Day 50 - My Scrawny Legs

I do not like the fact that my legs are small and thin they look like ant legs at the bottom of a dog and make me feel ridiculous when someone realises how small they are. They also make me think that other people see me as weak since I have such tiny legs.

I enjoy my body and only recently realised that I judge it in many aspects and I am going to be waking through the points that I have seen in my blog to help me face the fear of what people think of my body and to push myself to allow myself to be vulnerable as that is something that I have realised that I struggle with.

I do not notice how small my legs are easily as I cannot see them in comparison to my body, but when I see photos of me in shorts or photos of me sitting on the floor I am always surprised and disappointed by how stupid my body looks with my big upper body and head, teensy little legs that are connected to my big feet. I look very top heavy!

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as looking like a top heavy tree that is about to collapse
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself for having small legs as it does not fit my self created idea of masculinity
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to belief that masculinity is something that I need to pursue as I believe that, since I am a man I have to look masculine
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be disappointed that my legs look ridiculous to me
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see myself as a big strong man that is scary and tough looking
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself for not looking like a big strong man that is scary and tough looking
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see, realise and understand that it does not matter what I look like as the judgments of others only affect me if I allow them to
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be influenced by the belief that other people judge me because of my legs
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being perceived as weak because of what I see and judge as weak, scrawny legs
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be influenced by what others think of my legs
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be influenced by my belief of what others think about my legs
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge and see myself as scrawny and weak due to me having small legs
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to look like a big strong man that strikes fear and envy into other men
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire other peoples envy and praise through looking like a scary man
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to belief that I will get respect if I look like a big strong man
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use ideas of what I look like to build up energy to fuel my ego
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that by fuelling my ego I can avoid feeling insecure and ashamed of my body
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be ashamed of my body as it does not fit my idea of a masculine body
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that people will see how insecure I am and use it to abuse me
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use the fear of being abused to justify why I can build up energy so as to build up my ego
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being abused
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to justify my judgment of my legs by comparing them to men I perceive to be big and strong and desirable
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I need to be desirable to be able to enjoy life
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to make my legs bigger and to make them look better to me and to fit my idea of a masculine body
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that I will always look top heavy
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that if I expose my insecurity in my body people will use it against me
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that being vulnerable only gives people the ability to hurt me
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being hurt by others
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being vulnerable as it does not fit my idea of a masculine man
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being vulnerable with others as I fear that I will be ignored and discarded
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being ignored and discarded

Day 3 - Walking Through Resistance

I have been resisting writing about redefining words and as I look at why I realize that the reason I keep coming to a point of completely resisting writing, as Redefining words is what I want to focus on but I cannot find a word to redefine, the point that I realise is that I need to redefine resistance or resisting facing a point.

If I look at how I have been living or existing as my current definition of resistance what I see is:

A point that I see as a waste of my time, useless, pointless to do or face or write about as I do not want to see that whatever point I am looking at exists within and as me as it doesn’t fit into my perception of myself.

The dictionary definition of resistance is:

— n

1. the act or an instance of resisting

2. the capacity to withstand something, esp the body's natural capacity to withstand disease

3. a. Compare reactance R  the opposition to a flow of electric current through a circuit component, medium, or substance. It is the magnitude of the real part of the impedance and is measured in ohms  b. ( as modifier ): resistance coupling ; a resistance thermometer

4. any force that tends to retard or oppose motion: air resistance ; wind resistance

5. (in psychoanalytical theory) the tendency of a person to prevent the translation of repressed thoughts and ideas from the unconscious to the conscious and esp to resist the analyst's attempt to bring this about

6. physics  the magnitude of the real part of the acoustic or mechanical impedance

7. line of least resistance  the easiest, but not necessarily the best or most honourable, course of action

Through sounding out the word the other words that I can hear are:

Tense, stance, cyst, rest, ants

If I look at all the information that I have gathered in terms of the word resistance and how it affects me:

My perception of the word resistance and my relation to this word makes it look to me as a bad word. The reason for this is that me resisting doing something shows me that I need to do what it is that I am resisting as it is a point that I am afraid of or too lazy to do and as I also see myself as better than the point that I am resisting( at least some of the time).

The associations that I have made to the word resistance are:

That the word is bad and that it means that I am lazy and not good enough to walk through the resistance as I am consumed by fear of change and the point that I am resisting would change me if I face or do it

The experience I have in relation to resistance if that I am lazy and that I start feeling ashamed of myself when I avoid walking through the resistance as I am afraid, so whenever I have had the word or form of resistance come up I feel immediately worse and like a huge weight has been put on my shoulders that I did not want as I feel like I am doing enough even though I know it is not true. I also use the word resistance to hide from changing my idea of who I am as I enjoy who I am even though I know who I am at the moment is comprised of fear, shame, guilt and laziness.

Self-Forgiveness:

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see the word resistance as something bad

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become angry at myself for going into resistance towards working through points or writing anything out

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to look at why I am resisting facing a point out of fear

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear resisting a point as it shows me that there points that I have not dealt with

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being seen as someone who cannot work through points, as someone weak and as someone useless

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to limit myself to the point where I go into a complete shutdown instead of dealing with a point

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see what I am doing to myself as a point of distraction and entrapment

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to enjoy the comfort of hiding behind my resistances and fear

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that if I am stuck in a point of resistance that people will see me as less than them

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being seen as less than

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to take it personally when the idea that someone is seeing me as less than me comes up

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become entirely consumed by resistance which is all fear based

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become entirely controlled by fear

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to let fear dictate my every move

If I look at what would best define the word resistance I come up with these possibilities:

A point that is being revealed as something to work on and requires direction as it is affecting myself as who I am as I am allowing myself to go into a reaction even if I do not realize it.

Definition:

Resistance is an experience from the mind that it uses to hold self back from facing whatever point is in front of me.

Resistance can be used as a tool to indicate when I am hiding from or using an excuse to not face a point and therefore an indication that I should push myself and walk through the resistance.

Checking the definition

a.   Is there a polarity in the definition that I have assigned to the word?

Answer: No

b.   Can I stand by this definition of the word eternally?

Answer: Yes

c.   Does the definition that I wrote represent what the word means?

Answer: Yes