Day 11 - Telling Stories

I have recently been made aware of a point that I never considered as a point, but I have realised that it stands as a point of contention between me and those around me as it is socially “undesirable” – so to speak, lol. The point is that I seem to repeat stories that I have told many times, but the interesting point is that I am completely unaware of the fact that I am repeating stories. If I look at the point, I realise that the point is based on a desire for attention and that is the point that I will be writing forgiveness on.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be consumed by the desire for attention out of fear of being forgotten
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realise that the point of me retelling stories that I have already told is a desire for attention
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that without the attention of others I would not fulfil my desire of being important
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I need to be important
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being forgotten
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being ignored
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to be noticed and recognised
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being defined as socially unacceptable
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being seen as awkward and weird
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am socially unacceptable

When and as I see myself starting to tell a story I stop and I commit myself to ask if I have told the story before and not telling it again if the people say yes

When and as I see myself going into the desire for attention I stop, breathe and I realise that the desire is based on fear. I commit myself to bring myself back into my body and stabilise myself without allowing myself to be consumed by fear

Day 10 - Driving Scared Part 2

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge the K53 defensive driving system as stupid and ridiculous
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be influenced by a system of education that is based solely on fear instead of assertiveness and common sense
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be angry at myself for being influenced by the K53 defensive driving system
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that the only way to pass the driving test is to allow myself to be influenced by the K53 defensive driving system
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that it is necessary to compromise myself so as to pass tests and show to the system that I am capable of doing whatever the test is related to
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realise that I can pass the test without being influenced by the starting point of fear that they are trying to program into people with the current driving system that is required to pass the test
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realise that it is only necessary to drive the way they want me to drive so as to pass the test and as soon as I pass I can drive in common sense without having to show the people next to me that I am watching the roads
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be influenced by a system that has been created as a way to instil fear and create car crashes so as to provide money for the system
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to expect to crash a car in my life as though it is inevitable
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realise that through expecting myself to get into a car crash I am actually creating a car crash scenario in my life so as to get over the self-perpetuated anticipation of a car crash
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be angry at myself for participating in the expectation of a car crash and thus, creating it
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realise that I have allowed myself to be influenced by the current driving education system
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be afraid of getting into a car crash
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be afraid of dying or getting hurt in a car crash
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be afraid of hurting those around me in a car crash

When and as I see myself going into fear of getting into a car crash or getting hurt in a car crash or hurting those around me in a car crash I stop, breathe and let go of the fear. I realise that that fear of a car crash is a point that I have created so as not to face the point of driving so that I never have to face the fear of a car crash and I commit myself to pushing myself through the fear of driving and stick to the practical physical actions of driving

When and as I see myself allowing myself to be influenced by the current driving education system I stop, breathe and I realise that I am allowing myself to be influenced by the system out of fear of failure. I commit myself to walk through the current system the best way that I can and once I am able to, do what I can to change the current driving education system so that it trains people to be assertive and considerate drivers, instead of fearful and self-centred drivers

Day 9 - Driving Scared - Writing only

On my last driving lesson I drove in town for an hour with the instructor taking me along the path that I will drive on my test day so that I will be “used to it” when I do my test. During my lesson the one point that I had to remember while driving was to check every road that connected to the road that I was busy driving on. While I was driving I had to slightly turn my head to every intersection that I drove through while I was driving to show the instructor that I was checking. Meaning that while I drove I had to turn my head so that the instructor could see and keep an eye on the road all at the same time, quite unnerving to say the least, I mean I have to watch the road while making sure that the instructor sees that I am checking the roads! I check the roads the roads as I drive but the showing the person next to you while in traffic thing is really freaking scaring!!!

Day 8 - Assassin's Creed Mania

Recently I went to watch a movie in the cinema and as usual they played a whole bunch of advertisements. As the advertisements were playing the people in the cinema were either applauding or booing the advertisements based on if they were good or not. The one advertisement was for a game called Assassin’s Creed 3 and the advertisement was quite vague as it started but when the main character’s image came onto the screen the crowd applauded with a lot more vigour than before. The game series is one of the most popular games at the moment and one of the games that I really enjoy playing, but that is for another time…

The point that I am trying to make is just how energetic the people in the audience became over as simple a thing as a picture of a man – animated or not – it was just a picture. This reveals to me just how brainwashed people are as to their reaction to a picture. I realized that as I have also been anticipating this game’s arrival, I also reacted with an energy build-up of excitement.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be affected by the energy of people around me
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into energy over images
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be excited over a game
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be influenced by energy
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into an energy state of anticipation over the prospect of playing a game that I believe I will enjoy solely based on my experiences with the previous games in the series
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge people based on their reactions to images
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become angry when I realized how “brainwashed” myself and others are in terms of pictures
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be influenced by pictures
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be affected by the way pictures are used for programming
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become angry when seeing that I was affected by the programming that is placed in the formation of pictures

When and as I go into energy because of pictures I stop, breathe and let go of the energy. I realize that the energy build-up is a pre-programmed response to stimulus and is used to charge the mind system and I commit myself to not be affected by the programming of the picture and instead breathe and walk in the moment without going into pre-programmed desires

When and as I see myself going into anger because of going into pre-programmed energy desires I stop, breathe and let go of the anger. I realize that the anger I go into is out of guilt and shame of being affected by pre-programmed desires and I commit myself to not go into the guilt, shame and anger and instead breathe and walk in the moment without going into self-anger, guilt and shame

When and as I see myself going into judgement of others I stop, breathe and let go of the judgement. I realise that I go into judgement to stop myself from realising that I am doing the same as the person that I am judging and I commit myself to not go into judgment and instead breathe and walk in the moment without going into judgment

Day 7 - Screaming to be Heard

I have been sick recently and while I have been sick I noticed an interesting point. My nose was blocked and my chest was tight in such a way that breathing and speaking was difficult. I have been speaking quite softly so as to not hurt my chest as speaking made it feel more constricted – and what I noticed was that I didn’t need to speak loudly so as to make people hear me as was my habit. Because even in speaking softly, everyone could hear everything I said without a problem.

I also would have a slight pressure in my head so when other people were speaking it would make the pressure worse but only in specific tonalities like laughter. Sometimes when I was still very sick just people speaking around me was too loud and would make me feel like going back to my room so as not to have to listen.

I realised that what I was doing when speaking was making my voice louder than it needed to be to get my point across and I noticed that it is something that everyone around me was doing. Also, everyone would speak on top of each other to different people in the same room and it was quite annoying to my sickness sensitised ears.

I realise that my reason for speaking loudly and over other people in the same room was so as to get my point across without any consideration for others. The cool thing was that since I was sick people had to be quiet, patient and listen to me speak because otherwise they wouldn’t be able to hear as I was speaking softly (or at least I wasn’t shouting) and slowly due to my breathing difficulties.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to speak loudly out of fear of not being heard or being misunderstood
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to speak over other people while they are talking to someone as it is out of a belief that I need to speak when there are people speaking so as to express that what I have to say is important enough to ignore what the other people are saying
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to build up my ego by talking over other people as if what I have to say is more important
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that whatever I have to say would be so important that I cannot wait for others to finish speaking
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to consider what other people might be speaking about and consider if I am not just “butting in” out of a desire to be seen as important
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I need to be seen as someone important so as to survive, even when it is at home
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear not being seen as worth listening to
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being ignored
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that if I was ignored than there would be no reason for me to exist
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear not existing
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear what might happen if I was not important
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am important
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to ignore people so as to express my dominance of importance over them so that they won’t ignore me
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use the ideas that I allowed people to create about me to manipulate them into doing things I want them to do
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe it necessary to manipulate people to give me attention and stature
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realise that this point exists within me without needing sickness to limit my ability to hide from myself
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see it as weakness to get sick
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to attempt to force my body not to get sick so that I will not give in to the point of weakness and be seen as weak because of it
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being seen as weak

When and as I see myself going into the point of fear of being seen as weak for getting sick I stop, breathe and I realise that the fear of being seen as weak is a point of ego and I commit myself to not allowing myself to fear being seen as weak and I commit myself to not allowing myself to be afraid of diminishing the “stature” that I believe myself to have with people

When and as I see myself going into the fear of not existing I stop myself, breathe and let go of the fear. I realise that the fear of not existing is actually a fear of the unknown and a fear of being forgotten which is a point of ego and I commit myself to not participate in fears of ‘what might happen’, instead I ground myself here and I simply walk

When and as I see myself going into the fear of being ignored I stop myself, breathe and let go of the fear. I realise that the fear of being ignored is an ego point and I commit myself to slow down and stop ignoring others in fear of being ignored, and thus – to do unto another as I would like to have done unto me

When and as I see myself going into the belief that I need to speak louder than everyone else I stop myself, breathe and let go of the belief. I realise that the belief that I need to speak louder than everyone else is a point of ego and a fear of not being seen as important and I commit myself to only speak as loud as is needed for others to hear me

Day 6 Driving Lesson and Self-Sabotage

I have started taking driving lessons and the other day I drove with a professional instructor for the first time. I was quite nervous about a few things, mainly about driving with someone I didn’t know. I was also nervous about her letting me drive in town with lots of traffic and people. When I have been in town with other people I have seen how some of the people drive in town and I was afraid of something happening and me not being able to stay calm and not go into fear and …well freak out.

While I was driving I was apparently going too slow for this guy behind me, so he speeds past me and almost crashes into me and the guy that was in front of me. I didn’t freak out though! Lol. I just breathed and had to swerve a little but all in all it was ok. I then drove us to the mall nearby.

For those of you who don’t know, when you learn to drive from a company/school the car you use has a second set of brakes and clutch in the passenger’s side. The whole time that I was driving she would push the brake just before I would push it. It was a little frustrating, as she would tell me to push the brake but she would already be pushing it. It was confusing to say the least but I would breathe and focus on what I was doing. I realize that she was telling me so that I can learn when to start doing it myself without her and she was pushing the stuff since she cannot trust in my ability to drive yet and so we don’t crash into someone! :)

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be afraid of having to speak to people outside of process

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be afraid of driving a car with a passenger in it

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be afraid of being judged as a bad driver by whatever passenger is in the car

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be scared of driving in traffic with many other cars

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be afraid of damaging whoevers car I am driving, especially the driver instructor’s car

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be afraid that other people on the road would be hooting at me for driving too slowly or something

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become irritated with people when they tell me to do something that they are already doing –like the driving instructor telling me to brake, while she had already taken over the point herself by braking.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to resist the assistance others give me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I don’t need help

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to force myself into the difficult paths instead of just simply doing the simple common sense route to anything

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that the best way to ensure that I “learn my lesson” is through pain and suffering

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project this anger towards myself onto others as a way to hide from facing any point

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I would go into fear if something bad happened on the road

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not trust my breathing in driving even though I have proven to myself that I can handle anything through breathing and remaining stable and not going into fear

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into fear about the whole driving and lesson and test process

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I will go into fear on my test day and fuck up while taking my test

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be afraid of disappointing myself and Maite if I fail my driving test

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be afraid of failure

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be afraid of having to start the whole driving process again as it costs time and money

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be afraid that if I do fail my driving test, I will have wasted a lot of money and time.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am going to fail my driving test as many of the people failed their first time

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be afraid of turning out like everyone else by failing my driving test

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that if I pass my driving test that I will be better than the other people who failed their first time

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for accepting and allowing myself to use the point of it being practical to pass the first time, to hide the ego-point of me winning by passing the first time

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that if I pass my driving test it will mean that I am a better driver than the people who failed

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to expect that I am going to fail because of me wanting to pass

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create failure in my life as a way for me to learn even though it is completely unnecessary and impractical

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that there is no way for me to pass the test as I want to pass to win

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that since I have created my failure already, that I cannot undo it

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that it is just a matter of changing my starting point and then walk in breath and self-trust

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am a perfectionist and as such, I cannot allow myself to fail no matter how ridiculous the point is

When and as I see myself going into the fear of failure I stop myself breathe and let go of the point that I am afraid of in that moment. I realize that fearing failure is a way for me to sabotage my personal process and to make working with myself more difficult. I commit myself to allowing myself to breathe through the fear, look at it in terms of why I am afraid to fail and not allow myself to sabotage my process out of fear of failure

When and as I see myself going into the believe of being a perfectionist I stop myself, breathe and let go of the point that I am currently using to impress people with. I realize that the belief that I need to be perfect so as to impress people is just me trying to build up my ego. I commit myself to not allowing myself to participate in the point of building up my ego so as to feel self-important and better-than as it is just another point of self-sabotage directed at my process.

When and as I see myself going into the fear of disappointing myself and other people I stop myself, breathe and let go of the fear. I realize that when I go into fear of being a disappointment it is only because I believe that I have to live up to those ideas of myself and what other people think of me which is just another form of self-sabotage. I commit myself to look at why I feel like I need to live up to expectations of my preconceived idea of myself and the preconceived ideas others have formed about me, I commit myself to not allowing myself to restrict myself into a being controlled by the expectations created by myself and what others have come to see me as and I commit myself to not allow myself to go into fear of what people might do or say when I do not act as who I have turned myself into based on the preconceived ideas of myself that others and I have created about myself

When and as I see myself projecting my anger onto others I stop, breathe and let go of the anger before I continue speaking. I realize that when I project my anger onto others I am using it as a shield so as not to be seen and so that I do not have to see the point I am afraid of facing, which is also a point of self-sabotage. I commit myself to not allow myself to use my anger as a shield for my fear and I commit myself to not allow myself to be afraid of being seen as someone that is afraid of facing myself

Day 5 - Stuttering

I have recently realized that I need to look at my communication with people as I tend to ramble and stutter instead of speaking clearly and directly and get my point across without confusing people and getting annoyed with them for not understanding me as if it is their fault.

When looking at the point I realise that I do it out of nervousness and fear of being misunderstood or getting into a fight over miscommunication that I will blame on the other person to give me a reason to be angry at them.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame others for what I see in them that I am actually projecting onto them
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project onto others the points that I have been suppressing
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to hide my fear with anger
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use blaming others as a way to hide form myself
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be afraid of speaking to other people
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into nervousness and fear when speaking to other people
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being misunderstood when speaking to other people
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to start rambling and stuttering out of fear of being misunderstood

I commit myself to stopping myself from going into fear when the concept of speaking to other people comes up
I commit myself to stop myself when I see myself start rambling and stuttering, breathe and slow myself down and choose my words specifically without being afraid of being misunderstood
I commit myself to stopping myself from blaming others when I start rambling or stuttering and realize that I am actually angry at myself for allowing myself to make a fool of myself and let go of my anger towards myself
I commit myself to not allowing myself to project my anger towards myself unto other people