Day 50 - My Scrawny Legs

I do not like the fact that my legs are small and thin they look like ant legs at the bottom of a dog and make me feel ridiculous when someone realises how small they are. They also make me think that other people see me as weak since I have such tiny legs.

I enjoy my body and only recently realised that I judge it in many aspects and I am going to be waking through the points that I have seen in my blog to help me face the fear of what people think of my body and to push myself to allow myself to be vulnerable as that is something that I have realised that I struggle with.

I do not notice how small my legs are easily as I cannot see them in comparison to my body, but when I see photos of me in shorts or photos of me sitting on the floor I am always surprised and disappointed by how stupid my body looks with my big upper body and head, teensy little legs that are connected to my big feet. I look very top heavy!

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as looking like a top heavy tree that is about to collapse
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself for having small legs as it does not fit my self created idea of masculinity
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to belief that masculinity is something that I need to pursue as I believe that, since I am a man I have to look masculine
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be disappointed that my legs look ridiculous to me
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see myself as a big strong man that is scary and tough looking
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself for not looking like a big strong man that is scary and tough looking
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see, realise and understand that it does not matter what I look like as the judgments of others only affect me if I allow them to
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be influenced by the belief that other people judge me because of my legs
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being perceived as weak because of what I see and judge as weak, scrawny legs
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be influenced by what others think of my legs
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be influenced by my belief of what others think about my legs
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge and see myself as scrawny and weak due to me having small legs
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to look like a big strong man that strikes fear and envy into other men
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire other peoples envy and praise through looking like a scary man
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to belief that I will get respect if I look like a big strong man
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use ideas of what I look like to build up energy to fuel my ego
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that by fuelling my ego I can avoid feeling insecure and ashamed of my body
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be ashamed of my body as it does not fit my idea of a masculine body
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that people will see how insecure I am and use it to abuse me
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use the fear of being abused to justify why I can build up energy so as to build up my ego
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being abused
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to justify my judgment of my legs by comparing them to men I perceive to be big and strong and desirable
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I need to be desirable to be able to enjoy life
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to make my legs bigger and to make them look better to me and to fit my idea of a masculine body
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that I will always look top heavy
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that if I expose my insecurity in my body people will use it against me
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that being vulnerable only gives people the ability to hurt me
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being hurt by others
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being vulnerable as it does not fit my idea of a masculine man
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being vulnerable with others as I fear that I will be ignored and discarded
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being ignored and discarded

Day 10 - Driving Scared Part 2

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge the K53 defensive driving system as stupid and ridiculous
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be influenced by a system of education that is based solely on fear instead of assertiveness and common sense
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be angry at myself for being influenced by the K53 defensive driving system
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that the only way to pass the driving test is to allow myself to be influenced by the K53 defensive driving system
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that it is necessary to compromise myself so as to pass tests and show to the system that I am capable of doing whatever the test is related to
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realise that I can pass the test without being influenced by the starting point of fear that they are trying to program into people with the current driving system that is required to pass the test
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realise that it is only necessary to drive the way they want me to drive so as to pass the test and as soon as I pass I can drive in common sense without having to show the people next to me that I am watching the roads
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be influenced by a system that has been created as a way to instil fear and create car crashes so as to provide money for the system
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to expect to crash a car in my life as though it is inevitable
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realise that through expecting myself to get into a car crash I am actually creating a car crash scenario in my life so as to get over the self-perpetuated anticipation of a car crash
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be angry at myself for participating in the expectation of a car crash and thus, creating it
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realise that I have allowed myself to be influenced by the current driving education system
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be afraid of getting into a car crash
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be afraid of dying or getting hurt in a car crash
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be afraid of hurting those around me in a car crash

When and as I see myself going into fear of getting into a car crash or getting hurt in a car crash or hurting those around me in a car crash I stop, breathe and let go of the fear. I realise that that fear of a car crash is a point that I have created so as not to face the point of driving so that I never have to face the fear of a car crash and I commit myself to pushing myself through the fear of driving and stick to the practical physical actions of driving

When and as I see myself allowing myself to be influenced by the current driving education system I stop, breathe and I realise that I am allowing myself to be influenced by the system out of fear of failure. I commit myself to walk through the current system the best way that I can and once I am able to, do what I can to change the current driving education system so that it trains people to be assertive and considerate drivers, instead of fearful and self-centred drivers

Day 9 - Driving Scared - Writing only

On my last driving lesson I drove in town for an hour with the instructor taking me along the path that I will drive on my test day so that I will be “used to it” when I do my test. During my lesson the one point that I had to remember while driving was to check every road that connected to the road that I was busy driving on. While I was driving I had to slightly turn my head to every intersection that I drove through while I was driving to show the instructor that I was checking. Meaning that while I drove I had to turn my head so that the instructor could see and keep an eye on the road all at the same time, quite unnerving to say the least, I mean I have to watch the road while making sure that the instructor sees that I am checking the roads! I check the roads the roads as I drive but the showing the person next to you while in traffic thing is really freaking scaring!!!

Day 6 Driving Lesson and Self-Sabotage

I have started taking driving lessons and the other day I drove with a professional instructor for the first time. I was quite nervous about a few things, mainly about driving with someone I didn’t know. I was also nervous about her letting me drive in town with lots of traffic and people. When I have been in town with other people I have seen how some of the people drive in town and I was afraid of something happening and me not being able to stay calm and not go into fear and …well freak out.

While I was driving I was apparently going too slow for this guy behind me, so he speeds past me and almost crashes into me and the guy that was in front of me. I didn’t freak out though! Lol. I just breathed and had to swerve a little but all in all it was ok. I then drove us to the mall nearby.

For those of you who don’t know, when you learn to drive from a company/school the car you use has a second set of brakes and clutch in the passenger’s side. The whole time that I was driving she would push the brake just before I would push it. It was a little frustrating, as she would tell me to push the brake but she would already be pushing it. It was confusing to say the least but I would breathe and focus on what I was doing. I realize that she was telling me so that I can learn when to start doing it myself without her and she was pushing the stuff since she cannot trust in my ability to drive yet and so we don’t crash into someone! :)

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be afraid of having to speak to people outside of process

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be afraid of driving a car with a passenger in it

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be afraid of being judged as a bad driver by whatever passenger is in the car

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be scared of driving in traffic with many other cars

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be afraid of damaging whoevers car I am driving, especially the driver instructor’s car

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be afraid that other people on the road would be hooting at me for driving too slowly or something

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become irritated with people when they tell me to do something that they are already doing –like the driving instructor telling me to brake, while she had already taken over the point herself by braking.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to resist the assistance others give me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I don’t need help

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to force myself into the difficult paths instead of just simply doing the simple common sense route to anything

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that the best way to ensure that I “learn my lesson” is through pain and suffering

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project this anger towards myself onto others as a way to hide from facing any point

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I would go into fear if something bad happened on the road

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not trust my breathing in driving even though I have proven to myself that I can handle anything through breathing and remaining stable and not going into fear

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into fear about the whole driving and lesson and test process

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I will go into fear on my test day and fuck up while taking my test

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be afraid of disappointing myself and Maite if I fail my driving test

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be afraid of failure

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be afraid of having to start the whole driving process again as it costs time and money

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be afraid that if I do fail my driving test, I will have wasted a lot of money and time.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am going to fail my driving test as many of the people failed their first time

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be afraid of turning out like everyone else by failing my driving test

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that if I pass my driving test that I will be better than the other people who failed their first time

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for accepting and allowing myself to use the point of it being practical to pass the first time, to hide the ego-point of me winning by passing the first time

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that if I pass my driving test it will mean that I am a better driver than the people who failed

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to expect that I am going to fail because of me wanting to pass

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create failure in my life as a way for me to learn even though it is completely unnecessary and impractical

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that there is no way for me to pass the test as I want to pass to win

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that since I have created my failure already, that I cannot undo it

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that it is just a matter of changing my starting point and then walk in breath and self-trust

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am a perfectionist and as such, I cannot allow myself to fail no matter how ridiculous the point is

When and as I see myself going into the fear of failure I stop myself breathe and let go of the point that I am afraid of in that moment. I realize that fearing failure is a way for me to sabotage my personal process and to make working with myself more difficult. I commit myself to allowing myself to breathe through the fear, look at it in terms of why I am afraid to fail and not allow myself to sabotage my process out of fear of failure

When and as I see myself going into the believe of being a perfectionist I stop myself, breathe and let go of the point that I am currently using to impress people with. I realize that the belief that I need to be perfect so as to impress people is just me trying to build up my ego. I commit myself to not allowing myself to participate in the point of building up my ego so as to feel self-important and better-than as it is just another point of self-sabotage directed at my process.

When and as I see myself going into the fear of disappointing myself and other people I stop myself, breathe and let go of the fear. I realize that when I go into fear of being a disappointment it is only because I believe that I have to live up to those ideas of myself and what other people think of me which is just another form of self-sabotage. I commit myself to look at why I feel like I need to live up to expectations of my preconceived idea of myself and the preconceived ideas others have formed about me, I commit myself to not allowing myself to restrict myself into a being controlled by the expectations created by myself and what others have come to see me as and I commit myself to not allow myself to go into fear of what people might do or say when I do not act as who I have turned myself into based on the preconceived ideas of myself that others and I have created about myself

When and as I see myself projecting my anger onto others I stop, breathe and let go of the anger before I continue speaking. I realize that when I project my anger onto others I am using it as a shield so as not to be seen and so that I do not have to see the point I am afraid of facing, which is also a point of self-sabotage. I commit myself to not allow myself to use my anger as a shield for my fear and I commit myself to not allow myself to be afraid of being seen as someone that is afraid of facing myself