Day 52 - Fight to be Right

When I want something and I try to show someone else what it is that I want and they disagree I get angry and try to use that anger to enforce my will. I have followed this program from when I was a child with school friends and later in life with everyday living or with things like farm work. Instead of presenting my perspective and discussing it with others and together coming to the conclusion of what the best option is, I use anger and push them in an attempt to make them “break” and see things my way.

I see that this is something that is not only unproductive but also harmful to myself and the people around me, in particular my agreement partner. I see that I need to allow myself to be wrong as that is one of the points that I use to justify this pattern to myself, meaning that I would rather be right and not make a mistake as mistakes are a bruise to my ego and that if I am wrong, I fight and fight even if I have already seen what the other person is saying, as if I can make it my way regardless of what the best solution is.


What I see within this pattern is me trying to protect myself from being seen as wrong by others and that I would rather abuse people than consider what they are saying. I see that if I change this approach and allow myself to consider what others are saying without anger, we would be able to reach a solution that is the best for all involved and that I would not be so difficult to ask for perspective and would be able to learn from my mistakes and from other people’s perspective.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to follow the trigger of someone disagreeing with me to anger and allowing myself to try to enforce my will on the person using anger so that I can avoid being seen as wrong


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being seen as wrong by other people as I believe that they will not hear me on anything if I am ever wrong


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fight to be right even when I can see that I am wrong

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use anger as a way to manipulate people into doing what I want them to do regardless of whether what I want to do is the best solution or not

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see, realize and understand that when I follow this self-created habit or program of fighting to be right I am not only making it more difficult to find a solution to the original problem, but I am also using anger to manipulate those around me and in so doing I am damaging the relationships I have with people around me and creating consequences of people not wanting to work with me and if the point is forced into being through anger there is no way to trust that it is effective and has the chance of creating the consequence of more work in the future

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to disregard what others are saying when I believe that I am right because I have to be the one that is right otherwise I am not as smart as the others

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear not being as smart as the ones around me as I believe that it is a weakness and that people will use it to disregard anything I say

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see, realize and understand that when I become overwhelmed with fear of being ignored I start ignoring others and am therefore doing to them what I would not want them to do to me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am superior to the people around me and through this belief I am damaging my relationships with them as I am not allowing myself to consider anything that they say within the idea that they are not as smart as me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to build up the energy of anger and fear within me to use against others instead of breathing and letting go of the energy and consider what people say to me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being seen as less than them and so I create a persona of more than them, so that I cannot be less than them

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to be smarter than other people so that I never have to be looked down on again

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see, realize and understand that using the energy I create and build with anger and fear to motivate myself and to push others into my way of thinking, I am using something other than the directive principle within and as myself and that the energy will always run out whereas standing as the directive principle within and as myself I can push myself to let go and motivate myself to listen to others and consider their words instead of fighting to be right out of fear

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that if I am wrong people will never trust me again

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that rushing into energy is the better option

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to rush into energy and allow myself to be overwhelmed by the energy which I then allow myself to use as a weapon

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see, realise and understand that I use energy as a weapon against people who I believe are better than I am

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I have to be the best at everything and that if I am not the best or the smartest I am nothing

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being nothing, worthless and useless

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am nothing, worthless and useless

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see, realise and understand that so long as I see or believe myself to be nothing, worthless and useless I am actually giving energy into that idea of myself and therefore I am creating the persona of nothing, worthless and useless, so as to avoid having to push myself and so that I can hide behind the persona of pointlessness that I have created

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear pushing myself as I believe that I will fail and that if I fail I will then be confirming to myself that I am nothing, worthless and useless instead of accepting myself as I am now and pushing myself to become more stable and more aware of myself and others around me and the consequences of my actions to myself and others around me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hide behind the self-created persona or idea of nothing, worthless and useless

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see, realise and understand that I hide behind the persona or idea of nothing, worthless and useless to stop myself from having to take directive principle within and as myself and to stop myself from having to create and push relationships of trust with those around me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear stand as the directive principle within and as myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear having to create and push relationships of trust and vulnerability with those around me and within myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I don't have the courage to push through the fears and direct myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being ignored or disregarded as I see this as others telling me that I am worthless and useless

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that when someone disregards something I say it means that they are telling me that I am useless and worthless

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that people are intentionally ignoring me to tell me that I am useless and worthless

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to be needed as I use the energy from this desire to fuel my ego and make myself feel and seem bigger to hide the fear that I am feeling

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear having to face myself and those around me when I am not hidden by walls of persona and energy

Day 50 - My Scrawny Legs

I do not like the fact that my legs are small and thin they look like ant legs at the bottom of a dog and make me feel ridiculous when someone realises how small they are. They also make me think that other people see me as weak since I have such tiny legs.

I enjoy my body and only recently realised that I judge it in many aspects and I am going to be waking through the points that I have seen in my blog to help me face the fear of what people think of my body and to push myself to allow myself to be vulnerable as that is something that I have realised that I struggle with.

I do not notice how small my legs are easily as I cannot see them in comparison to my body, but when I see photos of me in shorts or photos of me sitting on the floor I am always surprised and disappointed by how stupid my body looks with my big upper body and head, teensy little legs that are connected to my big feet. I look very top heavy!

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as looking like a top heavy tree that is about to collapse
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself for having small legs as it does not fit my self created idea of masculinity
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to belief that masculinity is something that I need to pursue as I believe that, since I am a man I have to look masculine
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be disappointed that my legs look ridiculous to me
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see myself as a big strong man that is scary and tough looking
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself for not looking like a big strong man that is scary and tough looking
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see, realise and understand that it does not matter what I look like as the judgments of others only affect me if I allow them to
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be influenced by the belief that other people judge me because of my legs
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being perceived as weak because of what I see and judge as weak, scrawny legs
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be influenced by what others think of my legs
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be influenced by my belief of what others think about my legs
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge and see myself as scrawny and weak due to me having small legs
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to look like a big strong man that strikes fear and envy into other men
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire other peoples envy and praise through looking like a scary man
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to belief that I will get respect if I look like a big strong man
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use ideas of what I look like to build up energy to fuel my ego
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that by fuelling my ego I can avoid feeling insecure and ashamed of my body
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be ashamed of my body as it does not fit my idea of a masculine body
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that people will see how insecure I am and use it to abuse me
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use the fear of being abused to justify why I can build up energy so as to build up my ego
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being abused
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to justify my judgment of my legs by comparing them to men I perceive to be big and strong and desirable
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I need to be desirable to be able to enjoy life
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to make my legs bigger and to make them look better to me and to fit my idea of a masculine body
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that I will always look top heavy
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that if I expose my insecurity in my body people will use it against me
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that being vulnerable only gives people the ability to hurt me
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being hurt by others
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being vulnerable as it does not fit my idea of a masculine man
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being vulnerable with others as I fear that I will be ignored and discarded
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being ignored and discarded

Day 33 - Forgive me Father for I have Sinned!

Source Article: http://www.news24.com/Technology/News/Student-confession-sites-go-viral-20130531

“Cape Town - Anonymous Facebook confession sites are going viral as thousands of university students confess their most intimate thoughts.

The craze started with the Facebook page UCT Confessions, which allows students to post messages anonymously using a code via Google.”

“Many are inappropriate for publication, and concerns have been raised that the nature of the confessions may damage the reputation of the university.

According to the Cape Argus, the creators want to remain anonymous, but said they wanted a platform where students could be heard anonymously: “Not everyone wants to associate themselves with their opinion”.

- News24

The backchat confession booth of a University, where all can come and splurge their disturbing selfish thoughts without repercussion, has nicely displayed – for all to see – the Nastiness of the human psyche.

It is fascinating that people are reacting as if this wasn’t to be expected. What I mean is that if you look at the workings of your own mind, you must realize that our thoughts as our secrets are not a pretty picture. We can present ourselves as the best and the most beautiful things in the world, but in reality, well just look at the world as the world is representing the truth of human nature in every aspect.

What is the purpose of this site if the people that use it are not held responsible for the thoughts that they are revealing? The fact that these people are posting on this site and sites such as these is usually in the benefit of themselves in terms of the ego boost they get when people read, like or comment on the post that they made – without the people knowing who wrote it.

It is similar to going to a Church Confession Booth and expecting that if you confessed your sins and say ten "Hail Mary's", that you are now forgiven and apparently cleansed, when obviously nothing has really changed, because you haven't really investigated the thoughts and taken responsibility for them in having a look at how you have to change yourself to correct the origin of the problem.

The solution that I see is that the people get assistance and training in how to deal with the thoughts and feelings so as to see how to work through their issues and take responsibility for themselves and their words and actions through utilising the tools that are available here: 

www.lite.desteniiprocess.com

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Day 15 - The Game of Recognition

I have been looking at one of the main reasons I enjoy playing games, which is the ego boost I get when I win. What I mean by games is pretty much anything that you do in a day. I mean, you can whatever you are doing into a competition. For example : If you are working, you make it a competition to work faster, harder and better than the other person or if you are talking to lots of people you can make it a competition to speak louder, more often and have the most response from the people you are talking to. I realise when looking at this point that I am coming from a point of fear and desire - Desire for recognition and fear of not getting it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire recognition
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear not getting the recognition I believe I deserve
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I deserve recognition
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am better than people who cannot do what I do as well as I can – no matter what it is
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being inferior to other people especially when I see that they can do anything even slightly better than I can – no matter what it is
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to expect and believe that I am better than anyone with anything given the chance to learn
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that If I learned the same skill that I see In another, that I would be able to do it better than and learn it faster than the other person
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel envious about any skill that another has that I don’t
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel guilty that I don’t already possess that skill or never allowed myself to finish learning it
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that I am not useful enough or valuable enough for what we are doing
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see myself as unworthy of life
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see myself as unworthy of process
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see and experience as unworthy in all forms
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear not being able to make myself worthy
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see it as necessary to find some way so as to prove my worth to those around me and especially to myself
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear not living up to the expectations that I perceive are part of who I should be
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see myself as a failure
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being seen in the same way as I see myself, as that would mean that I would have to see myself in their eyes
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear looking at myself, as I believe that that would mean I would have to look at and see who I should and how I should’ve lived my live
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel guilty for living my life in such an irresponsible and selfish way
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel ashamed of my life and how much more difficult I have made my own life out of ignorant and selfish choices
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself according to my past instead of who I choose to be
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to forgive and let go of my past
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear letting go of my past because I believe that if I do I will make the same mistakes of the past
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realise that through holding onto my past I am actually keeping the same cycle of mistakes running
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to regret my life choices
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that need i recognition so as to motivate me into doing anything
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to justify not finishing what I started if I do not get the recognition I believe I deserve
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to spite others out of anger at myself for needing them to motivate myself
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I cannot motivate myself into doing anything

Day 7 - Screaming to be Heard

I have been sick recently and while I have been sick I noticed an interesting point. My nose was blocked and my chest was tight in such a way that breathing and speaking was difficult. I have been speaking quite softly so as to not hurt my chest as speaking made it feel more constricted – and what I noticed was that I didn’t need to speak loudly so as to make people hear me as was my habit. Because even in speaking softly, everyone could hear everything I said without a problem.

I also would have a slight pressure in my head so when other people were speaking it would make the pressure worse but only in specific tonalities like laughter. Sometimes when I was still very sick just people speaking around me was too loud and would make me feel like going back to my room so as not to have to listen.

I realised that what I was doing when speaking was making my voice louder than it needed to be to get my point across and I noticed that it is something that everyone around me was doing. Also, everyone would speak on top of each other to different people in the same room and it was quite annoying to my sickness sensitised ears.

I realise that my reason for speaking loudly and over other people in the same room was so as to get my point across without any consideration for others. The cool thing was that since I was sick people had to be quiet, patient and listen to me speak because otherwise they wouldn’t be able to hear as I was speaking softly (or at least I wasn’t shouting) and slowly due to my breathing difficulties.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to speak loudly out of fear of not being heard or being misunderstood
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to speak over other people while they are talking to someone as it is out of a belief that I need to speak when there are people speaking so as to express that what I have to say is important enough to ignore what the other people are saying
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to build up my ego by talking over other people as if what I have to say is more important
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that whatever I have to say would be so important that I cannot wait for others to finish speaking
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to consider what other people might be speaking about and consider if I am not just “butting in” out of a desire to be seen as important
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I need to be seen as someone important so as to survive, even when it is at home
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear not being seen as worth listening to
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being ignored
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that if I was ignored than there would be no reason for me to exist
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear not existing
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear what might happen if I was not important
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am important
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to ignore people so as to express my dominance of importance over them so that they won’t ignore me
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use the ideas that I allowed people to create about me to manipulate them into doing things I want them to do
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe it necessary to manipulate people to give me attention and stature
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realise that this point exists within me without needing sickness to limit my ability to hide from myself
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see it as weakness to get sick
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to attempt to force my body not to get sick so that I will not give in to the point of weakness and be seen as weak because of it
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being seen as weak

When and as I see myself going into the point of fear of being seen as weak for getting sick I stop, breathe and I realise that the fear of being seen as weak is a point of ego and I commit myself to not allowing myself to fear being seen as weak and I commit myself to not allowing myself to be afraid of diminishing the “stature” that I believe myself to have with people

When and as I see myself going into the fear of not existing I stop myself, breathe and let go of the fear. I realise that the fear of not existing is actually a fear of the unknown and a fear of being forgotten which is a point of ego and I commit myself to not participate in fears of ‘what might happen’, instead I ground myself here and I simply walk

When and as I see myself going into the fear of being ignored I stop myself, breathe and let go of the fear. I realise that the fear of being ignored is an ego point and I commit myself to slow down and stop ignoring others in fear of being ignored, and thus – to do unto another as I would like to have done unto me

When and as I see myself going into the belief that I need to speak louder than everyone else I stop myself, breathe and let go of the belief. I realise that the belief that I need to speak louder than everyone else is a point of ego and a fear of not being seen as important and I commit myself to only speak as loud as is needed for others to hear me