Day 7 - Screaming to be Heard

I have been sick recently and while I have been sick I noticed an interesting point. My nose was blocked and my chest was tight in such a way that breathing and speaking was difficult. I have been speaking quite softly so as to not hurt my chest as speaking made it feel more constricted – and what I noticed was that I didn’t need to speak loudly so as to make people hear me as was my habit. Because even in speaking softly, everyone could hear everything I said without a problem.

I also would have a slight pressure in my head so when other people were speaking it would make the pressure worse but only in specific tonalities like laughter. Sometimes when I was still very sick just people speaking around me was too loud and would make me feel like going back to my room so as not to have to listen.

I realised that what I was doing when speaking was making my voice louder than it needed to be to get my point across and I noticed that it is something that everyone around me was doing. Also, everyone would speak on top of each other to different people in the same room and it was quite annoying to my sickness sensitised ears.

I realise that my reason for speaking loudly and over other people in the same room was so as to get my point across without any consideration for others. The cool thing was that since I was sick people had to be quiet, patient and listen to me speak because otherwise they wouldn’t be able to hear as I was speaking softly (or at least I wasn’t shouting) and slowly due to my breathing difficulties.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to speak loudly out of fear of not being heard or being misunderstood
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to speak over other people while they are talking to someone as it is out of a belief that I need to speak when there are people speaking so as to express that what I have to say is important enough to ignore what the other people are saying
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to build up my ego by talking over other people as if what I have to say is more important
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that whatever I have to say would be so important that I cannot wait for others to finish speaking
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to consider what other people might be speaking about and consider if I am not just “butting in” out of a desire to be seen as important
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I need to be seen as someone important so as to survive, even when it is at home
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear not being seen as worth listening to
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being ignored
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that if I was ignored than there would be no reason for me to exist
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear not existing
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear what might happen if I was not important
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am important
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to ignore people so as to express my dominance of importance over them so that they won’t ignore me
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use the ideas that I allowed people to create about me to manipulate them into doing things I want them to do
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe it necessary to manipulate people to give me attention and stature
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realise that this point exists within me without needing sickness to limit my ability to hide from myself
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see it as weakness to get sick
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to attempt to force my body not to get sick so that I will not give in to the point of weakness and be seen as weak because of it
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being seen as weak

When and as I see myself going into the point of fear of being seen as weak for getting sick I stop, breathe and I realise that the fear of being seen as weak is a point of ego and I commit myself to not allowing myself to fear being seen as weak and I commit myself to not allowing myself to be afraid of diminishing the “stature” that I believe myself to have with people

When and as I see myself going into the fear of not existing I stop myself, breathe and let go of the fear. I realise that the fear of not existing is actually a fear of the unknown and a fear of being forgotten which is a point of ego and I commit myself to not participate in fears of ‘what might happen’, instead I ground myself here and I simply walk

When and as I see myself going into the fear of being ignored I stop myself, breathe and let go of the fear. I realise that the fear of being ignored is an ego point and I commit myself to slow down and stop ignoring others in fear of being ignored, and thus – to do unto another as I would like to have done unto me

When and as I see myself going into the belief that I need to speak louder than everyone else I stop myself, breathe and let go of the belief. I realise that the belief that I need to speak louder than everyone else is a point of ego and a fear of not being seen as important and I commit myself to only speak as loud as is needed for others to hear me