This blog is a continuation to Day 21 - I lost my Friend my Brother and Day 23 - My Mother BETRAYED MeAnthony was an amazing man to me. He would always treat me like an adult and talk to me as such and point out when I was doing something wrong, but I do not have a single memory that I can find of him being angry at me or of him ever being angry. He was a lot of fun to be around. He was always able to put people into a good mood and make them laugh. He was open, honest and always willing to help me, but at that stage I wasn’t willing to get help from anyone about anything in my life. I was a bratty little child. He never told me that there was something I couldn’t do and was willing to show me anything I wanted to learn that he was able to teach, but I was never a very good student as I thought of myself as unable to do anything without help. Most of the time when I needed something, I went to him as I wasn’t willing to look and learn to do it myself. I used and abused him for his knowledge and was happy with having someone that I could get what I wanted from.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge Anthony as amazing, fun and honest
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be envious of Anthony and his character
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as less than Anthony
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge Anthony as a calm person
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as a bratty little child
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as selfish
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as lazy
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as incapable of learning
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see myself as a bad student
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see myself as someone that cannot be helped in any way by another
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to go to others for help
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see going to others for help as weakness
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as weak
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use someone for their knowledge
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abuse someone for their knowledge
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to manipulate people for their knowledge
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to manipulate people to help me out of laziness
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be happy that my ego is satisfied
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to satisfy my ego by winning through successfully manipulating someone
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to satisfy my ego by exerting my power over them
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to satisfy my ego by seeing myself as more powerful as the person I am influencing
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to follow and try to satisfy my ego to get energy, so I can feel in control, bigger, stronger and smarter than other people
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being seen as inferior
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to be seen as strong
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to be seen as strong, since I do not see myself as strong, I therefore need others to reaffirm the idea that I have created of myself of being strong
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to investigate for myself what actual strength is and redefining it within and as myself and from there developing the redefinition of strength as myself
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to be seen as powerful
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to be seen as powerful, since I do not see myself as powerful, I therefore need others to reaffirm the idea that I have created of myself of being powerful
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to investigate for myself what actual powerfulness is and redefining it within and as myself and from there developing the redefinition of powerful as myself
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to be seen as superior, as I use the character trait of superiority to suppress the fact that I see myself as inferior and also fear being seen as inferior by others, as I fear that they will take advantage of me
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to be respected
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to be seen as respected, since I do not respect myself, I therefore need others to reaffirm the idea that I have created of myself of being respected
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to investigate for myself what actual respect is and redefining it within and as myself and from there developing the redefinition of respect as myself
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to be feared, as I fear others and as I want to be the most feared being, since I see that if people fear you, they give to you their energy and submit to your power, which means that you are then in control of their life
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being ignored, because when I am being ignored, I see myself as not being good enough or worthy of the person’s attention
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being left behind, because when I feel like I am being left behind, I feel like I am not good enough to be a part of whatever is happening
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself within my perception of Anthony
and the character traits that I saw he had that I wanted, such as: strength, compassion, motivation, intelligence, skill, efficiency and dedication – instead of standing equal and one with him and learning from his example
To Be Continued...
