will fail and that if I fail I will then be confirming to myself that I am nothing, worthless and useless instead of accepting myself as I am now and pushing myself to become more stable and more aware of myself and others around me and the consequences of my actions to myself and others around me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hide behind the self-created persona or idea of nothing, worthless and useless

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see, realise and understand that I hide behind the persona or idea of nothing, worthless and useless to stop myself from having to take directive principle within and as myself and to stop myself from having to create and push relationships of trust with those around me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear stand as the directive principle within and as myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear having to create and push relationships of trust and vulnerability with those around me and within myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I don't have the courage to push through the fears and direct myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being ignored or disregarded as I see this as others telling me that I am worthless and useless

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that when someone disregards something I say it means that they are telling me that I am useless and worthless

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that people are intentionally ignoring me to tell me that I am useless and worthless

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to be needed as I use the energy from this desire to fuel my ego and make myself feel and seem bigger to hide the fear that I am feeling

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear having to face myself and those around me when I am not hidden by walls of persona and energy

Day 39 - Stepping out of Bernard’s Shadow

I don’t know what to say

How do I say the unsayable?

How do I explain the inexplicable?

How do I see what I don’t want to look at?

Bernard is dead

I don’t know what to do

I don’t know how to feel

All I feel is fear and anger

I am me

I will no longer allow myself to define myself according to what Bernard did

I will no longer allow myself to use him as a shield

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as no more or less than Bernard’s Son

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hide behind Bernard and use him as a shield to block myself from my process

I miss him

I see that he is within everything

I see that I am afraid that he left too soon

I see that I am afraid that I am not strong enough to stand

I see that he trusted us all to push ourselves to change, but that he saw that not all would be able to allow themselves to choose

I see that – in truth – there is no real choice as we are all responsible for what we have created and as such, the responsibility to change is what all of us must allow ourselves to realise

He was not my father

He was not my friend

All he was, was what each of us must see in ourselves

He stood for all

He sacrificed whatever was necessary to allow everyone to make a choice between life and slavery

I cannot say that any of us would be able to do the same

He feared nothing

He was always stable

He taught us all, anything we were able to understand

I cannot say that I always listened

I cannot say that I always understood

I cannot say that I always honoured his principles

I can say that I am in the process of changing myself to truly be able to follow his principles to the utmost of my ability

I can say that I am in the process of working through my fears

I can say many things

I can say anything

What I have lived and what I do live is who and what I really am

What I live is selfishness

What I live is ego

What I live is anger

I see that I am angry at him for not fixing all of my problems

I see that I am angry that I did not allow myself to work harder on changing myself with his assistance while he was still alive

I forgive Bernard for leaving

I forgive Bernard for choosing to leave

I forgive Bernard for not preparing us more

I forgive Bernard for asking us to continue without him

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be angry at Bernard for leaving

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be angry at Bernard for leaving me and cerise

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be angry at Bernard for not preparing us more

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be angry at Bernard for asking us to continue without him guiding us

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see myself as too weak to stand

The decision I have made is to change

The decision I have made entails the responsibility of pushing myself beyond my current cycle of comfortability

I realise that this means that I have to push myself to be consistent within basic principles of self-motivation, self-discipline and self-dedication to the process of change

I dedicate myself to the simple act of writing a blog everyday

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to make mistakes

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use the self-created idea that anything I do has to be perfect as “I am the Son of Bernard”

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be angry at myself for making mistakes as the mistakes reveal my imperfection

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear revealing my imperfections as the imperfections reveal my vulnerabilities

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being vulnerable

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use paranoia and fear of how people will react to my blogs as an excuse and justification to not write

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use specific words to redesign my self-forgiveness statement so as not to actually assist myself, but to keep myself in a never ending cycle of self-abuse

I commit myself to when and as I see that I am trying to abuse my self-forgiveness through how I place my words, I stop and correct the design of the sf statement so that I can allow myself to forgive myself for real

I commit myself to consistently blog, where I do not accept and allow myself to use excuses and justifications to not blog

I commit myself to learn from my mistakes and not use them as an excuse or justification to go into isolation, hiding and fear

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Day 15 - The Game of Recognition

I have been looking at one of the main reasons I enjoy playing games, which is the ego boost I get when I win. What I mean by games is pretty much anything that you do in a day. I mean, you can whatever you are doing into a competition. For example : If you are working, you make it a competition to work faster, harder and better than the other person or if you are talking to lots of people you can make it a competition to speak louder, more often and have the most response from the people you are talking to. I realise when looking at this point that I am coming from a point of fear and desire - Desire for recognition and fear of not getting it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire recognition
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear not getting the recognition I believe I deserve
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I deserve recognition
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am better than people who cannot do what I do as well as I can – no matter what it is
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being inferior to other people especially when I see that they can do anything even slightly better than I can – no matter what it is
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to expect and believe that I am better than anyone with anything given the chance to learn
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that If I learned the same skill that I see In another, that I would be able to do it better than and learn it faster than the other person
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel envious about any skill that another has that I don’t
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel guilty that I don’t already possess that skill or never allowed myself to finish learning it
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that I am not useful enough or valuable enough for what we are doing
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see myself as unworthy of life
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see myself as unworthy of process
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see and experience as unworthy in all forms
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear not being able to make myself worthy
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see it as necessary to find some way so as to prove my worth to those around me and especially to myself
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear not living up to the expectations that I perceive are part of who I should be
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see myself as a failure
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being seen in the same way as I see myself, as that would mean that I would have to see myself in their eyes
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear looking at myself, as I believe that that would mean I would have to look at and see who I should and how I should’ve lived my live
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel guilty for living my life in such an irresponsible and selfish way
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel ashamed of my life and how much more difficult I have made my own life out of ignorant and selfish choices
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself according to my past instead of who I choose to be
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to forgive and let go of my past
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear letting go of my past because I believe that if I do I will make the same mistakes of the past
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realise that through holding onto my past I am actually keeping the same cycle of mistakes running
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to regret my life choices
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that need i recognition so as to motivate me into doing anything
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to justify not finishing what I started if I do not get the recognition I believe I deserve
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to spite others out of anger at myself for needing them to motivate myself
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I cannot motivate myself into doing anything